Empathy

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My Mother was upset the other day when she saw my sister was not well. She started to cry, I asked her what was wrong. I don't seem to notice when people are sick (something that's not visible), I notice when someone is getting sick.

When someone cries in front of me, it sometimes seems that they are being irrational. When I asked why she was crying?, she turned around to me said that, I had no empathy and that i wouldn't understand. That sure hurt my feelings.

Later on that night I questioned her about what she said. Her response: She said that, I should have been feeling the way she was. I don't show my feelings that way. I just don't feel the same way she does (crying etc...). Why do people think we should all feel and express things the same way??

Does anyone else ever get told they have no empathy?? or am I the only one??

For me empathy has a place in me but usually I have none at some times because I don't want to get as hurt again that I might become seriously depressed again.

sometimes I get told I have no empathy, other times people tell me I have alot of empathy. Empathy kind of happens on my terms.



As far as your sister goes I think it might have been the way you said "whats wrong?" that made her say you have no empathy. You could have been your tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture. You said you felt she was being irrational and that might have shown in your body language. If you had empathy and were really concerned with your sister you wouldn't necessarily feel what shes feeling, but would kind of mimic her vulnerable position, and ask kindly and compassionately what is wrong?

BTW does your sister know about your diagnosis? You might want to tell her that the "you have no empathy" comment hurt feelings and ask her why she said it.

Sorry If I did not make it clear.. It was my mother that was crying and who told me that I had no empathy. She Knows I have AS. It was because I did not cry or show any emotion. My twin sister also has AS.

Maybe it was the way I questioned her or did not show the proper facial expression or emotion.

TigerFire as you said about empathy has a place. Mine seems to show at strange times! like when it comes to people I would not show much empathy towards them. Sometimes I show more empathy for animals than humans.

There's a theory that people with AS respond more to situations where
someone has been treated unfairly or had bad luck.
This would involve having to know all the facts first rather than reacting immediately to someone's body language or expression etc.
There's also likely to be support for fellow underdogs in society.
(or undercats as so many seem to have feelings for them - or should
that be 'felines' )

Yes I am a person who needs to know all the facts, before I can voice or express my opinion.
Sometimes I just don't know the right thing to say, or when to just keep my mouth shut and say nothing.

I have two under-cats/felines who I love and one underdog who I am starting to get used too, she's extremely hyper.

I don't think it makes much sense for one person to tell another person that their feelings are incorrect. Emotions aren't the same as opinions. Different game, different rules.

I'm empathetic when I feel empathy, and apathetic when I don't. I suspect your mom is the same. I wouldn't call her empathetic for suggesting you were not good hearted. I've been sick, and I've had the quality of my character insulted; I know which is worse.

Okay, just because you don't understand empathy or how to express it does not mean you do not have it.
I mean, if somebody gets picked on, I want to go rip some arms off. If very loud noises are made, such as the clanging of cooking pans dropped on the floor, I apologize. I mean, what if somebody's ears hurt just as much as mine?
Empathy is described as being able to imagine yourself feeling the emotions somebody else might feel during a certain event.

So if you can imagine when somebody might feel sad, you got empathy. THERE!

I was constantly being told that I was having the wrong emotions when I was living with my mom.It seems strange to me that aspies are described as lacking "theory of mind"...I think that trait would be better suited to "mothers"....they seem to see children as extensions of them selves and not as individuals who can express their emotions and experience things differently then the mother(Does that make sense?)Your mothers comment was illogical and based on this "pathological"belief system
IMO....I hope you will not internalise her message.

I sometimes do have difficulty "empathising" with people being sick...I mean,we all get sick and feel like crap...it's just life.I would likely show my feelings for the person by "doing something"....making them soup,or whatever...but I couldnt cry about it.The people in Darfur,Iraq...that makes me feel like crying.An animal with its leg in a trap not a person with a head cold....

It's situational for me. Sometimes people will say I am a cold person. But a person or two have commented on my empathy, mostly when dealing with cats or children. Sometimes I can become very upset for children without homes, and I'm interested in adopting a cat and/or child one day.

Sometimes I can react strangely to situations. When I was living with my parents, my mom got caught cheating. I covered my mouth during the confrontation the entire time because I was trying to hold back laughter. I'm not exactly sure what provoked me to feel the need to laugh, but I'm very sure that it would have been completely inappropriate to laugh in a situation such as that.

i find that in empathetic situations with other poeple where i am not the cause of their emotional state.... that i am generally helpful in those situations for the person who is upset.

but at times where i am directly involved in why the other person feels how they do... im terrible. i just completely withdraw and simply can't add anymore. my most common experience of this type of situation has been in relationships... at these times i've been told im a cruel heartless b***h.

i don't know why i react this way... but i can't seems to tell what i did to make them feel this way... and to watch them me mad at me or cry because of something i did... it just doesn't registar and sometimes i just don't know how to react cause i know ill probably do something wrong and make it worse (so i just clam up) and other times, i just don't care cause i think they're being ret*d... yet i can't say that... so i still just clam up.

either way... i am horrible with empathy and any sort of conflict with anyone where i am directly involved.

yeah thats what people dealing with people with asp need to learn. its not that an asp doesnt care about ohter people, or is conpletely selfish or anything like that. somehow its just not registering in their mind. so i think. no flaw of character, but a flaw of ability.

i also hate stuff like this: "she turned around to me said that, I had no empathy and that i wouldn't understand" (though im not getting if thats your sister or your mum, doesnt matter much maybe)

people with any form of autism can not catch these things, they fail to see it. but i dont buy that they are inable to understand. my mother sometimes pulled something like that no me. maid me feel like i wasnt a human in her eyes. i kind of notice that more often, that people with some autism arent really treates as if they are human some how..
like my parents telling all sorts of people about what stupid label i was given, i dont think she has the right to do that, unless your a young child that can create situations because of it so they need to know. but when your 16 and people really dont need to know she has no business in doing that. and i dont think parents of people with other disorders do so that much. i oftne feel autistic people are treated as not completely a human. is that paranoid?


but empathy is a complicated and ambiguous term. theres the knowledge that this or that can be unpleasent for someone else. but thats not fully what empathy means. theres also understanding whats going on in there mind, or how things would make them feel and why. effectively putting yourself in their shoes (lots of poeple are incapable of that though, but usually those are a55holes and/or stupid). the ability to guess what thoughts they were having that got them to act a certain way. this by the way is different from caring what other people feel, i call that sympathy.

theyv tested on the theory of mind, that children usually learn this at age of 4, but certain people with autism (dont know what type they tested with, aspergers i think) only did so from the age of about 7.

(the test is waterproof: they have doll A put something in place X, then doll B moves it to place Y without doll A knowing, then children under 4 and asps under 7 would say doll A would look for that "something" in place Y, though she obviously must have believed it to be in place X)

i think people with asp are unwillingly to wrapped up in whats going on in their own mind to take a vacation from that into someone elses mind.

s far as i know i have no problems with empathy, unless im so disconnected from my surrounding im just not noticing..

I'm not too good with showing empathy. If I actually notice that someone is feeling down I have no idea what I should do or say to comfort them. It's not that I dont want to I just dont know how to.

Someone I know was upset once and they wanted a hug but I hate hugs. I think I just panicked when they hugged me and I was kinda pulling away which wasn't what they wanted I'm guessing.

This is going to sounds really heartless but once, I was in class and a girl sitting next to me started crying, I'm not sure why. I just froze up and didn't do anything, I just didn't know what I should do.

I think when I'm actually in a situation I get confused as to what to do but if it's indirect like if I watch a sad story or something on tv I can show empathy.

Empathy yes.. Im very good at understanding how a person feels and why.

Sympathy on the other hand is hit or miss and showing emotion your just out of luck with Ill tell you how I feel and you just have to take my word for it

I have been told I have no empathy. I remember when I was in high school, I was told by my mother all I care about is myself and in school I was told I didn't care about others. I told them everytime I did care, they tell me to go away or mind my own business so I learned I'm supposed to ignore them pretending I don't notice them. Then they told me to drop it. I sure showed them.
I only get told online from one of my aspie buddies that I have no empathy and he also says Don't you have empathy for (that person) as if I'm supposed to let my ex bf live off of me for free and not do anything for himself.


I recently heard on The Simpsons in one of the new episode where Bart hurt his arm so he can't play the drums anymore and Lisa feels real bad about it and Marge explains to her what she is having is empathy because she was feeling her brother's pain. So I thought, oh so you have to feel the same feelings in you someone else is having to have it? I hardly feel what others are having. All I see in me is good thing that isn't me. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me. When my buddies tell me something that happpened to them or in their family I say 'I'm sorry' just to show them I care. Or I say 'that sux' or 'ooo.' Sometiems I ask how are they taking it meaning how are they feeling about it or how are they dealing with it. Are they sad or upset etc.

I learned what to do when soemthign bad happens to smemone you know just by watching TV and movies and from seeing what people do to me when they see me upset. They ask me what's wrong and all so i do the same thing to others. So I learned you say ' I'm sorry' when your friend or someone you care about tells you something bad like someone passed away in their family or their car got wrecked or their pet died, etc etc etc.

I definitely have empathy, and always have. It's hard to show it when the other message you get growing up that crying isn't ok, even when others would expect it such as at a funeral.