Acting "social" =/= AS

Post Reply New Topic

Is anyone else here OK at acting social? As in, you can talk to people (even if, like in my case it's very rushed and everything sounds a little uncertain), look them in the eyes (I have to do it consciously, it doesn't come naturally) or not butt in. (I have to focus to make sure they haven't got anything else to say)...
As for body/facial language... I don't know because I can't see myself when I'm talking, and I'm too focused on listening (and processing) to be self-aware about it.

Obviously, growing up believing I was supposed to be like everyone else, and being lucky enough to have a couple of friends who I could "copy" outgoing social behavior from, I learned how to ACT social. I still get anxious and panicky, and I know I fidget when I speak to people. But I don't think it shows enough to show that I have problems socializing (I usually get a headache after a lot of socializing).

Do you think this will have an affect on my assessment? Or do you think they'll understand the whole adapting thing?

EDIT: I forgot to mention, also, I don't have problems with taking things "literally" or not understanding jokes. Mainly because I've learned to EXPECT things people say that are out of the ordinary to be them just messing around. I've also become quite good at being sarcastic.
BUT when asked a question like "what have you been up to since the last time I saw you?" I will answer, in full detail, everything I have done, and then ask them the same thing, expecting the same kind of answer and usually just get a "not much" :/ Then I realise, oh, it was THAT kind of question, and I've just bored this person to death.
But I've always had an interest in psychology and sociology the way peoples minds work, so it makes sense to me that I'd pick up on the different things because I pretty much "study" the people around me.

That pretty much perfectly describes me. Most people need to get to know me before they'll notice anything odd about me.

Eye contact is natural with me. And I never interrupt. But I don't see interrupting as necessarily an exclusive Aspie thing, since I've been interrupted many times before with NTs - some interrupt more than others. People who interrupt a lot are more difficult for me to talk to.

Yep. I've acquired more confidence as I'm easing into my second full year of college, although I can still have some shakiness in my voice, depending who I'm talking to.

I can be very outgoing and carry on conversations and have normal ones. But I have a hard time in groups and I can't seem to stop interrupting, I try hard not to and I try and look for a cue to speak up. The cue be waiting for a pause when no one has spoken for a few seconds and I know that's when I can speak up but my mind doesn't seem to work fats enough before I could speak because I have to process my thoughts. I also don't understand when I should enter a conversation. I don't enter one with strangers, never. Even though a few have done it with me. But if it's with people I know, I do but I don't know if I am doing it right or not. There seems to be some cue for when it's okay. I see everyone else do it but when I do it, they get pissed so there must be some cue they see I can't see. But if it's with family, they don't get mad at me. But if it's with other people and they treat me like dirt, I don't talk to them at all. I just don't say anything and I keep quiet. That's how black and white I am but I don't think it's about me being black and white, it's about me not being able to read cues and understand those social situations so I may appear black and white. Sometimes I wonder if this what people are talking about when they mention aspies seeing things in black and white, especially when they take things literal.


I do fine with one and one or with a small group like five people if they keep it that simple.


I think things come and go with me when it comes to social situations. I can look at people but not in the eyes. I can look at their faces, what they have on, what glasses they are wearing, the shape of their nose, their faces, their teeth, how their hair looks, how big or small they are. I call that eye contact. I had to learn it and then it became natural. I have also learned to be sarcastic and I learned to tell jokes but sometimes i get hurtful with it and not even know it. Then I fail to see how it can be so hurtful. Sometimes I don't even know I am being sarcastic. I assume it is possible to be sarcastic and not mean to be. I have been accused of doing sarcasm when I wasn't even doing it so I suppose it's possible. Sarcasm is just another word for humor or to mock. For years I thought it was just saying the opposite of what you think and before that I thought it was another word for lying.

You sound alot like me aswell! I've always been very good at "acting" social and outgoing but it is 100% an act and for me, doesn't feel natural at all. Introductions and initial conversation come easily but once they get to know me you can begin to tell I'm a little odd. I have a hard time actually communicating my thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes and enjoyed experiences enless I rehearse my lines beforehand. So alot of the time once my initial social responses are complete I get really quite and don't have much to say. Small talk is hard for me aswell enless it's the basic topics of weather, news, traffic and known current events. Eye contact for one makes me very uncomfortable but I still push myself and make the appropriate amount of eye contact as I've observed and learned so I seem normal. I do have a tendency to interupt people alot aswell, as I don't always know when it's my turn to talk even though I try to grasp it, it will always be an issue.
My entire family looks at me no different then anyone else though because of the cooping mechanisims I've been able to install in myself, but even so I can only participate in so much social interaction in a day cause it severly drains me...

The worst part is I have a need to be social and have friends... but I can't perform well long enough and have a hard time keeping up and calling people and hanging out, cause I always want to be alone. But I still like to have friends to do the occasional event with. Recently tho I've blocked myself off more and more...

I actually came on here to ask exactly that same question. (As I don't know anyone who also has AS in my vincinity.)
I'm very much like that too. I've been highly succesful at acting "normal" and as a result it took a very long time before anyone came up with the idea that I might have AS. In fact, most of my caregivers didn't know where to place me, until eventually they called in a specialist who got to the bottom of the issue and made, what I now know to be the right assessment.
At one time I even had about +-130 acquaintances with all of whom I spoke off and on. I was really overcompensating back then and as a result I actually had a burn-out from being too social. The weird thing is, I didn't even really enjoy it, I just desperately wanted to be "normal" and I thought it was that hard for everyone. Now I have only two acquaintances with whom, beside my direct family and caregiver, I have some social contact and I've never been happier.
Due to circumstances, I socialized myself, it became my fixation for quite some time. My parents are not social people and I had no friends when I was young. So I studied people interacting on the TV, in books and in school. This also helped identify a lot of social conventions. But this was off course only theoretical so when I eventually got the chance I tried and tried until I found a system that works for me. (albeit a contrivance to simulate connection)
I never speak in groups of more then 4 myself included in these I speak to each person in the group as if it were a one on one coversation switching persons according to who spoke last.
In condensed form this is what I do for one on one conversations:

I don't and won't look people in the eyes so I fixate intently on the nose bridge causing their eyes to blur into a sort of periphial vision. (even so sometimes I still fidget with something while talking, but remain responsive in a non-absent minded way. Which means using key words they used when adressing me and incorporating them in my response, to signal I'm listening intently.)

I listen to what they say and formulate a response that is appropriate by taking all possible replies I could give and picking the one that would most likely provide me with the best outcome for the given situation. Just by way of example: don't make a (anti-) religious comment until you know their (lack of) denomination. This gets so complicated and involved I won't and can't write it all out. Just try to imagine a flow chart that gets added to and detracted from the more you know about the person you're talking to. (they can become huge.)

I never rant on about myself, I take one small bit of information and divulge this, look to see if they are still interested (watching me intently ,face relaxed, responding with filler words (uhu, yes, really?, I see, etc.) or starting to reply themselves.) and if so I add another bit, if they are not starting a reply. But best of all just listen really well, try to find out what really interests them and quiz them a little about it, it's amazing how wonderful people find talking about themselves.

And this was very hard to learn but I also mimic the tiny movements they make during conversation (not all of them or immediately after they make them, that's creepy apparently, just randomly.) And copy their mannerisms to a point, this actually makes people more relaxed. (I don't know why, but it works.) Strangly enough I can do this but still resort to cartoon facial expressions when trying to show my own feelings. (As a side effect of this I once displayed all signs of a borderline disorder after spending a few months with my (now ex-) girlfriend who has borderline, causing me a misdiagnosis, a really disturbing experience in a group, and causing some confusion amongst my caregivers when I stopped having any sign of it after a month. In other words be very careful who you decide to mimic because sometimes you can lose sight of who you actually are.)

All said, this still feels like I'm somehow cheating, even though I am generally genuinely interested in what people have to say, they add to my diverse knowledge of subjects. But this system does not work for me when I'm not in a talking mood, trying to convey my feelings, passions or if I feel strongly about the person I'm talking with. And it's also utterly exhausting.

As for the assessment you mentioned, bring it up, if it's a thorough assessment they will take it into account and it shouldn't really throw the test off by that much.

I can do it (badly, I'm sure), but it feels like a task.