Small talk and making conversation.

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I'm terrible when it comes to knowing what to say and in the right situations. I don't for the life of me know how to console someone who's going through a tough time. I just don't know what to say. What do they want to hear in those situations?

Another uncomfortable issue is small talk. What do people like to talk about when they have nothing to talk about? How do I keep the conversation flowing? It usually evolves to me just asking a string of questions and people answering, making for some really awkward and somewhat one-sided conversation. It seems either I lead the conversation or don't get a word in at all.

What about you? Do you have similar problems and how do you get over them?

I'm not bad with consoling someone if I know them well. However, if I have to deal with a casual acquaintance or new friend who is going through a painful situation, it becomes more complicated. For instance, last year I met an online friend for the first time who had just lost a very close friend to cancer. We were having brunch and she began discussing this person..well, she broke down in tears! I was a little taken back on how to respond. Obviously I'm not going to get up from my chair and throw my arms around her -- not appropriate. So I have to reason what is the right response, given out level of friendship. I reached, touched her arm, and told her I was sorry she was going through this. Still, I felt awkward doing it. She seemed very appreciative of the gesture, though, which made me feel good. Yeah, it's tough dealing with these situations.

On the subject of small talk, I'm getting the point where I view it as a laborious chore that is unavoidable. At this point in my life I'm quite adept at it, but I hate it.

"Oh, it looks like it's going to get really hot next week!"

"Yeah, but it's July,so..."

"Before you know it, fall will be here."

"Sure, and then winter isn't far behind. We'll miss the hot days then, won't we?"

*Laughter ensues*

Making small talk is just so exhausting!

Other than anything beginning with "at least", I don't think there's anything specific to say to people who are having a hard time other than to talk to them and keep an open mind. They're just kind of freaking out for a bit and need time to process or someone to hear them.

I make up new words based on the environment around me. That tends to get conversations started but then I run out of things to say.

I read a book or two on small talk then practiced a lot. You could also study some books/TV/ movies (late night talks show and podcast interview shows might help, too). But inevitably I lose my focus and then overshare, start monologuing, or say what I really think if it goes on too long. Afterward I feel either guilty for offending them (even if they said nothing), for looking foolish, or just generally feel anxious from being so focused on performing correctly.

Every so often I feel relaxed and can do it OK. It's rare, but it happens.

So I try to keep it short and try to get myself to care about the other person, but not care too much. It's an effort, and it helps if there is wine for both of us.

Oh, and mirroring their body language and delivering a warm smile appropriately will really help. Then you don't have to say as much.

When in doubt, I let myself seem like I don't really care what they think, and I'm usually the first to end the discussion. Always leave them wanting more.

I'm terrible at small talk, so with me, there's usually a lot of awkward silences. Your question prompted me to use my search engine, and I've come up with some results I think are useful.

http://blog.authenticjourneys.info/2012 ... ients.html

http://www.theindiansabroad.com/2009/12 ... occasions/

http://www.eslflow.com/Socializingandma ... ltalk.html

I often find myself very reluctant to initiate a topic, whether big or small. I seem to have selective mutism. So I leave a lot to the other person, and just echo and develop it as best I can. I've always been fairly good at replying, but initiating is a thing that needs a fair bit of social confidence, so I only do it when I'm feeling lucky.

I used to find small talk too non-profound to appreciate, but since I started seeing it as the profound act of opening channels of communication, I've come to see its social value better.

Comforting - if I feel that I see real sorrow then I feel it too. If my sorrow is too intense then I can feel paralysed and I might not know what to do. Ironically that can come in handy because often all a sad person wants to do is vent to a sympathetic listener. In spite of all this fuss about how we should all listen rather than offer practical advice or help, I think the best way is to listen first and then get more practical, and I think logical reassurance is very useful as well, if it's done right. It's important to pitch it so that it doesn't invalidate the pain, but rather gets picked up as a way of easing the acknowledged pain. Touch is very useful if it's appropriate, a hand to the shoulder says a lot.

Keeping a conversation flowing - I think I did that once. My thinking style holds me back there, I get welded to a subject and that stops me from doing the to-and-fro thing where one person says a sentence or two, the other does likewise, and so on. My brain wants every idea discussed to death, and if the other person doesn't do "their share" of the work, I dominate and do it all myself. I'm too slow to latch onto new topics if they change too quickly, so the to-and-fro thing can tire me out. It's more likely to happen if I feel very safe with the other person, but if they're so mild-mannered that they can't interrupt me when I'm overdiscussing a matter, I'm at risk of making them feel trapped and bored.

I know that problem of asking a trivial question, getting a trivial answer, over and over, though I don't ask many trivial questions myself. I guess it's supposed to be part of that "opening channels" procedure. I tend to find the questions I get boring, name, rank, serial number...........but it gets better with "what do you think of......" etc. The profound nature of the questions should increase as the two people progress together. And I think a lot of seemingly pointless questions mean more than they seem to. If you want to be a good friend, you need to know a bit about what the other person is currently going through. My problem is making the connections - I don't readily translate apparent trivia into information about the other person as a human being with emotions, hopes and fears. But when I turn my mind to it, I can see a lot.

Comforting - general consensus is I suck, but it depends on the other person, too. If someone is upset and has a problem, I usually end up making suggestions about what they can do to fix it, or offering to help them fix it. Possibly because that's my motivation if I was in their position - I'd bring the subject up because I'm seeking a solution, or insight as to the reason behind the problem. However I've been told people don't want to fix it, they just want to tell you about it. Seems safe in this instance to shut up and nod? I don't know.
Small talk - I had this conversation with a therapist recently. I don't understand the point of this at all. He claims social lubrication - I refuted that based on utility - what's wrong with conversation fulfilling more than one function? Why waste time with useless small talk which means nothing, when you could be discussing a subject which is interesting to both parties, tells you more about the person than empty chit chat ever could, and provides the basis for further conversations/connections between you? I solve this one by asking only one gateway small talk question, such as what do you do for work/study or what are you into/passionate about, and then really get into the meat of that subject, and discuss in detail all aspects of this subject. People have generally labelled this conversational approach "intense," but also found it flattering. Getting into a real conversation seems to communicate to the person you really do want to talk to them and are interested in what they have to say, you're not just doing it to be polite because its expected of you both. A a bonus, it also prevents them asking the small talk questions which make me uncomfortable. I generally prefer to discuss a topic than answer questions about my personal life.

I have a hard time with consoling someone too. All I can do is just listen without getting them all upset or making them think I don't care but some people don't like you not saying anything so I can't really win. I would just tell them instead I don't know what to say. If you are talking about tough situations like loss of a loved one or miscarriage or stillborn. I am with dianthus, most people don't know what to say in these situations so they might say they are so sorry or say the wrong thing or say nothing at all because they don't want to say the wrong thing.

Small talk, that just depends. I have a hard time faking interests and it takes energy out of me to do it and if someone talks to me about the weather, I can do that because I always have things to say about it and I can express how I feel about hot weather or cold weather. But I am sure many NTs would just sit there and say nothing while you are talking to them or not say anything when you make small talk so I am not worried about it.