What causes you to lose friends over time?

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I could pinpoint some causes and guess at others....

I neglect relationships. I'm very reclusive by nature, even though I do like the feeling of social acceptance.

Reasons I lose friends (over time):

1). Not initiating / stroking the other person enough. People like to be appreciated, and while I will say 'thank you' and try to convey my gratitude in situations, it is a fair guess that I fall short on actions. (such as, taking someone out to dinner spontaneously as a thank you gesture)

2). Over time, people see that I get very anxious and may be put off by my unpredictable behavior / reactions.

3). I (think) I seem negative, even though I try to smile and not reveal the depth of my pessimism (to potential friends).

Surely, this is the tip of the iceberg. The rest (i'm probably boring) and (people probably see me as a dead end street with no spontaneous surprises)....I can only guess at....

How do friendships or relationships fall apart for you? Is it a slow motion crash, like mine?

1 2 and 3 seem pretty accurate here. The boredom thing is rare and only once in a blue moon will someone decide not to hang out with me because they think that.

Another thing that helps me lose friends is that I need a lot of time to myself every here and there. I just need that time to re-energize and I sometimes have a lot of people's attention.

$100, 000 question right there. I really don't have a clue.

#1.

Also, being depressed and not wanting to talk to people/people going "his social skills are really pretty good" one day to, "wow, he doesn't say anything" the next week.

I usually don't get very far in friendships, to begin with, however. But these are the reasons they never develop to begin with.

For me, it happens when they come looking for a financial bailout, and I refuse to give away that much money without any hope of ever getting any of it back.

I mean, why should I forgo six month's worth of mortgage payments just because someone who calls himself my "friend" wasted his entire inheritance on hookers and blow in Las Vegas?

(... and without ever inviting me to tag along ...)

I wish my country's government was more like you when it comes to bailouts. I'd be your friend just for this reason.

The quickest way to get rid of a friend is to loan him money; and if you never see the deadbeat again, then maybe it was worth the loss.

I've never loaned anyone money except sometimes for food or taxis and stuff when I am going with them. I usually say I'm broke too and suggest alternatives to get the money that don't involve me paying cash to anyone. I've only been in this situation once, and it worked. Then, again, I don't really do close friends, so no idea how that would work.

I think this pretty much sums it up, for me.
I'm just not a very social person.

I lent a friend $500+ in 2009 because she couldn't pay her rent and was about to be kicked out. I haven't heard from her for more than 2 years now. I'm still hoping she will contact me and give me back the money. I just mentioned this because some above were discussing loaning money.

Back on topic,

weird ideas - I tend to say or do things that might look a bit strange. For example, I love caterpillars and talk about them and show pictures of them to people. From their reactions, I realized they were weirded out.

weirdness due to my feeling very nervous - my voice and body sometimes start getting shaky from being nervous. I think I must be looking like a freak when that happens. I can't even say things that I want to say. If I try, I might sound like crying. I can't sometimes even drink coffee with some people because my hand might shake and spill it.

tension - my nervous, tense behavior seems to make other people very uncomfortable, too.

perceived rudeness - I seem to be seen as rude etc because I can't smile, my voice sounds stern etc.

lack of self-confidence - people are naturally attracted to confident people. I'm the opposite. People find me pathetic and boring.

Those are only my observations. People might have totally different reasons for rejecting me.

My negative perceptions of myself being projected onto others in a way that makes trust or giving the benefit of the doubt impossible. If I'd had paused to ask a question instead, I may have had more and better relationships with people.

Mostly neglect of a friendship. I would usually keep touch with only a few people closely, other than that, I'm more of an acquaintance to certain people. I consider them the same as well.

Don't know for sure, but the following might have something to do with it --

I'm not real good at staying in touch. I don't get on the phone to someone unless I have something significant to share -- almost never just to chat. So I don't call much. But yet they don't make any effort to call either, so I guess we are actually both at fault here.

I don't invite people to my place because I'm a slob. Or maybe I'm a slob so I don't have to invite people to my place. Regardless, I kinda have this feelling of violation when someone comes inside my house. So I never have parties or invite people over for dinner.

Once they marry and/or have children, I lose interest in being with them. Kids get in the way both physically and emotionally. And spouses are always putting rules and limits on my friends' time with me -- there's always a reason why my friend has to get home early. I have no limits and can stay gone as long as my heart desires, and I don't like that I have to end my fun because of some jealous spoiled brat husband.

I get tired of participating in things my friends like to do, but they never extend the same courtesy to me -- never show any interest in things I enjoy. Eventually I just think "I'm doing things by myself anyway. Why bother asking friends to come along any more?"

There's probably more -- I'm opinionated, I talk a lot, I'm a bit of a know-it-all, I don't drink or smoke so some consider me dull. But I think these are the most likely reasons.

For me it's mostly because I either neglect the relationship (I prioritise things such as solitude, interests and studies above social interaction) or because I speak too much about things that are on my mind (interests or things that bother me). After a while the relationships just sort of fade away and I don't hear from people again.

For me it is semi-intentional. I have noticed that my social life is pretty much zero-sum: I can only cope with 1 or 2 friends at a time.

So, if someone new is to come in, someone else has to leave.

I've had to break ties with former high school friends simply because they were dragging me too much into their social lives; they get married, they have kids, and suddenly my calendar is clogging up with all sorts of social events I am expected to participate in.

I prefer colleagues; they tend to respect your privacy and they don't place accumulating social demands upon you...

I think changes in life & livelihood, and in my case changes in career and getting married, would be the main "causes" of migrating away from old friends and toward new ones. I haven't ever really "lost" any friends... I just don't have much in common with some of them anymore, and seldom am in touch. But when I do have contact with them, they're still friends.

Charles