Need Help! one parent in denial

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I have been pretty certain for a long time now that my son (now 8 years old) has aspergers. My husband, a well educated, normally very open minded man, is completely opposed to that thought. I have only brought up that word about 3 times in the past several years, and the discussions are not good! Recently he did agree to let him start counseling. If my son truly does have aspergers (or anything besides being a difficult child), my hope is that a professional, like his counselor will approach this subject. I work with special needs children, and my husband feels like it's easy for me to pinpoint issues and put him into a category. I do understand what he is saying, and others do not always see what I see, however, the older my son gets, the more certain I am. If someone else mentions this as a possibility, I believe he will be more apt to look into it.

Anyway, does anyone have any specific advice on what I can do, in a respectful way, to open my husband's mind to this possibility? Any specific reading material I could suggest to him? He is a great father and husband, we are just not on the same page about this.

Thank you in advance!

Rather than point your husband to a label. Point out specific things that you feel your son needs help with.

The most important weaknesses to focus on would probably be the social ones. Because frequently these start to take precedent when the person with AS becomes an adult and starts to have difficult with romantic and work relationships.

Do you know exactly why your husband is opposed to the idea that your son has ASD? Is it because he has not noticed the traits that you have noticed, or is it because he has noticed but considers them normal, or is it because he has noticed, considers them abnormal, but is opposed to labeling your son?

If it is the last, then you might want to try the following approach. Explain to him that, contrary to his belief, everyone in society has a label, whether or not they have ever seen a headshrinker. The default label is normal. If your son is normal, then everything is fine. He has the accurate label of normal affixed to him. If your son is autistic, then everything is not fine. He has the inaccurate label of normal affixed to him.

For the autistic child, what are the benefits of having the accurate label? FOR him, the accurate label may give him support in school and understanding from adults responsible for his well-being - parents and teachers.

To the autistic child, what are the benefits of having the accurate label? TO him, the accurate label may give him the freedom to be himself as he grows up into a confident productive member of society.

I believe that this is the root of the matter of labeling. Having an inaccurate label affixed to you is not a good thing. It is dangerous. A label comes with a set of expected perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and actions - the way that others expect your mind to work and the person that others expect you to be. An inaccurate label creates a mismatch between what you are, what you are expected to be by others, and also what you are expected to be by yourself.

For example, many autistic children don't need or want to have friends. If your husband expects your son to have friends, then there is a mismatch between the needs and wants of the autistic child and the expected needs and wants of the normal child. Your son is probably too young for this mismatch to affect him. But as he gets older, he will figure out that others expect him to be what he is not. First, he will feel defective for not having friends. Second, he will feel defective for not needing or wanting to have friends. He will ask himself, "What is wrong with me? What normal person doesn't need or want to have friends? What kind of person am I for not needing or wanting to have friends?" He will answer himself, "I am not normal. I am defective for not having friends and for not needing or wanting to have friends. I am defective in this and many other areas compared to other people. Other people don't think and feel this way, so my thoughts and feelings are wrong, so I am both defective and insane."

I don't think that your husband would want your son to think this way, ever. But if your son is autistic, and your husband insists that he is normal and raises him with that belief in mind and confers to him that he is expected to be normal, then these thoughts will appear in his head, sooner or later.

It is much better for these alternative thoughts to appear in his head: "I am not normal, because I am autistic, which is totally normal for me. I am happy being alone or having only a few friends. I value my relationships with people, but I know that I don't need or want a lot of them. I know that my social behaviors are not synchronized with those of others, so it is easy for me to misunderstand others and for others to misunderstand me. However, I can learn more about others to come up with effective communication strategies. I can learn about others and modulate my behaviors to get by in society, but I will also feel comfortable being myself. Being myself means that I don't socialize a lot or have a lot of relationships, but I spend a lot of time pursuing my interests to hone the talents and skills that will give me an equally fulfilling life and the chance to contribute to society with the gifts of my beautiful mind, whether or not others regard that mind to be disordered or disabled."

I don't think that any rational person would have much of a problem with the above.

Sorry for the essay if it is not relevant to your situation. I believe strongly that autistic children are best raised to be their natural selves while being taught to navigate society rather than to repress themselves to become poor emulators of what they are not and cannot become.

does your son have any sensory issues? or is he just bright and socially uncalibrated?

For me it was my parents denying that I had Aspergers. Then I got diagnosed formally and they've pretty much accepted it. After all they're not going to deny the ruling of a very experienced professional in the field. They also got a book on the subject after talking to them about it so they know more about the condition now. Also my brother has different symptoms also on the Autism spectrum which helps to bring it home.

Could you get your son diagnosed or point any of this stuff out?

Yes, he has a lot of sensory issues! My husband can accept that, part, but not the idea of a disorder or condition like aspergers, adhd, etc.

No, I can't get him diagnosed. I wouldn't do that behind my husband's back. I've brought up going through the process, but he is not ready for that.

If you haven't done already maybe bring it up in the parents forum, perhaps there are more people there who are parents of autistics rather than autistic themselves. It could be a common problem.