Why do NT's flake out so much when making plans?

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I think if I had to pick the biggest reason why I have so many problems with NT's, this would easily be number 1. It ruins everything for me, from potential friendships to potential relationships with women.

I met a lady in her early 40's last year. We got to know each other a bit and she seemed so great, and everything I was looking for. She seemed very interested in me. We set up a time to meet.

I thought she was past the stage of "flaking" but nope. First she said she was not feeling well, then she was feeling ok, and before you knew it it was 1 hour before the event we were going to see was going to start and she STILL was flip flopping.

I dont want to get into it, but it eventually lead to me going into a meltdown. It destroyed any chance of a potential friendship, or relationship.

I will admit I overreacted, but in my opinion, she started it. Because I think its terribly rude to flip flop on MY DAY OFF when I could have made plans for something else.

It really sucks, but it seems NT's do this ALL THE TIME and I cannot for the life of me figure it out. If you say you are going to do something THEN DO IT. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE cancelled a date/meeting but NT's do it RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I just can't deal with it. It's by far the biggest issue I have with NT's. They have no respect for other people's time. IT HURTS ME, don't they realize that? If you don't want to go SAY SO BEFOREHAND or cancel at an appropiate time, like at least earlier in the day!

Why can't NT's ever meet you WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE GOING TO MEET YOU? This woman I just told you about said "well sometimes things come up and a true friend would understand that". COME ON! That is 100% bullcrap!

I don't get it. And I'm sick of dealing with it.

It's possible something really did come up. I was once going to meet an NT from online but I got confused and thought it was Wednesday instead of Friday so I didn't show up. She called me and I was confused about why she was asking me where I was until she said she was at the mall so I asked her what is the today's date and when she told me I realized I got confused with what day it was. This is what happens when you don't have a bedtime anymore and stay up until you feel tired and then crash so I would lose track of my days.


Then that same year, a community nurse was supposed to come over to my apartment but i forgot all about it and wasn't up when she came so she left a note on my door and I had to call and reschedule. Then the second time I forgot all about it so I had booked a dentist appointment that same day so I was double booked but the third time I remembered. I had to write it on my calendar so I would look look on there if I have to schedule something to make sure I don't have another appointment.

I do get mad at myself when I make these mistakes so if someone else does it to me, I give them a benefit of a doubt. But luckily they have all understood and weren't mad about it.


Do the same NTs do this to you every time you try and meet up?

I'm really flaky, so I might be able to give you some insight. (Not NT though)
I personally am really flaky because I am really shy, and often am afraid to do things. You agree to something and later really don't feel like you can.

But maybe NTs don't do this, some probably do. Anyway, my point is that there a million reasons plans break through. Just try and be comprehensive and understanding and maybe reschedule or something....

Yes NTs can be flaky but just a warning, some NTs will flake a lot when they cant say no to you when they really dont want to meet up with you. So they'll make plans and purposely flake out ALOT in hopes the person will either get the point or give up on making plans with them. The thing is, the NT wont say or show anything to suggest that they dont want to hangout with you. So aspies will have a hard time seeing this. If an NT is flaking out a lot, its best not to pursue the relationship. Even if there not purposely flaking out, it just might get frustrating.

Heres an example between 2 NT friends. One NT friend likes another and the other is not comfortable with it. So he has tried to make plans with here several times but she flakes out on it all the time. But shes still nice to him, talks to him, treats him as a friends, replies to his texts, etc. Then I made plans with the 2 of them. And she tells me that shes gonna be extremely late, like an hr and half late. And he told me that he thought it was cause of him. She was purposely late.

I agree it can be very annoying. When I miss an appointment I feel almost guilty about it. When I make an appointment with my friend and he is late, say, 10 minutes, I'd complain about it. If I now I'll be late a couple of minutes, I'll text or call asap. My calendar is almost always changed by other people canceling the appointments that had been agreed upon by both paries, I rarely cancel an appointment myself. One reason might be that the other persons I have appointments with are more socially involved than me, for example, they have a family or meet other friends more often than me.

I think this might be the reason behind it in at least some of the cases. I had to end a relationship recently because she did the exact thing to me. I'm always having a hard time with guessing what I should think the reason or meaning behind the actual flaking out is.

I can see sometimes events just occur and can be acceptable excuses for the canceling/flaking out. Other times someone may feel indeed not disposed, so we have to be understanding.

I agree that it can be very upsetting.

This is where the area of personal responsibility comes in. It took me 40 years to learn it.

So, I have a friend, and I really like them, and want to meet, spend time with them.
They do the flip flop thing, and it ruins my day, and the couple of days after that, because it takes me a while to recover.

They do this a few times. Each time, I trust them, and go with what they say.

So, the next time and from now on, if they say they're coming, I get ready.
BUT (and this takes a LOT of effort on my part) when he doesn't turn up within an hour, I change my clothes and get stuck into an alternative plan (I had to force my brain to think up an alternative).

I'm not actually happy doing it, but this is what NTs do, and it's a healthier option than sitting there, stewing and circling in my head until it hurts.

The important thing is that I'm not doing it to "teach him a lesson", but it's a reasonable thing for me to do. No hard feelings (well, there are, but force myself to recognise that intellectually, although it wasn't a nice thing for him to not appear on time, it wasn't the worst crime in the history of the world), and I am trying to get on with my life, not just wait for him.


I would therefore suggest that if you're ever in that situation, where someone starts the flip flop routine, the moment they "flip", you agree, and make alternative plans.
Then if they call again to do the "flop" bit, you tell them thank you, but because they'd already cancelled, you had very reasonably taken them at their word, and are now doing XYZ. You can offer them another day/time. All terribly civilised.
And the main thing is that you are now in control of your time.

I can't stand others miss appointments/dates/meetings intentionally without being direct and true to me beforhand.

It can be used as a form of power over someone, letting him/her wait. It can be politics. But just between humans without politics or issue of ranking, I see it as a important issue of honor being true to a friend. If someone do not like to meet me, ok, he/she has to tell me the truth about it. Will someone do the flipflop or just do not show up at all without teting or calling me about unforseen interrupting faced problems, I will kill the relationship very fast, sudden and once-and-for-all.

I do not care if NTs do it because they feel unsure about me. What is so wrong about meeting? Ok, socializing is not a easy for even NTs. So I have no problems if someone comes to a meeting but this doesn't turn out to go very well and ends short. That's ok and better than just not showing up at all. It is about showing respect to someone trying to keep up the meeting, try to show up. being late by facing realy bad traffic or whatever...ok, just call, being honest about it. Anything else is realy bad in my view!

Some of my friends tend to do this. If we agree to be somewhere at 9, they'll be there at 9.30 without so much as a text message or a phone call to let me know they're late. Sometimes, they phone me at the time we're supposed to meet up to tell me they've changed their mind and won't be coming. I've been known to melt down over such issues, because I simply hate waiting around in public to be cancelled on afterwards. I think it's rude and inconsiderate, and no matter how many times I've tried explaining that I need to know what's going on in order for me to deal with it, people seem to conveniently 'forget' about that, causing even bigger distress. Some people get it, though, and text me even if they're only five minutes late, or cancel at least an hour before we're due to meet. I don't understand why not everybody can do that...

Yep. Making plans and sticking to them is my top problem with other people. I like activities and meetings to be structured. Everybody, and I mean absolutely everybody, I know likes to do things spontaneously most of the time.

I don't expect other people to plan everything or to always be able to stick to their plans. But I wish people would accept that if they're not going to plan things, then I don't want to be involved. And, if they're not going to stick to the plans we made, I am going to be anxious.

Well, here's the thing. The woman I was talkling about used to text me to start conversations. She would go out of her way to text me, say hi, ask me about things, and SHE would be the one suggesting to go out.

Then she cancels last second. I don't mind if an NT cancels early in the day. It doesnt even have to be 24 hours notice, just earlier in the day. Is that so much to ask? If she doesnt want to hang, or changed her mind, whatever. Fine. Just cancel EARLY a couple of times, and I will gladly get the hint and move on.

But why do THEY suggest going out, then cancel an hour before?? In my case, she didnt even do that!! She said "I'm not sure what to do"...this was about an hour before the event started! And I need time to get there!

THAT is what gets me upset, and theres no excuse for it in my opinion. Do you agree? Am I off base here? I'd honestly like to know. I gets me SO UPSET when people do this to me. It ruins what could be a good friendship.

What should I have done?? Just said "Oh OK! I know its an hour before the event starts and you still havent decided! Thats cool! Its only my day off and I had nothing better to do than to wait for you to decide if you want to hang with me or not. Its not like I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ELSE HAD I KNOWN SOONER!"

Am I wrong here??

Ok if shes the one intiating the events and flaking, thats waaay different. Shes just probably being flaky, runs last minute, suddently feels sick, etc. What is even worse, is when NTs cancel around the time they had agreed to meet and your already there. That one sucks majorly. Some people are just extremely flaky.