was it ok to say what I did?

Post Reply New Topic

I just had a hard situation to handle it was hard to know what to say see this girl i knew as a kid her mum is sick and going to die very soon she asked me if i wanted to go to the funeral i told her that i would be honest i didnt have great memories of her mum i dont think she liked me much it was the truth i didnt really know what else to say. Lara (thats her name) her mum wasn't very nice to me as a kid
but i did also say that i was thinking of her at this difficult time.

Lara herself has issues she knows what im talking about
and the other thigns is im not really friends with Lara anymore sure we talk on facebook but thats all. i did write to say im sorry if i caused offence by being so honest and that im thinking of her at this difficult time. I do feel a little bad now thinknig maybe I said the wrong thing but it was hard given the time lapse of being friends with Lars, being aspie, my memories of her mum etc. Was it ok to say what I did?

You were honest with her. If she truely understands you, she won't mind that you said that.

Thats a difficult situation. On one hand I would look to the social rule book and say that what you said was rude, but on the other hand (and the one I choose more frequently), I would look to my own mind and be honest. I think what is important is that you have not actually said anything offensive in the sense of calling her Mum names, but you have been honest that you think SHE didn't like YOU.

I don't know what to say other than that. Sorry.

I dont think she will take offence no in fact one issue I had with the whole thing was because of the issues she had with her mum was I didn't know how she was actually feeling. She says she has sorted things out in her head im glad for her for that, coz when her mum does die she can be at peace with that. No I wouldn't call her mum names or anything that wouldn't achieve anything at all im surei n some ways she was a nice lady I just dont really remember that.

I would have just gone along to it. Who cares if you didn't like her?

I think everything depends on how you said it. It could easily have gone wrong but only you can be the judge of that. Unless you want to bring it up again and ask her directly.

I am wondering why she asked you to attend the funeral at all if you weren't close friends.


I'd be careful being honest all the time. You don't necessarily have to lie outright if you don't want to but you can keep things to yourself when it comes to a potentially sensitive issue.

The apology may not have been necessary depending on how the conversation went but it can't hurt. Worst case scenario she thinks you're a bit of an as*hole. Don't worry about it.

That wasn't the best thing to say but now you've said it just forget it. The NT method would have been to show more sympathy and say yes you could go but then not turn up and make an excuse if asked. It's always a good idea to keep negative opinions to oneself especially in more sensitive situations.

Shes aware I have Asperger's so no i dont think she will think im an a***hole but none the less yes in hindsight it might have been better to have gone along with it. Its just in those type situations my AS means I dont know how to handle it.

See now, I think that's ridiculous... To suggest that it's rude to be honest. If you don't want to do something, just say so. If you say you really do what to when you don't, then you show up and act miserable, or you don't show up at all and make an excuse or just say "well I really didn't want to go," you're setting someone up for disappointment. They're going to expect you to show, and then you won't. That, I feel causes much more damage, but maybe it's just because I expect people to tell the goddamn truth... The ones trying to be "polite" by bullshitting and making themselves appear to give a s**t when they don't are the ones being "rude." Screw these ret*d social rules.

I would never recommend lying. But instead of bluntly saying that you have no good memories of her dying mother, you could have been a bit more vague. You could tell her you are really sorry about what she is going through right now, that you appreciate the invite, but are not sure if you will be able to make it--you would need to think about it. You are not good friends now; you owe her know further explanation. When the funeral comes, you could decide not to go, or you could decide to go. Either way you hadn't made any promises.

Yes, this.


If you were still good friends with her, then it would be important to go, to offer your friend support. I've attended funerals of people whom I didn't even know, or didn't have good memories of...just to offer my support and sympathy to a friend who DID have a relationship with the person who died. But if you're not good friends with her anymore, then it's okay not to go. I am wondering, however, why she wanted you there if she you guys only keep in touch on Facebook. Is it possible she feels like the two of you have more of a friendship then you do? It was good that you clarified your initial reaction to her. I'm sure she understands.

Well yes, what you suggested is fine, but I run into the problem of being told I'm rude simply for being honest, no matter HOW softly I try to put it to the person, and the general implication I receive from "normal" people is that lying is better. I say it's ten times worse, especially if you're gonna tell them you WILL be there just to make them feel better in the moment. All that does is set people up to feel even worse in the end. How is that "polite?" It makes no sense to me.

In future I might have handled things a little different but like I said given all thr above factors tit was hard

There are ways to do it. You don't have to say 'sorry I didn't like your mom'. I never said show up and be miserable and I never said anything about not turning up. You're too caught up in honesty. Honesty hurts sometimes.

Personally I would go. I wouldn't give a s**t about the person if I didn't like them. There's nothing I can do about that. But if the friend needs support I'll go. That's all there is. Calm down.

I have offered to go we shall see what Lara says

^

Should have stopped at the apology catster.

So here's what has happened so far yes?

1. She invites you. You decline.
2. You start apologising when perhaps you didn't even need to IF she understood completely the first time.
3. Completely changed your mind and offered to go.

I recommend that if she says yes, when you meet up on the day say something like 'sorry about all the confusion, I just want to be here to support you', or some such. To be honest I think she may find it a little strange that you're changing your mind so regularly. I don't know, what do other people think?

I'm curious, what did she say when you tried to apologise to her?

On a side note, I just noticed that you said she knows you have Asperger's. Do you think people treat you differently when you tell them?

I never tell people I have it. I can only see it getting in the way.

I would have just went along with it.