NT Women...how do you deal with them as an aspie male?

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Often times I will be talking to an NT woman, and we will be getting along great! To me, it seems like she might interested in going out. But when I ask if she'd like to hang, or get coffee sometime, she will look at me like I have 2 heads and act like "whoa....back off there big boy!".

I mean, when you stand there and talk to a guy over a period of time, several times, and if both of you are attractive, what did you think the guy was going to do?

I don't get why NT women act so "shocked" when I ask them out after we've both talked and had good conversations. Not that I often have "good" conversations with anyone (I am an aspie) but the few times I DID feel OK with a woman, she acts all "shocked" when I ask her out!

If you don't think of me in that way Ms. NT lady, then DON'T ENGAGE ME AS IF YOU LIKE ME!

It makes me gunshy to ask other women out. I just don't understand why NT women are like this. Then you'll see these same women go for guys with big guts and zero personality, or other weirdo things. Like a guy with a dirty mountain man beard.

Why do NT women act interested, then act "shocked" when you ask them out? I guess as an aspie this makes no logical sense to me, but maybe there is some "wacky woman logic" I am missing?

I think the problem lies in the social cues that we do/do not project. Evidently there is this subconscious exchange of information about sexual interest and so on that we don't get and don't send, or get wrong and send wrong. Conversation apparently occurs on multiple levels and we only get one of the channels. Plus the signal to noise ratio is not in our favor if that makes any sense at all.

Perhaps they were flirting with you but had no intention of taking it further.

Are they acting interested in you as a human being, or in you as a male?

Easy tip, if she plays with her hair (twirling it a for at least a minute, not just touching it) or keeps on touching you, then you could reasonably assume that she's flirting.

OK lets assume you're right. Lets assume a woman is interested in me, and I in her. Maybe I didn't send her the proper subconscious signals that I was sexually attracted to her. BUT after I ask her out, and assuming she was interested in me at the start, wouldn't that be enough for her to say "OK I know he likes me now!" and for her to say "yes"?

Or are you saying that because I was unable to deliver the "proper subconsciou signals" that she was no longer attracted to me? If thats the case though, why did she still converse with me, and why did she still "seem" to be interested?

NT's are weird.

So why act "shocked" when I ask you out? If a woman is flirting she must have SOME idea that the guy is going to ask her out. But yet these women act "shocked" when I do.

*sigh* oh well.

I think that the key question is what was she doing that made you think that she was flirting?

Ok... weird time but I hope it helps.

All higher mammals/animals have some sort of courtship dance, some particular sexual song/dance/display that signals how great you are that you're interested and all that jive. Humans do to, but it's complicated by the fact that our communication system is so much more complicated. In the conscious mind we are dealing with language and conversation, that is rational and the individuals involved are PROBABLY aware of what is going back and forth, at least in a way. Behind the scene however are all these subconscious things like touching, smiling, dilation of pupils, pheromones and so on. This is where a LOT of information is sent and picked up and neither party is aware of or in control of it, usually. These signals can be mimicked and imitated, manipulated even, with cosmetics to make the eyes look different, blush to make a flushed face and so. This makes the individual present a false face that sends signals they don't necessarily even know that they are sending. Now posture and so on is part of this and that seems to be where we aspies screw it all up. By holding strange stiff postures and looking away we are sending signals that at best are ambiguous if not opposite to what we want to send.

Cure? Hell if I know. Maybe learning more about these signals and trying to manipulate them consciously to send the desired signal? Not sure really.

Maybe not flirting per say, but just engaging in good conversation. For example in one instance, she would stop to talk to me, she would initiate the conversation, she would be the one who'd be laughing at everything I said...

...and then she would be the one "shocked" when I asked her out. Doesn't make sense to me.

You talk about "subconscious communication", but honestly, I observe other men, much less attractive to me, going out with women I'd be interested in. And from observing their interactions with said woman, I really don't see what they are doing that is so "amazingly different" than what I am.

In fact, many times these men have terrible, boring personalities, in my opnion.

I guess whatever it is, it must be EXTREMELY SUBTLE, yet at the same time, EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. It sucks that I'll never "get it" or understand what it is I am "not" doing or what it is that I "am doing too much of". Such a headache.

NT generally don't know the difference between facial expressions and their associated emotions. For instance, a smile and happiness are the same thing to them. They feel strong emotions in connection with certain ques and don't ever think about it. This is why women make so many idiotic mate choices and Aspies can't get friends.

I've had this problem with men. There are a lot of men in the world that I would not go out with.
However, it does not mean that I do not think of them as human beings that might be interesting.

Does this mean that I should not initiate enjoyable conversations with them?

To have had an enjoyable conversation with someone, only for them to suddenly ask me out, is actually startling. There I was, treating them as a human, and to realise that they were looking at me "like that" is very offputting. It feels very intrusive, it feels like someone has intruded and taken liberties, as I had not invited them to take those liberties.

Why would you think that because they like you and enjoy your company that they must therefore want anything more than that? Look at it this way, are you sexually attracted to every woman that you get along well with? I have many female friends without wanting to bed them all. It's exactly the same for them.

Another factor may be:

Location location location!

Are you finding this happens at the supermarket (or places of that nature) ?
Or are you in a bar (or places of a nature where pickups usually happen) ?
Or maybe you're trying to pick up waitresses ?

Sometimes it's not just the body language. Sometimes it's the location.

I've had this problem with women. There are a lot of women in the world that I would not go out with.
However, it does not mean that I do not think of them as human beings, very few of they might be really interesting though.

What does mean when I finaly find an enjoyable conversation with one of them?

To have had an enjoyable conversation with someone, to find someone like this is so rare, that the first thing I want to do is to ask her out. I want to repeat this experience. I am finding an amazing woman who enjoys to be with me; who in the world may belive that she do not think the same? I feel that to ask her out is the natural next step. I will feel like a fool if I do not do it.

That does not seem like they are expressing sexual interest. It just means they enjoy talking to you.

My advice would be to enjoy each other's company for a longer time before asking someone out. Try to look at the aforementioned flirting signs and only ask them out on a romantic date if they show them.

Definitely. Spend some time getting to know them before you do anything. You can't read them near as well as other NTs can, but you can get to know them and their habits and personality. Besides, how are you supposed to know if you like somebody if you don't know them pretty well? "She's nice-looking" is not enough!