Integrity 'knock-back'

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Has anyone ever had so many knock backs or failures, at work, relationships, whatever, that you find it hard to get back on the horse, and be who you were once proud to be?

I was in a job where an older more experienced colleague who kept telling me the wrong thing, either on purpose or accidently (i can forgive accidently but she didn't like to be worng so could never admit to it). And with one unfair bitchy thing and after another it became unbearable, particularly because noone would consider firing this awful memeber of staff because she was near retirement age (I understood the "near retirement" bit in the end and couldn't deny that tolerance wasn't a bad thing, considering her circumstances) but I was the only one she was literally messing things up for which made it my sole issue). I had to quit.

I also was in an emotionally and phychologically abusive relationship for four years which ended badly. Even though I had managed to get her out of my life I hadn't managed to get her out of my life.. she kept coming back and it got worse and worse, ending with me being attacked when I had just stated that I would not harm her back. This was very traumatising, and to top it off, in the end, I literally do not know who I was with for 4 years. The discovery of the lies truely shocked me into illness amongst other reasons associated with the way she was with me. My depression was like a free-fall. PTSD was harder!

It's just made it hard for me to pick up where I left off. I was into the integrity of a loving relationship and performing my work I was always unassuming, happy, true, and committed. Now I am afraid. Who can I trust, and what is my dedication, love and energy worth anymore? I have worked so hard to fit in and to also be myself.

I am afraid of getting into a situation with one or more people in a new job who for their own reasons will take a dislike to me or consider me a threat and mess things up for me again.. as I find it hard to fight my battles without it being mentally and emotionally exhausting, not to mention the fact that when starting a new job I RELY on my colleaugues to train me and be in a team! It's like I have to study and think and pick up the pieces all the time! Secret words are spoken (lies upset me, gossip doesn't!) and that is devastating!

People play such games, and it is those games I am naive to I suppose. They can think quick too! Liars think quick! And they can surprise you at any time! It took me a long time to "prove" to myself before I could confide in anyone. Lucky I did, as many people felt the same way about my ex colleague. (But they can brush it off, eh?) She actually made me cry one day and I disappeared for two hours! Not good!

[The thing is I didn't suspect I had aspergers until after all of this.. long story, not for telling now! (Side note: I now understand why I have read so many books on communication and relationships and self-help, since a teenager!)] But "words" people say mean nothing to me now.. my intuition is OK, but to be honest I trust myself alot less now, after the abusive relationship.. but I supose she was an awfully good liar and manipulator.. she has many people still under her spell and rhetoric.

I'm over my depression now, but still stalling. I'm frightened to be me now. Don't trust. And I'm frightened people will see through me and prey on my weaknesses like my ex obviously did. I would feel "wide open" if I went back into the world as I was before, and I'm no longer inspired to be those values I so courageously held on to all these years after every knock back and challenge life had given me before just over a year ago when these things came to an end.

I have also - though reading about co-dependancy - opened my eyes and worked on relationship and personal issues on the whole. Unfortuneatly my close family re-acted badly when I started to change for the better, and they did some terribly upsetting things, and now they are out of my life too. For the sake of my own and my Son's sanity, and for practical daily living to work, and his education, I had to cut them out.

Like I said, I'm over my depression, and actually feeling great for the first time ever in myself, but, it's the outside world that is now scarier than ever to me. How do I get myself back? How do I get the courage back?

What can I do? Any advice or experiences to share?

What's most important to me is to get the essence of me back again, and live the life I was always self-inspired to live.

Thanks in advance
Sound of Rain

WoW! I can write alot! Blame the self-help! lol

These things wear people down. That's my experience. I am quite demolished now.

I relate to what you're saying a lot. I think another word for our naivety is purity/innocence, and the NT world and various disappointments and setbacks seem to erode it over time.

Wish I could offer advice but I have the exact same feeling and not sure how to get back to the old untainted self. Maybe a long vacation, meditation, God knows....

Hi Sound of rain

I wish I had something useful to add but I don't, I just wanted to post as I have often felt the same way, and I completely hear what you are saying

I clicked open your profile as you live near me, any luck with the diagnosis?

That's it purity/innocence. That's what it's always been.

What books would you recommend? Are there ways to protect yourself in this world that you know of? Do you know of a "safety-for-aspies" plan?

All I can think of is a plan I had.. which was to make sure I don't lend people money, don't live with any other adult, don't get in a relationship (find good friends instead), and rely on self-employment (which includes being skint! lol) when i have to leave a job! Ah! I suppose knock-backs and horrid people are a part of life.

I think feeling more secure and protected would help me.

At least I know there's a reason now why I've struggled with life. At least I can be kind and patient with myself. Acceptance maybe?

I feel extreemly protective of myself!! !

I have chosen to not go for a diagnosis. I beleive it would make the situation with my family worse. I'm good at self-study, etc, so I think it's better to go for the self-help route.

This is an associated thought. I've just realised why I can never do anything (jobs/projects/socialising) without problems! That has been what has been stopping me too. Now I realise it's not 100% about where I fit. I do need to find like minded, trustworthy and kind people, but I also have needed to realise that I will always have issues to address and challenges to face in every task I undertake. Realising this is freeing! A bit depressing, but freeing nonetheless. Because I have been feeling so different inside I thought it was all my fault and was "wrong" and hiding it when I could. But other NT people have the same, in their own ways.

Kiana, I read on a blog a reply from someone on here who said that who we are is what we do, and facing our fears brings something out about ourselves.

I recently knew someone who does exactly as she likes. No guilt! Why should she have any? She's a kind person. Just independant. Meeting her was like holding a mirror up to my face, and I saw more places where my integrity was out as a person. All my life I have tried to fit in and hide.. even the things I say became habit.. they weren't really what I thought or true to me. I know why. Because sometimes, when I do say what I think, I get a strange reactions. But I really want to work on this and be proud of my perspective as I know it makes sense. Close friends appreciate my perspective. Some issues, such as parenting and feminism, well, people don't get my perspective! lol. But sitting behind a computer and voicing my opinions is relatively safer than face-to-face. That is one way I am practising being honest again. I was attacted to this person because she climbed mountains, went on "adventures", and made me laugh. Things I was missing in my life. I know that I can have my own adventures as I gradually aquire the means and build up the courage and ability slowly. I'm inspired to have fun at least

xeon13.. the word "demolished". That's how I felt and still feel. Big knock-backs like the ones I've had have been devastating. The emotions/feelings were so intense and deep.

oceandrop. "get back to the old untainted self". Yes. That's what I mean. But I suppose I can't forget what I've learned so how to do so? Why did you suggest meditation/holiday?