Feelings once diagnosed/self-diagnosed

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Apologies if this has been discussed before (I only joined last Thursday) or is an obvious thing to ask, but I'd be interested to know how people felt once they were diagnosed or self-diagnosed themselves.

This is a bit of a hybrid ramble/confession, but here goes.

As I mentioned in my first post last week, I've self-diagnosed myself. Its been a gradual thing really with more and more things adding up. This came to a head last week when, really I found that I had so many traits, both now and as a young child (many of these confirmed by my parents), that it can't be anything but Aspergers. (I might at some point go for an official diagnosis).

Anyway, a bit of background. At one point, about 9-10 years ago, I suffered from several spells of clinical depression. After the usual sorts of anti-depressants for a while, it went away, but I was left with two things. The first is what I call a 'Black Day' where I just feel depressed or numb and unable to motivate myself. I was able to cope with them and ride them out without to many problems though.

The rest of the time, despite feeling either OK or quite good - there was always something gnawing away. Like many Aspies, I am clumsy and my social skills have been erratic. On a day to day basis, they've been OK, if a little bit quiet and at times awkward. But stuff like reading people's body language, subtle facial expressions, flirting etc have been impossible.

I do have good friends, but its a small circle, and I am uncomfortable if say I'm out for a drink with one or some of them and an acquaintence who I don't know well comes. Its not a jealousy thing, or anything like that it's just more of a I don't know you, so I find it impossible to make conversation with you thing. That also goes for any sort of romantic liaisons. Without getting too far into this, I have been with 3 girls, but not in a relationship. But then I found myself caught in the predicament of hating one night stands or sex without meaning (for me personally I mean, its not a moral thing) , but also of not being able to flirt or strike up conversations and therefore unable to meet anyone that I could form a relationship with.

I've spent years with this gnawing constantly away, with no confidence, with the idea that I'm some useless, hopeless case who will die alone, without anyone.

However, since things fell into place, my self-diagnosis has completely changed things. I've had a week where the gnawing has completely vanished, I feel completely elated. I can't remember ever feeling better. I have a stack of confidence. I feel like there's some clarity and that (partly thanks to finding this resources) I might just have the skills, not just to cope, but to push on, have bigger aspirations. In the space of a week I've gone from believing all hope of a relationship had gone, to thinking that one is an absolute certainty (despite there being no immediate prospects on the horizon as yet!)

Did anyone else have this sense of euphoria? and if so, how long did it last? I realise it MUST be temporary, but I'm assuming that the new - post diagnosis 'normal' feels better than the old pre-diagnosis one right?

I've never really had feelings of euphoria over anything.

My reactions to diagnose were two-fold. First of all, I was relieved knowing that all these problems were not all in my head--I actually had a reason for them. Second (and this one came a bit later) I also felt just a bit down because I once thought these were all things I would grow out of one day and I could learn how to live in the world just as functionally as everyone else. Now I know that will never happen.

I've also recently come to the realization that many of my traits and quirks are consistent with aspergers. However, it's left me with a feeling that I definitely wouldn't describe as euphoria or elation.

I won't self-diagnose, partly because I won't trust myself to do it and partly because I have a number of traits that aren't consistent with aspergers as well (for instance, I've always taken some level of pride in my ability to guage other peoples intentions and motivations). I don't trust subjective tests you find online because they are 'one size fits all' and I don't think they could produce a professional diagnosis..and they're, well, subjective. I don't say this to take anything away from anyone who is self-diagnosed, of course - it just doesn't work for me.

So for me it's becoming a little bit of an obsession. I gather more and more information on it and the 'need to know' grows that much more all consuming to the point that I've been losing sleep since it dawned on me that aspergers or some other type of autism was a serious possibility for me.

I guess my best answer to the question is that everyone experiences things a little differently. If you're lucky enough to have a positive feeling about your diagnosis, my suggestion is to take advantage and use it to affect more positive changes in your life. Now's the time to establish positive habits and look for more ways that you can make positive changes and connections in your life. Find things you will feel good about, or make you feel good and do them.

Eh, I figured out that I was suffering from HFA from interviewing my mother and from complaints from co-workers... And small comments from friends.

My mother made a comment that she assumed it was my "autistic" side of my brain working a lot of the time when I was young. Strangely enough, she refuses to admit that I am actually autistic, even though she thinks that I behave and think in the stereotypical way often.

Not sure how I felt when I finally decided that I had it--I always knew there was something wrong with me. I've always had problems "getting it". I have honestly given up on being "normal", so I wasn't even trying to fix myself. By the time I made up my mind, I already knew that I am what I am.

I think I've only told my brother and mother. My brother is a psychology major and was actually concerned that I had schizophrenia (he was doing research on it for an essay), because I suffer from catatonia; I had to reassure him though, that I was focusing on something and I just do not respond when I'm focusing!

The only thing that I can say now, is that at least I am more aware of what I'm doing and work on my problems--like eliminating sensory issues.

Well, I didn't exactly feel euphoric or elated about my (still self-) diagnosis. It may turn out as well that I'm "only" in the broader autism phenotype. Nevertheless, knowing myself, when I have the mood I can feel euphoric or elated about the sense of belonging somewhere, in this case, autistic people. I don't know what it is, or anyone else has it or not, it's like I'm still a child with a strong desire to be a part of a common experience thus have a feeling of belonging to a certain group, which, in its irrationally idealized form, is reassuring. Does it make any sense?

Good topic. I have a recent "unofficial professional diagnosis". I call it that because I did not have any testing done. I did have a lengthy conversation with my doctor (complete with a report I prepared so I wouldn't forget anything lol), and additionally talked with a lifelong friend who works in mental health. They were both in agreement that I have AS. I didn't really need a professional opinion as I already believed it to my core, but professional backup is good to have when people start in with "Are you sure..."

Anyway, my feelings about this subject have ranged from joy at finding the answer to my lifelong question of "what's wrong with me?", to sad as I look back at my life from a completely different perspective and see that poor little kid who just wanted to fit in. I am also left with a feeling of "what now". Solving the puzzle that has been using up all my mental resources (trying to figure out what's wrong with me) had become quite a part of my everyday life, so what do I do now? The first thing I am going to do is give myself a rest lol. From there I will figure it out. There's a lot of stifled creativity among many other things that have been pushed aside for years which I will now have plenty of time for. Good luck with sorting this out within yourself

I figured this out for myself about a year ago and just feel happier and happier. Relieved that I can now stop trying to be something that I'm not and stopped feeling bad about myself for a long list of self-accusations: not "trying" hard enough (to have friends, socialize etc.), being uninterested in dressing up, "wasting my time" with my special interests, feeling like a three and a half year old in my heart (when would I ever grow up?) and more. It continues to explain so much.

Also, finding this site and some other on-line connection to people who are like me! Wow! That will always make me feel good since I went all those years without the sensation of belonging to any group. Plus the prospect of actually meeting other autistics. I do know some people who I now recognize as AS but I mean where we are both/all are aware of our condition and can talk about it - or talk about something else - or just sit there and not talk and not feel bad about it!

I don't remember my reaction to self-diagnosis, that was too long ago.

My reaction to my official diagnosis was relief. The week in between my evaluation and receiving my results back I was terrified that I was going to be told I was just a shy neurotypical with made up problems. Being told that Asperger's did in fact match me, was telling me that I was allowed to identify with who I felt I was, and that I wasn't broken.

I'm not sure how much that part makes sense to others, but to me getting my Asperger's diagnosis meant that I was just an aspie, not a broken neurotypical. Having the traits that are associated with autism and not having something associated with them felt more like I was being told I was broken than being given a diagnosis. It helped that I had self-diagnosed years before, but I was scared that I had made my problems look worse than they were in order to give myself a description. Instead I was told that my traits matched those traits, and it was incredibly relieving to be able to relate to something.

It probably also helped how I was told - the person who diagnosed me didn't say "You have Asperger's" or "You are autistic" or anything. He said "Asperger's Syndrome is an appropriate label for these traits of yours". It focused on the fact that I was an individual on top of an aspie. Being able to say I'm an aspie is nice, but this variety of speaking made a difference to me and I could see helping people who were less scared of not getting the diagnosis. I feel like putting it in terms of traits of an individual rather than a diagnosis that says who you are would make people have fewer negative reactions to diagnoses.

My reaction was much too complex to state in a few paragraphs. But to put it simply, it was nothing short of a euphoric experience.

I've wasted years upon years of self blame as to why I wasn't like other people - why I could enjoy and take comfort in the things other people do. Why I don't feel the same way other people do. Why so many things are so different than other people. I know why now and all I can call it is unmitigated relief. I'm no longer alone.

By the time I was officially diagnosed, I had experienced a range of emotions--but nothing I would call euphoric. For about a week, I was extremely angry and found myself short-tempered with people (I work with the public, believe it or not.) I think the anger was directed mostly at myself. Why? For trying so hard throughout my life to fit in, or fit a certain social role that wasn't right for me. (I'm 47 and only recently diagnosed.) Now, I've mostly reached the "acceptance" stage, although there may be times when I will re-experience anger or despair over time wasted trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm glad you've found this to be a euphoric experience, but as you said, it probably won't last. It sounds like a cliche, but try to take it one day at a time. Focus on your strengths and find effective strategies for managing your weaknesses. Don't forget, even among Aspies, you're a unique human being.

I felt relief. There was something that filled in the cracks.

I found I am not alone. This has been my lifeline. I don't want a social life, I don't mean that, but to be so alone that you cannot communicate is horrible on an existential level. I mean, yes I can communicate, my last two jobs were dealing with the public (cashier and till operator), and I make web sites full of ideas and analysis, but you can hear the crickets chirping, I only get a response when I am entirely false and superficial. Here is the first place in my life where I feel I exist.

I sort of know what you mean. I can get by on a functional-level. I too work in a public-facing job, and I've found that it has helped me, because I have to talk to people and make eye contact. But although I have a small group of friends, and therefore a bit of a social life. It felt like that was it.

Its been over a week now, and I'm still feeling pretty good about everything. I'm sure that'll be over soon like.. Its the eve of the Premier League season, and we have an idiot owner, so I predict nine months of crap.

To me this is a large A-HA moment. I have suspected it for a while (Have always known I was somehow different)
Prior to putting Autism Spectrum brand on it I called myself socially ret*d.
The really good news is that I am at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my skin, and being who I am.
I have learned some social skills - I have gained a lot of insight as I recovered from one form or another of self destructive behavior.
I find it very interesting that having found this forum I have a lot to say....

I had been directed here several times before when searching for info of people in the news, particularly Grigori Perelman, and Dr. Michael Burry. I was on another web board when someone posted a "post your Aspie score" thread linking to the Aspie quiz. I took it and I was shocked while I went through it to see time and time again I remembered specific instances from my childhood that matched with the questions the quiz was asking about. When I was done I was shocked how high I scored relative to everyone else on the thread. I was at least 150% higher than anyone else. I also scored the lowest "neruotypical" score of anyone in the thread. At that point for the first time in my life I had a reason for my thought processes that wasn't "you're a freak". Prior to that day, I'd had crippling depression for years. In the 3 months since then, I've been more content than I've been in recent memory. Knowing I'm not crazy or a freak was one of the most liberating experiences of my entire life.