Newbie here....PLZ HELP, I NEED ANSWERS

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I'm looking for some answers if someone could give me feedback.
My son is now 8, I started suspecting AS when he was 3 yrs old. I will give a short version timeline....15 mo old he banged his head on the floor when angry, at 1.5-2 he gouged his face when frustrated and angry, at 3-4 he destroyed his room when put in timeouts. Since the age of 1 he "humped" the bed to fall asleep (still does it). Has always been a picky eater and had extensive food allergies as an infant along with GERD. As he has gotten older the rages of anger have worsened as he is bigger and stronger. I can usually sense a meltdown brewing in him as he is very irritable and edgy, almost like a chip on his shoulder. I have been kicked, my hair pulled, bit, spit on, scratched, hit, slapped when I put him in a therapy hold as he is completely out of control. He has put holes in my walls, broke doors, throws whatever he gets his hands on. I can feel him finally release from these rages which last anywhere from 10 min to 2 hrs followed by exhaustion. When i try and talk to him after these fits of rage, he refuses to keep eye contact with me and cant express how he is feeling, he also never apologizes for what he does and has no empathy. He is not only violent with me but his siblings as well, has difficulty making and keeping friends and following rules. He is extremely hyper happy or edgy, seldom a medium unless he's fixated on legos or cars. I have had 1 psychologist come to my home last summer, after 2 hrs of observation she gave me a provisional diagnosis of AS and possible ADHD, pending an IQ TEST which was done, academically he scored average however he does have auditory processing disorder and they found him to be clinically significant in perfectionism, they also tested his social skills and failed every area. His cognitive learning patterns were shady as well. The school felt as if he didn't need an IEP being academically he was normal range. My question is....where do I go from here? Does he sound as if he has AS and where do I find the help??? My family can't go on anymore like this, I have 4 other children in my home that are being affected by this. I have private health insurance however they do not cover mental or behavioral health. I cannot afford the medical being I'm a single mother of 5. Any input or resources would be extremely appreciated.

i heard if you have an underage kid with asperger syndrom you can get money from the government. check it out. and maybe some other help for free beside that. i'm not sure. might want to talk to a lawyer, though.
about the rage attacks. i've had those, but not to that extent and not often. now, what helped me may or may not work on someone else and it's probably a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist before you try it and make sure it won't make it worset, but here's what worked for me. i took kickboxing and the instructor said when you stop hitting and kicking the bag when he said to stop, then you control your rage. i've got better self control since then. maybe if you ask him to hit/kick the bag as hard as he can and get angry while doing it and build the rage, and then stop cold turkey when being told... i'm not a psychiatrist and i'm not sure about this. just a thought. and you really need professional advice before you try that.
i don't know if it sounds like asperger syndrom but if he was diagnosed... does he rock, like walking on his toes, has ocd, stomach achs, communicate better with animals than humans, loves music, can see the small details but not the big picture, has problems with self expression, remembering faces? you said he scored average academically on his iq test? aspies are usually smarter than average.
this sounds really tough, especially since you're a single mother of five on top of it all and have financial problems. i wish you luck.

Thank you for your reply, he doesn't rock back and forth however when he brewing up to a meltdown he will often lay on the floor, moan and open and shut a drawer for example with the same rhythm for at least 15 minutes. He also has supersonic hearing which I have noticed recently as he has had trouble falling asleep due to hearing a click ticking on the opposite wall of his bedroom, I cant hear a thing but he swears he can. He does have OCD with certain things. School projects are a huge disaster since it has to be just so, if they aren't perfect no matter how much u try to help him he has a meltdown. He also can't handle last minute errands, it throws him for a loop. I don't know how long a diagnosis usually takes and what they look for, that's why I have been trying to get another opinion by a different psychologist. But again, I am constantly hitting block walls when I think I'm actually seeing an open door.

You can try using the CPS method, by Dr. Ross Greene, for behavior. I find it fantastic, and love the free help via his radio program. Parents can call in or text or email. He answers all questions. The program is live on Blog Talk Radio and search for dr-ross-greene. It runs during the school year and starts up again on Sept. 13 at 9am MT. You can also go there now to listen to past episodes.

Doesn't need an IEP because he's academically normal-range? My butt. I'm academically a whiz kid and I had to be home-schooled half the time. In college, I'm still one of the most intensively supported students at my school, and we've got quadriplegics rolling around the campus. I mean, jeez. If the school says "oh, he's too smart to need help," then kick them in the butt and get him some help. If he's anything like me, a big noisy classroom will freak him out and he won't be able to learn well no matter how smart he is.

Regarding restraining a child during meltdowns: I don't know if you know this, but restraining a kid will often prolong the meltdown. When I was little my parents used to pretty much sit on me, and I'd panic and scream until I was too physically exhausted to struggle anymore. Nowadays, when I'm that overloaded I will go somewhere private, probably lie on the floor and wrap myself in a blanket. Human contact, especially such forceful contact as you get when someone is holding you down, is just too much. It makes your brain blue-screen. See if you can figure out when he's getting overloaded, and get him someplace quiet and probably dark, comfortable, etc., so he can calm down. He probably doesn't want attention when that happens--especially since he's got auditory processing disorder, so if you talk to him his brain has to work even harder to figure out what you said.

Yeah, I'd look into autism evaluation. The kid's got lots of autistic traits and is having enough trouble to warrant an eval--good enough reason to look into it, any day.

What about the other symptoms of Aspergers? Does he have those? A diagnosis cannot be made in 2 hours, and should not be dependent upon an IQ test (I definitely have an official diagnosis, and I have never taken an IQ test). There is no listing of anger and violence in the criteria for Aspergers. Some people do have anger issues (just as some NTs do), but that should not be THE indicator for AS. It should be the actual diagnostic criteria used. I did have meltdowns, but I never destroyed things or was physically violent to anyone in my life. I also didn't hump my bed to fall asleep. These are not direct criteria of an ASD.

I am not saying he does not have an ASD, just that you have left out the more important symptoms. Have you looked into RAD? The documentary I seen was about a girl who not only masturbated frequently (which would be the humping thing) but also was very violent and full of range. Perhaps your son has this. Or perhaps not. Just saying that perhaps some other things should be explored as well before settling on AS.

I think the rages stem from his lack of controlling his emotions. It's almost as if he has stepped out of his own skin. I try to teach him to take a breather and go to his room, a closet etc to calm down before it escalates to the storm, 4 out of 10 times he will do this but he is still edgy all day. If I don't do a therapy hold when he out of his own control, he will hurt me, his siblings, himself and/or destroy my house. It's definitely a struggle to hold him. It has taken 2 grown adults to calm him down at times and that was even unsuccessful. The psychologist I had out here observed how he interacted with his siblings, saying he is very immature socially, had him draw pictures and took an intake from me on his milestones from infancy on up. I also want to add that he is somewhat controlled with his behavior UNLESS he is in full meltdown mode. He pretty much keeps it together at school unless he is bothered by someone coming into his space at school when coloring or building legos, but even at that he doesn't nearly show the outbursts at school as he does at home. He also isn't like this at his dads house. Now I have read that it's not uncommon to hold it together all day at school then release when he gets home being that's his comfort home, this would also explain why he doesn't exhibit this behavior at dads being he only is there every other weekend. I was told it can be environmental.

I also want to add that every game he plays with other kids, especially his siblings is pretty much his way only, he makes the rules, he calls the shots and if it's not his way then he gets mean and kicks people out of the room or quits. He can do something like hit someone and he will get defensive when confronted and straight out lie to me and accuse me of lying, like it's a conspiracy against him. In the social testing at school he answered social problem solving but his answers revolved around HIS best interest and/or what was benefiting HIM. Sorry to make this so lengthy, just trying to give as much info as possible.

(Gosh, I took ages to write this.) Do you think you can make use of a "safety word" or another safety signal to thwart some of his meltdowns? It's usually requires consistent training/use.

Those outbursts that involve a considerable amount of anger and frustration on your son's part and may involve annoyance and frustration from peers, siblings and even adults may be thwarted by the use of such a signal. Parent and child agree on a codeword that when used in an argument or during a "heated exchange of words" of whatever nature means they have to both leave the room (separate in some way) for 5-15 minutes.

Naturally, this is a preferable method for arguments to stop them turning into more ugly scenarios such as meltdowns. Verbal instructions and the ability to even remember to use a codeword to afterwards calm down by yourself doesn't usually work for full-blown meltdowns or when an outburst is beyond the beginning stage of a heated exchange.

Anyways, my point is, there's nothing as pointless as talking it out with an ADHD kid that will has he potential to self-injure, jump at your throat or trash the place. Depending on the set of autistic behaviours that applies to autistic kids as well.

If you didn't sleep too well, half your mind is still on a conflict with a classmate at school, you felt miserable about getting an exercise wrong, there was an unexpected (could be totally "meaningless" such as road works or getting bumped into by accident) situation on your way home, you experienced this annoying sensory discomfort such as loud noises or a scratchy tag of your shirt all day now and when you enter your house in the afternoon you're on the edge and ready to go to sleep. Which you won't, because you're on the edge, will have to do homework, will want to play, hate going to bed anyway and there are another hundred annoyances and discomforts and stressors that totally tear you apart mentally/emotionally. Something of this fits your son a little?

Kids with ADHD or autism can have difficulties sorting things out as quickly as others, can have difficulties processing the words and feel overwhelmed by them, can experience difficulties figuring out the realistic consequences of what will happen/what they're allowed to do or not allowed to do, can have great difficulties sorting things out when they're emotional, can impulsively go with the first thing that comes to their mind (which might be total opposition, an outburst, withdrawal, nit-picking, sadness, so on).

Trying to forcefully make the kid settle down or telling of a decision (that the kid won't take well) during moments when parent and child are emotional, exhausted, stressed - anything but calm - often goes wrong. Deciding on how things should be to save time, in hope to avoid a tantrum or because one really, really needs a break from all this right now are often set up for failure and backfire.

So what can you do and what can you hope to achieve if things go out of control? Nothing much, sadly, it's all about damage control but that damage control needs to be well-chosen to not make things worse (every day). It's about leading the outburst not to get worse.

Ask yourself for how long you will be able to physically restrain your son. That answers how effective this method is long-term but I'm sure you're not particularly happy about the whole thing anyway.

On a side note, I'd imagine your son calms down at some point. If your son has sensory problems touching/holding, physical closeness can always or at times add to the overload ("too much to take calmly") that led to the meltdown until complete albeit merely temporary exhaustion finally takes over and it all doesn't matter anymore, including whatever originally set off the meltdown.

The more complicated the overall situation is, the more methods (but never too many at once) are necessary to be used in different situations. I'm sure you son has different outbursts, they don't all get triggered by the same reasons, they don't all begin to show the same even while by now, you're all so used to frequent meltdowns that things sometimes feel they "always more or less end up the same way" for your family.

Ultimately, you'll all want to prevent you all ending up with aggressive, violent outbursts in the first place.

Some of them might be redirected before your son gets more upset and blows up, others will occur but you got to figure out a way to avoid to escalate the situation further while being able to make sure your son doesn't hurt himself and doesn't hurt others. That's lots of anger management.

I'd like to point out though that besides anger management, it's of utmost importance you and your son as well as those specialists, therapists and the school involved identify stressors and triggers. I realise that's easier said than done but from what you wrote about your son, he sounds as if he's

Of course peers will still try to push his buttons if they do now and he will get upset about it - who wouldn't. And there are many sensory stimuli and it can be difficult and time-consuming to identity just some of those that cause discomfort to your son. (Well, besides that clock, I'm sure you already figured or are able to come up with more sounds, tactile discomforts, tastes, smells that cause your son some distress...)

If he's bothered by changes and unexpected situations it takes time to recognise just how many unexpected changes (normal people's don't notice immediately) there are every day. Similarly, it takes time to learn to avoid those that you can foresee and to learn how to prepare your son for them. And besides all the things you have to keep in mind and the things you'll have to figure out, it's as important your son gets involved in this process.

So better take it slow, no way a single person can keep in mind all of it at once and do it!

And it's not exactly easy either to suddenly always keep in mind that (if a kid has language difficulties, an attention deficit or auditory processing difficulties) you should speak slowly, ask your kid for confirmation about that he understood often or even ask him to repeat back what you said to make sure he actually listened or was able to listen to you. If he has APD you

Or to remember to not impulsively say things such as "gosh, would you please not do this again? do you never learn better?" because I have yet to happen to meet a human being who can manage that 24/7 or who won't accidentally say things like that in an argument.

It takes a considerable effort to do all these things, but just knowing that most kids with ADHD (and autism) really are sensitive to negative feedback that others their age don't take as seriously and certainly won't blow up about can be truly helpful.

I'm not sure if this is an issue for you, but lots of kids with impulse-control deficits, auditory processing issues or language difficulties impulsively react when they're told "You can't do this now because-" at which point some can't make themselves listen anymore. They have trouble listening to and processing the explanation (because they react impulsively or they're used to "overhearing" many things due to processing deficits).

So even when you actually planned to say "You can't do this now because I have to wash the dishes first. I promise that we will play right after that." your suggestion and the fact that he gets to do it anyway might be as effective as trying to get through a brick will.

Phrasing it more like "We will play right now and you should set up the game now. I'll just have to finish washing these dishes and then we will play a game." can avoid such tiring disasters.

That goes for "It doesn't work this way, you need to do it like this and you'll get it to work..." or "No, that's wrong, it's like this..." too and especially for "Don't be so loud/don't jump on the table/don't be this rude/don't stand there/don't pull my hair/..."

What to do instead? Be precise and to the point about it. A kid can't know what to do and if he or she does know they forget way often. (Assuming they're not simply oppositional or both forgetful/distractable and oppositional.)

Why do it - keeping it really really short and to the point, because kids with auditory processing issues, ADHD or autism don't get much out of other people's monologues besides boredom, frustration and successfully receiving negative attention (which they never enjoy but sometimes they can't avoid it and be "smarter/more mature than that"). Besides, it's exhausting for a parent to have to go into so many long-winded explanations.

Of course, if it's raining outside, it's raining and the kid won't get to soak in the mud for fun. There are rules and instructions that will always sound negative with good reason.

There are many possibilities to try to manage behaviours and learn to life together in a more harmonious way. Don't allow others to tell you there are not! You got all this insight already, I think you're doing really good.

Just continue to look into and research ways to help your son, ways to manage his behaviour and support him, ways to adjust how you perceive him and what he does and how you react to it. Avoid stuff that looks like mysterious "this disorder/behaviour follows no rules and is impossible to understand at all" or stuff like "parents can't understand this, just specialist/therapists can". We all work similar, some of us just in the less typical ways or in typical ways taken to extremes.

Whew! That was a long thread yet very informative. You definitely deceived my son very well with the being poked and probed at school all day. Ex: last year I helped a friend and watched her son who was in the same class as mine after school, the minute we got in the car my son was extremely irritable, when I got him to open up to me and tell me why he was having such a hard day, his response was that this other child was getting on his nerves all day. Towards the end of the school yr my son was getting very rude with this child and I opted out to watch him again the following school yr. I can tell you the minute my son walks in the door after school the first thing he does is strip off his clothes. Usually the shoes and socks come off before he even gets home. Looking back as an infant, he hated shoes and socks on, he would scream bloody murder until they were taken off.

I have learned over time, everything is on his terms and it's all cause and effect. It has and continues to be a learning process not only for him but the entire family. I am learning to approach him differently, more calm, when he is in trouble. It's a daily concuous effort but I am trying to put myself in his head to relate better and not get so frustrated. Not dismissing how exhausting it is either, mentally and emotionally. The anger outbursts is what's challenging my own sanity, as well as my other children. It's much more than what I can handle at this point, realistically. I truly need a true diagnosis before I know what direction to turn. Whether it be AS or some other type of mood disorder, the worst is not knowing. I have just applied for medi-cal for him and am awaiting approval. I am also going to ask for another assessment thru the school district due to him bring in another district now and they may be more helpful than the last.

Is he good at reading? Use that, because then you can get around the auditory processing thing by communicating in writing. I don't know if he's anything like me, but if he is, then it is just SO much easier to read something than try to catch it while you're listening to it. Having a written-down list of instructions is absolutely wonderfully helpful for me. I make my own, now. They're posted all around my apartment. Right now, for example, there's a big note in green marker reminding me to get the mail...

If he's not good at reading, picture schedules help too. The point is that you can use something visual, something that he doesn't have to try to catch out of the air and try to understand before it's gone.

My son has difficulty reading, very delayed for his grade level including him being held bac a year. He can read and read it but not comprehend it. His accelerated area is math. Quick at it and good at it, and an amazing artist. He is very creative as well. He can almost build anything out of nothing. Puts me in amazement, especially because he has been that way since old enough to talk.

Visual-spatial... hmm. Okay, picture schedules. Charts. Things with organization he can see. Not too heavy on the words if that's not his thing. Are you a visual-spatial type learner yourself? If so, that'd be great. Ideally, you can teach him to do his own.

One thing I've seen done--special ed classrooms mostly--is to have a photo of the clock at a certain time, and then a photo of the activity. Doesn't have to be a photo--can be a symbol--but the point is to have the time, and then the activity, connected because they're right next to each other. You laminate the pictures and put sticky tack on the back of them, so you can move them when you like.

Why schedules? Because they give you warning before things change. Autism makes it much harder to deal with transitions--transitions are one of my major issues, and always have been--and one of the ways to help is to make sure that he expects things to happen before they happen. BTW, "knowing" is not the same thing as "having been told at some point". The kind of knowledge I'm talking about is more conscious awareness than the simple ability to dredge the information up from your brain if you're asked. Actually being aware of the upcoming change and how it will proceed makes it much easier.

Going from one thing to another unexpectedly can have mental fallout that is much like being picked up and thrown into a tub of cold water. Your entire brain just goes on high alert and you freeze or freak out or whatever. Whereas, if you are warned, it is more like rolling up your pants legs and wading in little by little. Schedules are good for that, and for visual people, schedules with obvious visual organization are best. As he learns to read more effectively, words will do; but for now, maybe pictures with the word beneath would be better.