How to get her to understand without thinking I am mental

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My attorney, that is. On Friday, my oldest daughter was supposed to go to her father's house for the rest of the summer for visitation. For reasons I do not want to get into right now, we were both notified that she will not be spending the summer with her sisters. This freaked her out (sudden change) and threw me off a bit. Then from things said (past and present) I became afraid that my ex was going to take off across the country (to where he now lives and has been trying to get the kids to - why we are back in court). I was afraid he was going to do this once before, and he did not, but there is so much more to it this time. I sent an email off to my atty expressing my concern (she wants me to email her as much as possible since calling costs me a lot of money) and forwarded the communication between my ex and me. This is the response I got today:

I was in a panic on Friday. I don't even remember what I sent to her. I remember calling once and telling her that she needed to check her emails. I also was told by everyone I talked to said to get both her and the police involved. I literally had a panic attack AND a meltdown (new one for me. Usually it is one or the other - not one right after the other).

How do I tell her that what happened Friday is due to the Aspergers? I am afraid and go into flight or fight mode. I don't always know what I am doing. The last time she did not understand something I did, I was devastated because she shunned me. During a psychological evaluation, I Was asked if I had ever cut myself. I said yes. She was furious that I said yes, because that was made a big deal of in the report. I told her: "What else did you expect me to do? Lie? He asked and I answered." I also tried to tell her that cutting is not a form of trying to kill yourself. That it releases endorphins. She cut me off and said she didn't want to hear my philosophical ideas on it. These are not philosophical. They are scientific.

This was before I had the AS dx. She now knows and says she understands why I told him I cut. Now, I am afraid to tell her that any other calls I made beyond the one I remember making was because of being in a meltdown, panic state. I am afraid that she will take that as being mentally unstable. She does not understand and I don't know how to get her to. I am scared she is going to release herself as my atty. I also honestly do not remember this advice they are saying they game me regarding him taking the kids out of state. I hate my memory.

Last edited by GreatSphinx on 18 Jul 2011, 6:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

just relax. you just got scared something might happen. it might happen, but according to this email you have recourse if it does happen. just go out and do something and let it go.

Tell her.

She's your attorney, and she should know ANYTHING that your ex might know or that your ex's lawyer may discover. Not telling her everything puts her at a possibly dangerous disadvntage in doing her job, which is to look out for YOUR best interests. Don't hold anything back. None of it.

It is her job to know.

She does know I have Aspergers. My problem is that she does not understand it. The other side does not know I have it, and we have people in place to help my side should they discover it (they say I cannot mentally handle the kids because of my past well over 3 years ago).

My fear is that he will take them out of state. If he does this, he will be in violation of a court order and will have a warrant issued for his arrest. This is the problem. I am in Ohio. He is in Seattle. The police in the city in Ohio said they will not do anything, even if he is leaving with them, because it is a civil matter, even though there is a court order. I am afraid that if he gets them out of state, he will just avoid coming back to Ohio (he has nothing here. He burnt his bridges long ago). I have heard horror stories of dads taking kids out of state and moms not getting them back because the warrant is issued only for one state. I am just afraid if he actually leaves, I will never see them again.

As for the Aspergers, she knows, but I don't think she understands. I am sure she feels that since I look like an adult of almost 38, that I have the social and emotional IQ of an adult the same age. That is so not true. I am learning, and now that I know what my issue is, I am working on it. She just does not understand that when I panic, I go into fight or flight and I don't always realize what I am doing. If I tell it to her like this, I know she will think it is a mental thing, when it is not. I just don't know how to tell her that my behavior isn't due to a mental illness. She already thinks that my 'opinions' on what I do are just that... opinions, and purely philosophical. I feel I need to get an expert in the field to testify to her so that she understands that I am not being manipulative or anything like that. She is a good atty, but sometimes, I wish I had someone who understood what I am a little better.

I never thought I would be scolded for telling the truth. She said that was the most detrimental thing I could have done to my case. How could I lie? It was a yes or no question?? Besides, cutting is something people are afraid of, and apparently this psychologist was afraid. My psychiatrist (who knows I do not do it anymore) agreed with me and even said there were studies that said it was addictive and produced endorphins. I hate being called a liar and that's what I feel she did when she said my facts were philosophical. I am afraid if I tell her that my behavior is due to Aspergers, she will expect me to either shape up and act like an NT, say I am just making excuses, or both.

It's good that she knows, but I meant tell her that's the reason for what happened.

It's not so much that she needs to understand it entirely. That isn't her job. That's what the doctors are for. If it ever had to come up in court, she would defer to the doctor's knowledge anyway. I suppose during that process she'd kind of have to learn a little about it, but she's not likely to learn any more than she needs to know to do the best job she can for you at what she does.

I really don't think it would hurt to let her know. She's bound by client-attorney privilege laws. Attorneys learn all sorts of stuff about their clients they may not care much about. Psychiatric conditions are high on that list.

Whether she thinks you're "mental" or not is not even relevant. Even if she does, her primary job is to protect YOUR interests. That's what she's getting paid to do.

We had a status hearing today, and we talked about what happened. I explained that what I did was Aspergish, and she explained that her letter back to me was cold lawyerish. Both of us had concerns that caused the two of us to react the way we did. Everything is OK and we both understand.

Now. I am going to have to do some research on both the positive aspects and negative aspects of AS parents (parenting AS, NT or both). I also have to find a reputable source (some well known place that lists symptoms (not the diagnostic criteria)) that will give symptoms, or things that you may see someone on the spectrum do. I have a couple examples off the top of my head:
Stimming (rocking, spinning, hand flapping, thumb twirling)
Fears (more out of proportion from what others have)
Misunderstood often
Walking on tip toes
Looking out of the corner of eyes... etc

I owe my atty too much money to have her hire someone to research this for her, but being AS may actually be the saving grace in getting my children back. I am doing the research on my own. His atty is desperate, so he will ask *anything* to make even the pope look bad. I need negatives and positives. I am looking on my own, but I would like to know if others can find something I have missed.

Basically, the reason this is so important is because I had a psychological evaluation done a year ago that diagnosed me with Borderline. Now that I have the AS diagnosis, it makes the Borderline diagnosis questionable. Also, there was only one point in my life that I experienced borderline symptoms. If you have BPD, you have it your whole life. Not just once. The ONLY thing keeping me from my kids right now is the BPD diagnosis (and I am working with my psychiatrist to get this corrected). They are afraid I am going to hurt the kids. As I researched custody cases involving parents with BPD, it was traumatic. These parents were horrible to their kids. I was never and could never do that to these kids.

Anyway, I will probably write more later.

I am going to throw an idea out here. Rather than being in a position of being fearful of your diagnosis being used against you, if the other side gets wind, beat them to the punch. !st because it explains your actions, and secondly that by doing this you can also proactivly have a plan to address any concerns that could be raised in the court. I realize that there is some chance of this approach backfiring but for what its worth its what I would do.

that and with your daughter, get her a copy of be different or a similar book that may help her to understand better, and hope for the best.

I know I focused on the negative above, but I actually am trying to make this a very positive spin because it explains EVERYTHING about me and all my past behaviors that his side is trying to use. It makes me normal - not a freak (not that I think that people with mental conditions are freaks - that's the spin that has been put on it). Right now, his side is trying to get my medical records (they are actually "legally" allowed to see up to what the judge thinks is relevant to the case - no one is going to care about a cavity I had a few years ago). If they are able to get those little things that they think they can use against me, I want to be able to come back with them. Plus I can guarantee to almost a 95% chance that when it is reveled (and it will be when my atty is ready), his atty is going to try to use it against my negatively. I want to know the negatives so that I can come back with counters to it. This is one of those things that attys usually do and we call expert witnesses for, but I cannot afford to do that. And besides, I am pretty good at locating info. I was just hoping on having help brain storming.

I just want to update.

I said in my Deposition that I have Aspergers. The court now knows. My atty has known since around the time I wrote this thread. The problem?
My stupid psychiatrist refuses to see me (and has for three months) to make the physical change in my records to Aspergers. Right now, because I have not met directly met with him and he has not officially reviewed this, he is refusing to do anything. Why is this important? Because I have something that says I have Borderline that the court has access to. I need something coming from an expert stating that the symptoms of Aspergers can sometimes mimic the symptoms of Borderline. All I need is to give the court an idea that it is POSSIBLE that the psych eval MIGHT be wrong. I have been evaluated for Aspergers and it is said (not by a psychiatrist but by a psychologist) that he believes it is Aspergers. In my youth, it was classic.

I am so angry at my dr. I have been trying to get this info looked at for MONTHS and he refuses to look or see me simply because he feels I only want it changed for court (I was looking for what was wrong with me - Aspergers, Bi-polar or whatever before I went back to court for my kids. This was not originally about court). I am so angry! Because of his stubbornness, there is a higher probability that I may loose my children to an ex who cannot take care of them (but does a good job acting for the court). I am trying so hard to remain calm. I am trying so hard to not cry. I am so angry.

Might need a new doctor. As long as you're not asking him to lie, what difference does it make what your motivations are?

Also, how do you know he can't take care of them? Does he have issues that you know about and, if so, what does your lawyer say about them?

Yes, I am switching doctors. I might have to wait a couple months though. Right now, I live in housing associated with the place the dr works, and I think as long as I live there, I have to be in their other services as well. As for switching to another dr within the same place, I can BUT my dr is the head of all the psychs and he is t he one who decides if I change doctors or not. If I am correct and he is just being stubborn about it because he works with people who manipulate and thinks I am trying to manipulate, he will not allow me to switch. If I do NOT see him, he will refuse to give me any more medication because I am not being complaint with my treatment plan. I have to see him unless either he says otherwise, or if I leave the practice all together. I think the second option is better anyway. There are other things going on that have made me pretty angry and have had me loose much faith in them.

My ex is moving across the country. Even if he COULD take care of them (which the court is starting to see that he isn't doing very well), the younger two would be separated from their older sister with whom they are very attached. My oldest is terrified that she will never see her sisters again Her dad has already said the custody has been determined and she is staying with me while her sisters will be moving.

As for him caring for them, the kids have some serious issues he is ignoring (medical and mental health) and be pretty much abuses my youngest, and I have a witness for this, although she is an 11 year old girl, her mother has heard my middle daughter confess this to her (the adult). I had not yet told me attorney because I did not yet hear this until this evening. There is not enough time to subpena this person, since the court needs 10 days legally for a subpena to be ordered, BUT I am writing my atty tonight and if she thinks it is worth it (and she will) she will have the GAL contact her. This person is the only one who has seen one of my kids behaving exactly how I have been trying to tell the court she has been acting. My daughter hides her behavior from everyone because she thinks she will be in trouble.

Since the day I (regrettably) gave him custody, I have been made out to be the bad guy, and he has played the martyr. The court is just starting to see his behavior and I am hoping it is not too late. When talking to this person this evening, I have discovered that my ex has purgered himself several times during our most two recent court appearances. One court date in June and one just a couple weeks ago. I have to go write a letter to my atty...