job......... anger control.....

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its nice to understand more why ive acted the way i have all of these years. now my automatic feeling is how to control it. i guess im bothered most by my explosions of anger. though they are not frequent they tend to be directed at those who care about me most. i cant seem to find an actual trigger..... i get heated when people dont agree with what ive done, but doesnt everyone? i dont blow up simply bc of things like that.......... erm im rambling.... living alone in mexico now and really cant afford to blow up on my boss. seems like the clock started ticking on it weeks ago tho. does anybody else get that feeling that like once you've thought about saying something a few times u know you're going to say it? i hate that. maybe that has nothing to do with being an aspie though. maybe im not and im making excuses. ahhhhhhh. . . . geez

okay, there is a method of half-quitting, which I have been glad I've done, and I've regretted not doing in other situations.

'I have a family situation. I have going to have to take at least a couple of days off.'

'No, I cannot say what it's about. It is something I have to take care of.'

This is a lie, straight up. And depending on how they've treated you, I think it's an acceptable lie.

This gives you some time and a break and a pause of your own choosing. It's also something you can use a second on third time if necessary. It might also change the dynamics in that they see you are a valued worked. Maybe. Please don't count on this.

And remember, this is half quitting. The job may go away. But this is a card to consider playing and it's better than exploding.

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I also have a lot of anger. My father has a lot of anger, maybe some of it runs in the family.

But really, the way we are treated. The way (some) people think it's okay to treat us shabbily because we're different. And the appalling way even good-hearted bystanders don't stand up. Martin Luther King, Jr. talked about this in reference to civil rights.

I have tried to use some of the tactics of civil rights in standing up for myself. They have not worked. Well, one thing, it makes a huge difference whether it's one person standing up for themselves, or several people as a group, or being backed up as a group. And then, humans are so complicated, myself fully included, that nothing always works.

I have had more luck keeping it simple, and not over-investing myself emotionally, like the above ' . . cannot say what it's about. But it is something I have to take care of,' but keeping it even more simple.

I have also had some success with the zen approach of viewing stuff as texture and not so much as problems.

And sometimes, not always, exercise helps to get my anger out.

I agree with taking a break. At least a couple of days. I had to lie and say I had th flu this weekend because I was so angry I would have lost my job. I also know very well about hurting the ones you care about so if you can't call of work for you do it for them... My fiancé forced me to stay home because she finally can tell when I'm stressed mad or just being a jerk.

thanks for the replies. the treatment.... is tolerable. i just don't even know how to explain it to my boss or his wife. she only speaks spanish, and him.... well he's totally not going to get it. im living down in mexico right now and just struggling to keep anything that will pay me so im kind of at thier mercy. have yet to find anything online and theres not exactly a job fair for americans down here lol. . ill take a few days. go fishing or something...............

You don't go into too much detail about your anger and how it shows, but maybe you are having rage attacks? I have comorbid Tourettes and rage attacks and sometimes I cannot control myself to the point where I damage things and even hurt people. I am only aware of what I have done when I come out of the attack. Prozac seems to have calmed me down a lot but I don't know why... maybe it was more anxiety/depression related! Here's an article on rage for you to read:

http://www.inlightimes.com/archives/2001/01/rage.htm

interestingly enough it mentions something about children who's parents have rage attacks are more likely to have them too. My Dad used to have them a lot when I was a kid.

It is a big deal. I know, I've been there. When things go wrong at work and everyone's blaming you, and you just want to tell them to go to hell...but you cannot lose your temper. No matter how you are being treated, you getting angry will turn everyone against your side in the issue. If someone is on your back, don't raise your voice. Don't interrupt them. Just ride it out, keep breathing, let them say their piece and that may be all they need to be disarmed. I know this sounds dreadfully unfair but, as you said, you are at your boss's mercy. Don't give them ammunition, try to work hard and if the situation gets to too toxic, find a new position and transfer quietly. It could also be worth considering whether your job is suited for whatever your specific needs are. Good luck.

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http://defeatingthedoginthedaytime.blogspot.com/

the trials and tribulations of a girl pretending to be normal

thanks again for the replies

as far as the rage it just builds. my explosions are rare, but bad when they happen. rare like a couple times a year. i guess thats rare compared to many. hard to tell if my dad had rage issues unless he was drinking. i dont always just exploded in rage. sometime my idea of raging out is that im feeling the rage inside but outwardly and firmly venting...if that makes sense. my issue mainly comes when i feel somoeone has violated me in some way, but it derives from many things. when someone or something really gets to me be it standing too close, watching me work, loud loud music, i tend to shut down and go into a stubborn mode of sorts where i dont want to talk to anyone, eat, or anything. just more things i write of to being stubborn and human.

i do my best at work to let people say what they need to say. id bugs the s**t out of me when someone starts helping me with my work though as they alter what ive started and never do it the same as me. also my boss's directives change with the moods of his wife so where on monday something is ok to do, thursday i may get mildly scorned for it. i feel this would be ridiculous to any human at any job. my job is lame, i mean im just in mexico surviving, its no career, ill never have one. tried college at 16. tried it again at 20, and one more time at 26 when i thought i was entering the military. that would have been a huge mistake! anyway so ill take a crappy job, just dont screw with me while i do it i guess is my request. maybe thats too much. too many maybes


part of my blowing up as i said is pretty much a firm vent minus all the yelling. is this normal? am i just controlling it? i know i used to blow up more. still do. still lose a friend here and there along the wya

So you think you're blowing up less? That's something, and you maybe could think about why that is because if you are losing your temper less frequently then you must be doing something right.

In a perfect world, you could do a job that you enjoy and everyone would respect each other and tackle issues constructively. Unfortunately no workplace is perfect, and there are people who love to screw with others, or don't care that their poor work is screwing others over. But when you have a job to do, you simply do not have time to blow up at every incompetant fool in your office If you show you can stay calm in these situations people will respect you for it

_________________
http://defeatingthedoginthedaytime.blogspot.com/

the trials and tribulations of a girl pretending to be normal

I had an instance where I had to do this. I found it extremely stressful to have to tell someone I am physically ill when it seems quite impossible for me to hide the real issue. I can keep from exploding, but I know I can't completely hide my body language when I'm upset or the anger is welling up in me. If nothing else I get very unvocal, terse, and stare off into space more than usual. Maybe I'm just overly paranoid but I hate lying when someone can easily suspect that I'm lying.


Same here. I've had explosive violent anger in the past.


I think there are cases where a limited display of anger is better than either completely blowing up or not showing any anger. I think that, contrary to popular opinion, always being nice and respectful to others doesn't necessarily get others to respect you. You can be too nice - too polite, and crappy people will get comfortable abusing you.

My problem is I may not react at all initially when I should have stood up for myself, yet later on I will start thinking of the situation and what I really wanted to say over and over again to the point where I'm thinking about punching or chocking someone to death. I get into a brooding mood and my rage just builds and builds over hours and I have trouble focusing on anything else. I'll say I've broken things, put holes in walls, even attacked loved ones, because it just keeps getting worse and worse until I feel totally wild with rage and out of control.

It's hard to find balance.


I've found that exercise doesn't really help with my anger. Not enough concentration is required so my mind can still be raging even while I'm working my body to exhaustion. I really have to focus my mind (not just my body) on something else. Forcing myself to do mental arithmetic can help. If you really have to put your thinking cap on it's harder to stay angry. At least that's my experience.

I also have violent fantasies. For example, I sometimes imagine I'm a mafiosa don. Somebody goes out of their way to give me a hard time at work, or a manager is passive when they should do something about it. Fine, I'll have some of my boys take them to a warehouse and we can then discuss how big a deal violence is or how big a deal bullying is, and discuss it at some length. I am not proud of these fantasies. But there it is.

I have had some luck running one behind the curve, where I take a medium step one late.

And ome luck not investing that much in a job. I don't fake it. I really don't invest that much in a job.

At times, some luck with the zen trick of turning a coin over and finding something humorous rather than infuriating. A mafia guy might admire the spunk of someone and find it humorous. Or, what if I had an uncle who was in the mob and said to me, '___________, I know how much you put into a job. So when some idiot goes out of his way to mistreat you just to get his jollies, boy, I sure would like to set him straight. Let me do that for you. Out of respect, please let me do that for you. I'm not talking about killing the guy, I'm not even talking about even putting him in the hospital. Let me just have a couple of my boys touch him up a little. Please let me do that for you.'

You see, I'm then letting it go from conscious choice, not merely because I don't have any other choice.

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At okay department store, this guy was talking some crap how maybe I didn't have what it took for the job and he kept going on. I got angry. I didn't say anything. He left. It later occurred to me he's trying to run off new people. I got him. That's enough of a peg point. I can just say that and I don't need to overexplain. Next time, he walked past me when there weren't customers, I said, "We need to talk. You were out of line. It's not your job to be running off new associates. And the managers need to know. . . " He was sincerely apologetic. He complimented me on my bravery. I wasn't bluffing. I really was going to talk to a manager. But it worked so well, I decided I didn't need to do anything else. And in honestly, one reason it worked so well was that Ann, one of the better managers, was just out of earshot and in a sense was present without being present.

At crapola dept store, I tried this and it didn't work. The guy was a bully with a lot of simmering anger. The manager was a new, ineffectual manager. And that was pretty much it.

It's not always possible but find an instance in your life when you felt the calmest... When you feel your attitude changing try and focus on the calm time. Really try to feel it...mine is personal but I'll share... Growing up I hung out with for lack of a better word drug dealers and low lifes. Most of them had serious tempers and if I let my macho gaurd down they would push you around. Anyway as a result of nessity I learned to get in this tough guy mind set and in this mind set I was super confident. It's like my social shield when I'm getting stressed I let my tough guy attitude deal with it while I let my mind rest. It's like faking but different. Whatever your comfort zone is start looking for it...sorry if I ramble.

So, maybe a set of skills, turning your internal censor down, and then watching yourself as you do it?