I enjoy being mentally ill!

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I'm laying on the floor of my sitting room at 3 AM, the lights are off and it's pitch black, obsessive thoughts involving Post Traumatic Stress disorder and OCD like symptoms flood my mind. I'm stimming. I'm totally dissociated and there are butterflys in my stomach, my thoughts turn to the fact that I have not had an IRL friend in 10 years and I have not spoken to a girl my own age in 5 years. I have back pains and cramps from being underweight and possibly having an eating disorder of some sort, I am erratic - often laughing manically at nothing - laughing just to keep from crying. I fear for my sanity and fear leaving the house, I play the same peice on the piano again and again.. "Rosie Darko" in G minor.

And I think to myself; this is sort of Neat..this is great, I'm suffering, but it's like purgatory, I like this. These are mental states few people experience, and fewer still live like this for as long as I have - isn't that sort of cool?

So I'm in agony, and I'm enjoying it.

Maybe that's the most bizzare thing about me

And you? Do you enjoy it? I mean..nothings worse then being ordinary right?

I'm not mentally ill. All the as*holes around me are.

The person who made this thread is so weird, he probably watches ponies judging by his avatar, he is not normal. he isn't like other people..... and is so awesome!! !

Uh,maybe.

My favorite part is the stereotypes!

I've been this way since I was at least ten, possibly earlier.

I love it so much I'm willing to take any medication and try any therapy to make it stop.

Oh, and I agree about the stereotyping--and feeling like I'm under a microscope.

My understanding of this thread is at about 0%. Is this sarcasm?

I think Makayla and Lucy were being sarcastic. I'm not sure about BottleCap.

Hehe. You are amazing.
Yes, nothing is worse than being ordinary.
I love having my OCD, feel I am going insane, intensive stimming moments. It reminds me no matter how bored I get with the world outside, I still can go insane on my own. (In a good way)

Well... I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the right word for it. But I kind of get it. Understanding that your brain is different, and facing right up to it instead of trying to mimic the typical, does kind of affirm your identity. Like you're saying to yourself: I'm me. I exist. This is my life. Instead of going around worrying about how other people see you and how you ought to be, it's nice sometimes to just look at yourself with all the flaws and all the bits that are odd or that don't work right, and see yourself for what you are, without always being overshadowed by the "ought to be"s.

Sounds to me like the OP, Phonic, is enjoying a mind-altering state of consciousness. Threads like this remind me of the movie Altered States.

I would love being a molten plasma lava blob!

It is not the autism that bothers me (which isn't a mental illness anyway), it is the depression that has plagued since I was about 8 years old. And I HATE every single second of it! Not even for a split second have I ever enjoyed suffering this severely for the last 20 years, hating myself so much that I have prayed over and over again to die. I've had the eating disorders as well, and I hate having to suffer from those too. I would not wish my existance on my worst enemy!

I remember that movie.

Executive dysfunction is like peyote. There are moments (many, btw) that I experience in this narrow (and deeper) bandwidth of consciousness that enable me to de-hallucinogen reality, by a natural breaking down of the cultural paradigm, 'breaking' the 'feel' of influence.

How about someone who bullies you because of it? Would you get them to feel what you feel so that they understand and stop bullying?

Nope. I wouldn't wish my suffering on anyone.

That never even occurred to me when I was bullied. I just directed any hurt feelings toward myself--I deserved to be tortured because I was me. I always felt that way...guess that is what self-hatred does to a person.