Thinking About Other People

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Hello, this is my first time posting here, I'm a 19 year old male, and just found out I have asperger's syndrome. Being 19, and thinking you're completely normal until you find out, is such a hard discovery to comprehend to yourself (Also, I'm just now realizing that my word choice in the words of that last sentence was partly because of me being autistic and not having a very good vocabulary or sense of word choice).

I am probably by myself 98% of the time and I prefer it that way. My family, mostly my mother, can't understand why I would want to do that. I play "play money poker" as much as I can, or when my mom doesn't turn off the internet, and the other time I'm asleep. I just recently started going back to school (community college) like 8 months ago after I dropped out in 10th in high school. I am getting good grades and have passed all my classes except for two until then. Finding out I have asperger's syndrome (or a high function form of autism if I am not mistaken) has answered a lot of questions about my life. Like why I don't have any friends, or want any, why I've never had sex, or kissed, a girl, how i can never hold a conversation, why i never make eye contact, why I'm most likely depressed, and pretty much everything else that probably everyone on this forum who is autistic can relate to. I also see myself as the next poker genius because I do play and think about it just that much. I thought everyone had some addiction or obsession that they got into and just would want to be the best at it. But I guess that's just me (or us lol).

One of the things I just recently discovered, or figured out, about myself from after discovering I have asperger's syndrome is that I never think about other people. I don't think about how they think or that, if I'm doing something with them tomorrow, what I'm going to do with them. I will just never think about anyone and the only things that I will think about is: 1) girls, 2) poker, and 3) miscellaneous like asperger's or some other mental status. I guess for normal people, or people without asperger's syndrome, do they consistently think about others and how others perceive them? Like what do normal people think about? I only think about three things I'm just now realizing and it's kind of scary because I thought I was normal for 19 years now I'm discovering that I'm not and I think I'm ret*d or something. What do normal people think about? Do they think about others just all the time? Because I never think about my mom or my brother or my sisters and I never think about if what I said ever hurt them or if they're in pain or anything. I'm just always thinking about those 3 things and mostly myself. BUT it's totally unintentional. I didn't know I was being so ignorant to all their feelings. I guess I forgot that people have feelings. I just like to think about girl's butts and boobs, poker, and whether i'm sane or not. Never anything else. What the hell do normal people think about? What the hell is wrong with me?

This is all so new to me and I'm kind of freaking out I guess. I always knew I was "different" but this is just so bizarre. People with autism, I always had "pinned" them with this predisposed image or stereotype like drooling or something BUT NOW I'm one of those people and looking back at my life and all those long long long times alone playing poker and all those very awkward social interactions, I am one of those autistic people and I am one of those people that I had stereotyped with the drooling or blank mind. That's exactly how others perceive ME. I thought I was normal, I thought I was above them, now I am them. I just want to learn how to cope with this, I want to get to know others who have it, and I want to learn how to be better. I want to learn how to be like everyone and to learn how to make friends or how to get a girlfriend or something even though I have never had any of those. I want them very very badly but instead I just sit and play online poker all day.

P.S. If this isn't where this should be posted in the forums, then I'm sorry, please move it to where it is most appropriate.

Thank you,

John W

Sou ds to me, if you want all those thing so very very badly, you must think about it, well, at least enough to want it very very badly, am I right? You can learn how to do those things just like you can learn anything else.

Welcome to WP

First of all, you should not be ashamed of what you are. Realising it is a really big step in the process. I know it sucks to suddenly realise that you have been trapped in these habits and thoughts for so many yearts, but see it as a possibility: Now you can be aware of it and try to learn how to cope with it. For me it has kinda been the other way around. I tend to think WAY too much about what others think. I have a hard time telling other peoples reactions and have therefore always assumed that most of them was indifferent to me. That if they did not express in words that they liked being around me, I assumed that they did not care. Now I'm aware that I just have difficulties with reading there reactions and I can keep that in mind when around others. It helps me a great deal.