Marriage

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Hi there, I have a 7yr old son with aspergers, but I am wondering whether my husband might be also on the spectrum? My husband is a very lovely person, and is very helpful and practical around the house. However, we have an issue which constantly rears its head. He seems unable to display any affection to me or to share any emotional feelings. I have to literally 'dig' information out of him. He never hugs me, holds my hand or says he loves me even though I know he does. He rarely asks how I'm feeling or seems interested unless I break down and cry, but then he never really gets why I'm upset. Sometimes I feel he is very insensitive. For example I had a baby scan at hospital last week. He was not able to attend but I reminded him in the morning that I was going. He didn't call or text me during the day or ask me about it when he got home. He says he does care but he forgot - I find it hard how you could forget something like that! (He is a great father to our other children). These sort of instances happen regularly. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I love him dearly but the lack of affection/emotion is hard to cope with. Thanks!

It sounds to me like very standard behaviour for a husband with Asperger's. There are a number of books you could read for more help:

Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" has a whole chapter about Asperger's and marriage. This book would also be relevant to understanding your son.

Rudy Simone's "22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome" sounds pretty relevant too. It might even be the place to start. Rudy has Asperger's herself, was diagnosed as an adult, and can sort of bridge the gap between Aspie husbands and non-Aspie wives. She is a jazz singer and comedienne as well as a writer and speaker about Asperger's and autism.

At the risk of sounding like an insensitive jerk, (I am really not trying to be.) are you expectations of all this affection a bit much. Also do you explain why you are upset with him or is he supposed to guess? Maybe it never occurred to him to constantly announce his love for you when the both of you understood this was implicit. Also wouldn't it be assumed that you okay unless something is happening. Why would you want the constant queries of "how do you feel"? When you have to "dig" information out--is this due to evasiveness or are you asking questions that are not explicit enough.

Anyway, my point is there are two sides to this. What does he say?

Thanks One-a-n for replying. I do have the Tony Attwood book so I will take a look at that chapter on marriage and check out the other book you suggested.

jackbus01 - no I don't think that you're an insensitive jerk I think I don't ask for lots of affection, just a little bit would be nice! I guess Aspies brains are wired their way, NT brains are wired a different way. From an NT perspective, expressions of love and affection are important, they help us feel closer to our partner. They add a warmth to daily life. A marriage without affection is like bread without butter, yes you can still eat it but it doesn't taste nice and it doesn't make you happy. The added issue is that I don't have family nearby, my mother is deceased so I can feel lonely. I appreciate this places an extra burden on him. Sometimes we just feel like house-mates rather than husband/wife! I'd like to share my day with him, and I'd like him to be interested in what I'm doing. He doesn't say a great deal other than he doesn't mean to be insensitive, but he can't change the way he is.
When I 'dig' information out it's because I'd like to have a mutual conversation with him. It feels too one-sided. He thinks I'm too needy and I think he's too closed. It's not a great mix and I don't know if / how we can improve things.

That sounded like you wrote about me in your OP.

I don't have a good frame of reference. Is it possible to be emotionally satisfied in a marriage?

My parents care about each other but I never realized (until I was in my 20s) that they were not emotionally intimate. They really did and do act a lot like housemates. They are married and neither believes in divorce.
My grandparents have been married for a long time but they act like they hate each other.
My sister is divorced after mental health issues.
A close aspie friend has been married for about 10 years--but it has been causing him nothing but misery (at least in the last 10 years)
Other friends I have do not want to give up their independence (in their 20s) and therefore stay single.

For me personally I don't want to share my life with someone constantly everyday. A couple hours a week with close friends and parents and the rest of the time I want to be alone. I don't feel I am missing anything. My sister's kids can be very overwhelming to me (they are well behaved). I am asexual, so there is no desire to have a sexual relationship with others.

Marriage--I really don't understand it (and yes I'm 39). That level of intimacy required would drive me crazy.

Is marriage counseling helpful?

Just wanted to throw this in there - yes, it's very possible your husband has Asperger's, but please don't assume it. We can't diagnose him, it's possible he's just unaffectionate.

Good luck with everything.

It sounds like me. I love my wife and my children, but I do not remember to be affectionate and to say affectionate things. I do not usually ask about moods - if I can see what the mood is, then I don't feel the need to ask about it; but more likely I do not see the mood.

I have tried asking about how my wife feels (after this issue came up with my support worker), but it came across as so deliberate that she felt like I was making fun of her.

On the upside, we have been happily married more than 25 years.

He sounds pretty aspie to me. If I were in his situation, I would also be confused about your dissatisfaction. I would probably reason something like "the doctors know what they're doing I'm not sure what my presence would accomplish." I will hear how it went when I get home and if something was wrong, I'm sure I'd be informed. Many of us aspies don't see the need for communication unless there is some particular purpose to the interaction. Simply asking "how did it go" is not something we are inclined to do. We can train ourselves to ask such questions as a matter of courtesy and it will become a part of our routine. I do this, but aside from the routine times when I have trained myself to ask the question, it often escapes my notice. It is important to remember that aspies will not pick up on social and emotional cues like body language or facial expressions or things of social significance. If you want to communicate something to an aspie, it's best to just say it in words.

Getting him to express himself emotionally will be a battle, and may not be one worth fighting. If he's aspie, he will probably communicate emotion in some way other than direct expression, or he will state it outright in simplest terms as if he were reading it out of the phone book.

Oddly enough, I had two plain bread rolls for lunch today, without any butter or fillings of any kind. I eat that about three days a week every week, and I do like it. Nice fresh wholemeal bread rolls, still warm from the baker's oven. And a mug of black coffee (no milk, no sugar).

So funnily enough, your analogy didn't work with me the way you meant. I like bread without butter.

way off on a tangent but the analogy didn't work for me either, I don't like butter either. I like my bread toasted dry. I am actually eating a dry toasted bagel right now. I like the dry crunchy texture and I like the taste.

Now that this thread is hopelessly derailed...

Meh, I agree with the analogy and hates it at the same time. I like bread with butter, it's just that reading this made enormously hungry and I can't find butter anywhere here. Damn it. *imagines toast with butter*.

Back on topic, your marriage sound awful. I am AS and I would never ever do that to my wife. AS are firstly people therefore everyone is different. Even if your husband cares nothing about your marriage, or at least doesn't show that he cares, you should have a serious talk with him explaining him what he did wrong (and yes although his AS what he's done is terribly wrong IMO), if needed he could take social skill classes or read books about it or w/e. I mean you're married. No holding hands no nothing? is he SUPER shy? if so you should grab his hand and hold it... but the buttom line is - is there mutual love and understanding between you two.

Mattsmum, are you the other me in another parallel space?
There was this time when I had an exam and I made all the arrangement (cooked dinner, after school snack, games after dinner). All he had to do was to pick up our child from school at the usual home time. He rang me 5 mins before my exam and told me he couldn't be there and I was 25 miles away from home! Yes, my husband is very forgetful and very poor in planing and sticking to a schedule.
Another incident when he practiced drums in the front room where I was revising for my exam. He said sorry when I pointed out but I couldn't help but wondered how could he possibly forget I was revising in the same room?! (I was there before him and told him before I started)



I couldn't agree more of the quote above There's no better way to put it

As you read my other thread, I think we share very similar feelings however, we're on very different position. One thing about improving things is that we have to be a bit more explicit about what we want and how we want it. You are more likely to get a positive response.
I have never met you but I feel that I know you.
Sending you love and wish you can always laugh and find love wherever you are x