The ways in which my AS is unique..

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A quick edit here: I am NOT a sicopath, I am being 100% serious, and I have been diagnosed with AS by a therapist. Thing is I am generally an all-around happy guy, but it doesn't really sound like it from this post, but it's true. I generally try to brighten most people's days, the anger stuff doesn't happen very much anymore. People see me and thing I'm a rude emo because I have scene kid hair, headphones around my neck, and a shirt for some mathcore band (heavy metal is better than any metal that ends with core btw, but core is still good). Thing is I usually do something that is really kind/polite for them and they have a look on their face that is like "Did they really just do that? He looks like he'd be rude on a regular basis"

Hey there, I'm fairly new to WP, so here are some of the things I struggle with:

Some of what I say here may be kinda graphic and disturbing, and some things may be against the rules, but PLEASE do not edit my topic or warn me or anything... I'm trying to be candid about this. I just need some time to pour my heart out. Some of this is AS, some is also AS mixed with sin. The AS don't help though.

My humor is very different and it would be considered ret*d to most people. Few people have the same humor opinions as I do. Usually my close friends are influenced by my humor. Before I hit puberty (age 0 - age 12) I used to cry a lot. Like every day. I would publicly cry and get angry and embarrass myself, but I didn't really feel embarrassed. When I was about 3 - 5 I loved hanging around my friends so much I hated my parents because they ended the play date before I was ready. I would get violent when they did, and my friends would get real scared.

Whenever my parents threatened punishment I would get violent and run outside and hide and then they'd be really PO'd. When I was 10 I went through a second naked phase.... O_O I don't freaking know why I felt like being naked, but that's real strange. Lately I thought about that phase and I thought "My WTF train goes WTF WTF Chugga Chugga WTF WTF Chugga Chugga WTF WTF" which was random. Either random or I stole it from Microsoft Sam Reads Funny Windows errors. Ah crap I just infringed copyright. Oh well. -Police Siren- Isaac: OH CRAP LETS RUN!! Cops: Come out with your hands up! You will get a $.50 fine for infringing copyright of a 12 year old! Isaac: ....WTH

When I was younger.. er... about 8 I went through this weird phase of massaging my parent's cheeks and calling my mom "Mumsy". Once I went through a phase about the same age of randomly spanking myself and laughing about it. Another thing to add (this might by genetic, or an AS defect, I'm not sure), My voice was a high pitched as the chipmunks until about 3-6 months after I turned 12, then it dropped so low that I could use it in blues that most black people (no racism intended) sing. Kinda bums me out cuz I wanna do some really high 80's heavy/speed metal falsetto and some high-pitched power metal vocals. I guess I'll just stick to screaming XD


This next section contains all of my sexual things I have had when I was younger. so viewer (not parental) discretion is advised.

I also acted randomly in which most people would perceive in as adult as gay-ness. Not homo, just gay. When I was younger, I felt like molesting 3 year olds, regardless of gender, species, genitals, etc... I have no freaking idea where that came from. I once had a dream about molesting my mom. I once had a dream about molesting my friend's friend... I once had a dream about molesting someone I saw while I was rollerskating, then had a dream about molesting some random person who I assume does not exist. I used to have a stuffed monkey that I used an exacto-knife from some microscope supplies to cut a hole where a woman's vagina would be, and... yeah... IDK WTF I was doing then.

I have had dreams about love, and lust, and both. I have a friend that I don't really talk to much, but geez, she looked like an angel. I had a dream we did certain unmentionable things (you know what I'm implying) and making out while telling her I loved her... Uhg. Then I once had a dream about someone I have never seen,
never knew, never met and I assume does not exist that fell in love with me.... Maybe a premonition? Those dreams were probably just from puberty and general lust than anything else, but you never know haha.

Sexuality ends here.



Next Section contains some violent content. Viewer (not parental) discretion is advised.

I am so freakin' angry... A LOT.. Some of that may have come from bullying, because I get really defensive. Bwahahahahahaa.... not funny. Whenever someone makes me angry in the slightest way, I will be very rad.

Things I have done out of anger:
Smashed valuable items
Broken holes in the wall
Made satanist/anticrhist drawings on my walls
Cursed Jesus (horrible mistake)
Taken God's Name in vein (horrible mistake)
Wrote stuff on my walls and bed and shelves and etc detesting Jesus (horrible mistake)
Threatened the annoyer of death, pain, torture, hell, etc
Told the annoyer to go to hell
Screamed profanities and the annoyer (personally I do not believe profane words actually exist)
Beat the f**k out of the annoyer (horrible mistake)
Masturbated to a picture of them dying and being molested at the same time in my mind (horrible mistake)
Annoyed the f**k out of my parents so long after they got in bed that they would crash the next morning, then I would laugh at them and tell them how much I hate them

I don't really want to list anymore, for obvious reasons. When my parents take any kind of disciplinary action, I want to
Smash their face with a hammer (Cannibal Corpse reference haha)
Tie them up and torture them with a razor
Set them on fire
Beat them with heavy objects
Stab them until there is no flesh left to stab
Send them to hell
Rack torture
Molestation Torture

All of those I want to do while laughing at their suffer and saying SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE B*TCH? I WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHA

I don't want to list anymore angry things, for more obvious reasons.

Violence ends here

'Nother thing is I don't actually love ANYONE. Kids are often say they love their parents but that is because they're parents either tell them to or they just say it because their parents say it. I really don't give a sh** about the majority about what my parents say. If they died, these are the things I would thing I would be thinking of:

1. Am I going to loose my unlimited access to my phone, iPod, WII, going outside, ETC
2. Will I have to go to public/private school? They both SUCK compared to homeschooling (At least in my opinion)
3. Will my foster parents will give 2 less sh**s about what I do?
4. Will I move to a place like Atlanta, GA (US) where I can actually see some of the bands that I listen to on a daily basis?

I have this thing with arguing. I only like CONSTRUCTIVE critisizm. I hate when my parents are like "DO THIS OR ELSE". I only obey without force if what they are asking my to do is a valid point IN MY OPINION, and if they cannot come up with valid IN MY OPINION points then I think F YOU this is ret*d.

I'm tired of these bullies being like "You're a douchebag. Why don't you try to be normal?" What I say: "THERE IS NO D*MN F**KING SUCH THING AS NORMAL, IT IS JUST THE F**KING WAY GOD F**KING MADE ME SO GO BURN IN HELL YOU STUPID A** C*NT F**KHOLE". Then they look like "What did I do"? They seem so guilty. I hope they all burn in hell! I will laugh at them when they fall (Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, haughty spirit before a fall. I know I am hypocritical in some ways about that verse) regardless of what the bible says!

I am also OBSESSED with music, airsoft/paintball, and game creation/video games. It's hard to carry a conversation about things that are not one of those........... I listen to music about 5 hours out of my 16 hour day (I wake up really early) I play airsoft a lot (not as much as I used to tho) I create games all the time, I am always improving, improvising, and modifying my games. I will waste money on concerts, concert merch, digital music as well as CDs, airsoft BBs, paintballs, and video games. I cannot live without my iPod. If my parents take it away for even five minutes I will consider suicide, murder, everything. I once came close to threatening my dad with a knife to give it back.

Another thing with music, if I cannot do whatever the f**k I want to whenever the f**k I want to and however the f**k I want to, I becoming enraged.

I used to be obsessed with malware hunting but not much anymore. I have been addicted to video games, but not so much anymore.

I also find some noises annoying, but only when other people do it. I find whistling, bathroom fans, typing, and pianos annoying. WHY DOES MY BROTHER HAVE TO PLAY THE PIANO?!?! WHY CANT HE PLAY FOLK METAL GUITAR WAAHHHHH (((

Some types of book pages feel annoying when I touch them... Others cannot feel the difference. I will be like "LLOYD!! It's OBVIOUS!! !". I used to hate wearing shirts with decals, but I don't really care anymore lol.

This is enough for now.

MAN that took me like 45 mins to think of everything, type and post. It feels good to get it out there now lol.

I really can't relate to any of this at all, and nothing here even seems remotely related to AS.

EDIT: I posted something really stupid here, so I got rid of it.

Well, maybe I have more than just AS. But I have been diagnosed by a therapist.. so.. yeah...

Perhaps I am a sicopathic troll with AS!

Jk haha. But seriously, I am being serious

--EDIT--

Maybe I have been misdiagnosed?

I wouldn't know if you're misdiagnosed. I don't know the reasoning behind the therapist diagnosis or your reasoning. I'm no therapist, certainly couldn't diagnose based on this one piece. In fact I wouldn't really give the last post much regard at all since I posted impulsively and thoughtlessly. Anyway, just because you have/had issues would not exclude Aspergers. Heck, I've had large anger issues in the past, though nothing that physically harmed people or property. And just because my first response was to think you looked like a sociopath doesn't mean you are. I don't know the circumstances that caused your outbursts, your behavior, who you are or I do not If I ruined your letting things out or upset you I'm sorry. So to preserve my own hide and avoid bothering you I'll be quiet now.

Just saying, do not trust *just one* therapist. Various therapists have decided to diagnose me with things on a whim that did not fit me, at all. To be diagnosed with AS for me, it took a team of two psychologists, a paediatrician and a speech & language therapist. I'd honestly suggest getting a second opinion. Nobody on this forum can diagnose you.

But anyway - I do relate to some of the things you've said, but not all, and the reason I relate isn't due to my AS. Everyone's different. I have to say though, the anger does sound intense, it may be a good thing you're in therapy.

I can easily relate to you. I don't really know if I have Asperger's, but I had and still have horrible anger issues. I don't really know if it's normal to have such homicidal thoughts, but as long as you won't act on them it's not an immediate issue. I spent a year in school where I plotted daily how I was going to kill a classmate. Nothing vague like "Oh I want to kill you so much". I had decided that I was going to cut off his genitals and place them in his mouth before tearing his throat out and strangling him with it. There was nothing I wanted more than to feel his blood on my fingers. I didn't act on it and things are getting better now. If you think you might act on these feelings seek medical help. It's better for you and it's better for those around you. Just because you don't love people does not make you a sociopath. There are plenty of psychological reasons why you might not love people. No worries. On the topic of sex. It's natural to have some weird dreams. I once dreamed about two squirrels going at it like mad and I had a dream about seeing my teacher urinating. People dream weird stuff. If you think you're going to go through with any of it, see a doctor. Don't keep it bottled up.

Yes, your AS is unique.

No, it is not any more or less unique than anyone else's AS.

I am not saying you don't have AS, I have no idea as I do not know you, but what you explain here is not typical AS behaviour. It could be something that has AS traits as well, or something else? I am not sure. I just wanted to say though that I seen a documentary once about a young girl who explained many of the things you mentioned here, and she had a pretty severe case of reactive attachment disorder. She did terrible things including molesting her brother and imagining and trying to kill family members. That was about 20 years ago, and she has had much therapy and is doing MUCH better--and studying to become a doctor. She has completely turned her life around. (ie. There is help). I have no idea if what you have is related to this, just saying they sound very similar, and it might be something you want to look into.

I can relate to some of this, including the sensory issues - although some of my specific issues are different - and I have a theory about the anger. I have a lot of it inside, too, and I think it comes from being bullied, from the constant pressure to be "normal" when I CANNOT! On the other hand, I've tended to turn the anger more onto myself. I think a lot of us do that.

I also went through periods when I thought I didn't love anyone. I say thought because over time, I've realised that the fact I don't feel things in the same way, or express them in the same way, doesn't mean I have no feelings. As far as the sexual things you mention, well, I certainly dreamed of girls I knew when I was a teenager, and girls I imagined. The rest of it, well, I had some pretty messed up thoughts, but I didn't go in the same directions you did. I think I can relate, at least partly, but I'm not sure we need to discuss the details of all that...

Your relationship with your parents is something I might be able to understand, too. My father was the most absurdly overprotective person I've ever known, and my mother was smothering. My father's idea of keeping me safe was that I "shouldn't go near the water until he learns how to swim". He actually thought that made sense. That put a lot of the anger in me. And - while I think you're right that homeschooling is preferable, since my experiences of public education have scarred me in ways I'm still figuring out - the fact that your parents homeschool you suggests that they may be overprotective. Some of your comments give me that idea, too, since they remind me of my own frustration.

I don't usually mention religion or God online, but I do consider myself a Christian, and since you mention Jesus, I assume you do, too. I apologise to anyone who isn't interested in that topic and suggest you may want to skip this in that case.

At about your age, I came to believe in God. I tried to follow Him for a while, then I got the idea that He was real, but it was all a sadistic trap to torment me, and I spent years raging at Him, cursing at Him. I'm not proud of that now, but I did. So I can relate to that, too. In the end, I came to understand what God really means, all those things that He says we "will be ever seeing but never perceiving". It takes a real paradigm shift. We can't be good enough. We can't do what He says. All those things you're ashamed of - you're no worse than I am. We all have to rely on Him to forgive us. Most hymns make me want to puke, but since I've understood Who God truly is, Amazing Grace really hits me, every time. It's real.

If you're like me, I suspect you have a long, painful struggle ahead of you. I'm sorry to say that, because I remember all the years of pain I went through. But you've got a few things going for you that I didn't. And, as much as you can, try to hang onto God, to turn toward Him. Because He really is the answer, in too many ways to list here. You'll be tempted to believe all the people who say He's not real, but now that I've 'seen' the world shift underneath my feet, and understand at least a tiny fraction of Who He really is, and what He really means, I am absolutely certain that He is. No, I can't prove it in a laboratory, for all those atheists on here who will want to jump down my throat. But that's part of the point. He doesn't want to prove His existence in a way that has us all cowering. If He did, that would be easy enough. He wants us to get to know Him.

Sorry, I won't keep going on about God, but I had to explain that much, since He is the one single reason I'm still here, and sane. Even while I was cursing Him, He was looking out for me. I can see some of His plan unfolding now, and I'm sure of that. For the rest, I won't pretend to understand every single thing you've thought or done - none of us can do that - but I think I can relate in a general sense. You're not crazy - or perhaps I should say, every single person is crazy, but there's nothing wrong with you beyond the ordinary. We're all messed up.

I hope that helps, a little.

Edited to add: No, a lot of the things that trouble you most are not typical of AS in themselves. I don't think they are - directly - the result of AS. But I do think that they may be the result of frustration with the NT world trying to cram your AS mind into their NT shaped holes. At least, that was the case with me. And, for what it's worth, I had a lot of thoughts that disturbed me, but I never acted on them. The fact that they disturb you is a good sign. It means that you are messed up, but you know right from wrong, and you aren't just looking for someone to help you go on a killing spree. I'm not sure you can help the thoughts or ideas that pop into your head - it's how you act on them that matters.