Entering Conversations - in Response to the Interview

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Here is the reference -> http://www.wrongplanet.net/article410.html

When I first thought about it, I actually realized that I have no idea how to enter a conversation. My mind went blank. This is the exact same thing that happens when I find myself in social situations. If I see a group of people talking and I think I might want to join in, I can never figure out how to go about doing it. I then usually weigh the risk/reward and forget about it. Walking up to a group of people and saying something (+1 feel good points) isn't usually worth the potential embarrassment it may cause (-10 feel good points) in the event of it happening incorrectly (most likely >80% chance).

Yes, I was always told to say hi and introduce myself. But, as it was pointed out in the video, that's kinda dorky. Nobody ever does that.

However, I find it interesting that her suggestion was exactly what I do when I don't think about it. If there is a break in the conversation and I have something to say, I will say it. It just kinda happens naturally without any effort. This is usually because the topic is of interest to me, and as a result I have something to say.

This seems to further indicate that many social problems are likely due to some sort of extensive awareness. Whereas NTs act on instinct without thinking about it, maybe many of our problems are simply a result of overanalyzing the situation.

I will try and watch the video when I can, but I really think, entering an ongoing conversation is an Oskar Schindler level of social skills. Yes, we can sometimes pull it off, afterall we on the spectrum tend to have patchy skills (I know I do), good in some areas, less good than others. But this is ambitious and is not a 100% deal, not even for people with high level skills.

Okay, somehow need to figure out a way to light-touch it and not invest so much emotionally, so that it's not -10 feel points, if the group doesn't pick up on what one has to say.

And really, this is one reason why it's ambitious to go to a social event by oneself. If you go with a friend or acquaintance, each can help the other.

And, Good Luck! And there is a lot of luck with all of this.

I watched the video.

What I thought was telling was when she started Alex about advice he'd give to someone and when he gave a good answer she said "You have great social skills." Alex replied "theoretically".

I have 38 years of watching how people interact. I know the theory. I see it in action all the time.

But when I try ... it doesn't work as expected. Or I know what to do but I get "stuck" and can't actually put it into practice - this isn't necessarily due to over-analysing or anything (though sometimes it is), it's just like... it won't happen. Or I'll be waiting for the opportunity, the natural break in the conversation in which I could say something, and I miss it ... and I don't realise until afterwards that I missed it. Frustrating as hell.

Theoretically I know what to do. In practice, entering a conversation is almost impossible. It does happen sometimes ... but it's rare.

I think it is interesting that you say the problem does not always come from over-analyzing. Maybe it can come from disinterest?

The natural break in a conversation is behind every corner, it just needs a natural reaction to become a break at all.

People can have a conversation with me, while Im thinking about other things and really not being mentally present, but giving the perfect signs and reactions, even whole sentences in respond to them while they dont notice they are not my nr. 1 occupation. It can go half an hour and more. This happens because my thoughts are seeking interesting stuff. People take my autopilot seriously!

Still I relate to you because its difficult to start a conversation when there is nothing interesting about it. If I ask some questions I have a bunch of information. Thats sometimes ok. (If the person is not boring, than good bye again).

It's not disinterest. If it were disinterest, I wouldn't be frustrated at not being able to enter the conversation, or missing my opportunity to do so.

There are plenty of conversations I'm not interested in. And that's fine. I have no problem just sitting there in my own world with my own thoughts or leaving people to it. I'm talking about conversations I actually want to join in, because I'm interested.

Same here. My theoretical knowledge of social skills is very good. If my real life applicational knowledge matched my theoretical knowledge, I would come across as a skilled NT. Its fustrating to how NTs always think that if you dont show it, you dont know it. Right now I work as a courtesy clerk at the market and I get the "do you understand?" question a lot for the social components. Yes I understand, in fact I understand very well. Can I apply it, not very well. I can give practical advice to my NT peers, in hopes know how to apply it.

This is quite interesting. In theory I have no idea what I should do, but in practice it sometimes comes naturally to me, as long as I'm not thinking about it.

Or is it that when I'm not thinking about it I don't notice that I did something wrong?

you're right Im also interested, just sometimes Im not, but I guess thats normal. Im also trying to get communication into practis because I feel like I cant relax and be myself when communicating, just like the most of you. (But sometimes I can).

I would just be really interested in knowing what you mean when you say that the problem is not necessarily over-analyzing, because I really believe that my mind is not aligned with the others because Ive got other thoughts disturbing the line. It is as if I see situations not only from 1. persons view, but also from outside.

Sometimes I start thinking about how naturally I just communicated with somebody and then I already analyzed too much.

If I want to communicate and seem not to get it out in a natural way I think Im analyzing too much, orelse it wouldnt notice that I dont get it out in a natural way?

Actually Im happy about my analyses, so I dont want to miss them either, but sometimes its inconvenient. I guess I just have to live with it, because shuttin off my brain "sounds" like the wrong descission.

I think I must generate the currage to face situations which I mess up, the best would be if I can laugh at it, orelse I just say #&%§ and move on. Being afraid of making errors is not healthy, and if they happen I shouldnt take it so seriously.