Criticism, anxiety and defensiveness.

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A dislike to criticism is a known aspie/autie trait, but how bad are you?

For example I've been selling things on eBay to try to raise money, two items of clothing are being sent back; one person argued that the item was worn when advertised as unworn based on the fact that it smelled nice, the second was a more reasonable complaint as I had given the wrong dress size. These two examples have made me feel really SOMETHING - not sure on the emotion or why I'm feeling it, possibly angry, mad, anxious, hurt, upset, embarrassed, who knows.

I get this feeling over so many silly little things, such as after posting something I'll get this feeling in case replies disagree with me, when emailing companies for materials I need I actually fear their reply in case they ask me questions. Thus also why I hide my hobbies and many things I do - what I do makes sense to me, but I fear that if someone finds out what I'm doing that I'd not be able to explain it, or that they'll see what I'm doing as foolish or wrong in some way. I get VERY defensive over the smallest things as a result.

I guess I'm wondering how normal or abnormal this degree of anxiety, fear of criticism and defensiveness is for someone on the spectrum.

That is a disabling amount of anxiety.

I have severe anxiety as well, but it's not focused particularly on being criticized. It's about different things, but the outcome is the same: permanent worry and fear. I'm sorry to say that nothing except anti-anxiety medication (Cymbalta) wound up helping me much.

I'm frequently afraid to speak simply because I'm afraid of the tiniest amount of criticism. That goes online as well, but to a much lesser extent. You would never know how utterly silent I am most of the time in real life judging by my posts here, which are typically very opinionated and overly long. However, I don't think it's necessarily an Aspie thing to want people to keep certain useless opinions to themselves.

"I don't like that shirt you're wearing." Hey, good for you. F**k off.

Since I'm doing a B.A of fine arts, we get alot of constructive critisicm. It's to tell us what is wrong and what is right with an artwork. I only get offended if its an outright insult!

Heck yes. I'm not exactly sure what it is or what to call it, but this feeling that you've described most certainly resonates with me.

It's rather annoying, because, logically, I know that I really shouldn't give half a load of crap about what other people think. Oh, but I do.

You have to practice not giving a load of crap what other people think of you. It's not a skill that comes naturally. In fact there should be a course on it that we can take.

This is the mantra I liked to use while practicing not caring:

"Your opinion of me is none of my business."

I hate criticism, constructive or otherwise. But as much as I might become irritated and intense at the thought of constructive criticism. I know that it serves a much needed purpose as I am at many times unable to view my own flaws and problems.

Oh, now I'd find that very tough.

During art I couldn't take any criticism, in fact I really couldn't take any praise either, more often than not if anyone said anything about my work it'd end up with my destroying that piece of work, I couldn't deal with how the criticism or praise made me feel - needless to say I didn't go on to study art after high school, and any skill I once had went stale...I should take that as a cautionary tale really, shouldn't I?

I've found that the problem I have with criticism is that it's sometimes rationally baseless. That is, the criticism someone's offered is, on the face of it, patently untrue. They're trying to express a dislike of what I'm saying, but the way they do it, when I look at it carefully, shows that what they are saying and the emotion they are expressing do not match up. So they dislike my thing, whatever it is. And they say what bothers them about it. But what they say does not describe the other forms of their expression of the dislike. And I used to worry about it, and that I was failing to communicate. But after a while I realized that sometimes the problem is, I and the other person are talking about two different things. That is, the thing I did that I see, and the thing they see I did, are not the same thing. They're really upset with their perception of the thing I did. Then I might get upset with my perception of their upsettedness or whatever. Working past all this for me has been a process of continually setting aside the worry and fear and apprehension manually, because focusing on these things only reinforces the communication difficulty. If you get a bad response, work on recommunicating your message, with a different language or symbol set. If it's important to you still to have the other person see and value your thing you did, whatever it is. Sometimes it is essential, like when you're taking a class and your grade depends on the others' valuation of your thing, or when you are seeking employment or to sell something, similarly their high valuation of you or your thing is important. So you need to change your tack and recommunicate. Being afraid or worrying is only counterproductive, because the apprehension and fear and worry that you feel is part of what you communicate. So you have to use your will, your heart, your soul, and force that worry and fear out of you, and try to continue to communicate. Sometimes, that solves the problem, itself. But usually, reexplaining, a bit more patiently, is helpful and essential too.

My illustration from life. I was taking a cartooning class. The whole class evaluated each and every students work in group. Most people expressed some distaste for my cartooning style, which, admittedly, was a bit different from everyone else's. Though, I tried to see it through everyone else's eyes. I don't really like to imitate styles, and I was the oldest student in the class, older than the instructor too, so it's hard for me to put my habits behind me and learn or mimic something new. Old dog, new trick. So, there was something to their criticism. They did say, I had the best ability to capture the essence of a person, or something like that? Which I found flattering. And, I ended up getting an A anyway, despite the criticism, so I was glad I didn't get hostile or defensive. Also, I got my chance to express my feeling about everyone else's cartoons. Most people get A's in art classes, by completing all the assignments on time, and showing up for every class and participating, more than for the specific content of your work, which is one of the things I like about art. Individuality is respected, even if your different and individual style is not always what people like, they won't grade you down for expressing it. Which is why I'm an artist today, though I'm finding it a little hard to earn a living. Buy art from living artists rah rah! We all need to eat.

I think it's common for a few reasons. I think people on the spectrum get criticized much more because others don't understand them or because they are in fact acting in a manner they should not. We have ideas and perspectives that others can't understand, and some of us might have rather rigid thinking, or at least seemingly so. In addition to that, those on the spectrum don't necessarily know how to reason with NT's any more than they do with us, but the person on the spectrum might have additional communication difficulties.

I think you were probably upset over the eBay returns because at the heart of it, you felt, or were made to feel that you did something wrong and you actually have very high standards for yourself, but perhaps also low self esteem.

There are four types of criticism.
Constructive, destructive, unintentional and imaginary.

Constructive is given when the person is trying to help you. Destructive is when the person isn't really trying to help you but wants you to change in some way that benefits them. Unintentional is when a person says something that was critical but didn't mean to say it that way. And imaginary is when the person does or says something you take as a criticism but really wasn't, for example, a person at one of these material supply companies asking why you want the material.

As someone on the spectrum, it might be conductive for you to occasionally "swallow you pride" when someone offers criticism to determine if it's constructive and if they have a point.

Exactly the same with me. I hardly ever talk in real life, except with friends that I share interests with.
If someone told me s/he didn't like my sweatshirt (I always wear them over shirts), I wouldn't care. But if someone said they think I'm dumb or something, I wouldn't show it on my face, but I would get depressed really quickly. Then I'd avoid them forever.

http://www.aspergermanagement.com/dealing-criticism

Edit: On the bright side, compliments on my work make me work harder and stay interested in what I'm doing.

Also, I'm fine with people saying I should fix something, as long as it's constructive.

I never know what to say to compliments. Just saying "thank you" feels awkward and forced.

I'm extremely sensitive to criticism, especially because I always tend to take it personally. But I think there are some NT's who also take criticism poorly, too so I wouldn't say this is an AS trait.

Same with me. I usually just say "thanks". I remember that when I was told I was supposed to say "thank you" to compliments, I thought it was silly.

Same with me...I'm extremely bad at taking compliments and even if I say thanks, it definitely feels awkward!

I dropped an art class because I simply stopped going after the instructor criticized my work. I didn't consciously make the decision to quit, I just found reasons not to attend until I decided I had let enough absences accumulate that I needed to drop the class. I'm an NT with a pretty fragile ego, so I have to really curb my immediate reaction to criticism, and not react defensively.

My sister is far worse. Her fear of rejection kept her from seriously dating until just recently, she was terrified of putting herself in an intimate situation where she might be judged or criticized.

Dislike of criticism is a known human trait. There's nothing abnormal about it at all. No one likes it, so we have to work hard to get past it.