My NT mom gets some weird ideas about me.

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For example, my birthday was a couple of days ago, and we're to go out to dinner on Sunday to celebrate. I chose Red Lobster, and happened to remark on how delicious their chocolate cake was and expressed a desire to get it for dessert. In all her absurd glory, my mom thought I meant that the cake was my only reason for picking Red Lobster in the first place. What?

I'm not obsessed with confectionary, at least not at the exclusion of delicious seafood! I'm just a regular garden-variety chocolate lover, that's all. I'm not even certain I want to get dessert.

That whole talk with her was so ridiculous that I actually laughed a little. But I'm still a little angry right now. I'm going to ask my stepdad if he and I can just go alone, because my mom really doesn't want to go. "You've got a car, go drive yourself," she said at the end. I was left speechless. It's like she expected me to go on my own and just eat cake, which wasn't even close to the original plan. I like to go for the experience, not just the food, and even then I'm usually too full to eat dessert in the first place.

Sometimes it feels like she doesn't even know me. Could that be a side effect of having different brain wiring? Do you guys experience this with your parents? Mothers are apparently the people who are supposed to know us best, but I think that would require the two of us to think similarly on a basic level.

This happens to me a lot, although i don`t have AS but McDD.

We have a lot of miss-understandings because i think different then most people out there. So she cant predict why i want something.

What is McDD?

The same thing always used to happen with my mom and I. I would explain something about politics or religion, trying to inform her of something I learned or talked about, and she would always say that I was trying to insult her or make fun of what she believes. She is a very nice, sensitive person, and I could never understand why she became upset (and didn't know I was just talking to her).

"Absurd glory." Would I be correct in saying that your mother got into a snit over something that sounds like a simple desirous thought? I wonder how she perceived what she said and what's really behind her response.

It's just not right to sabotage your special dinner over something so inconsequential.

I've experienced something similar with a family member and her strong replies often seem like they're almost out of context. I figure there must be something brewing behind the scenes, but I never know exactly what.

I`ll copy/paste some from wikipedia:
Multiple complex developmental disorder is a research category, proposed to involve several neurological and psychological symptoms where at least some symptoms are first noticed during early childhood and persist throughout life. It was originally suggested to be a subtype of autistic spectrum disorders (PDD) with co-morbid schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder, however there is some controversy that not everyone with MCDD meets criteria for both PDD and psychosis

Criteria is met for an autistic spectrum disorder.

For any future questions, i`ll asnwer them

Yeah, that's exactly what it was. I do know that she doesn't want to go because she's "not crazy about the food," as she put it. I think she might be projecting her apathy towards the cuisine onto me. She's probably thinking: The food is unremarkable, so of course the dessert must be all she could possibly care about!

And the NT's say WE take things too literally I'm sorry she had that reaction, and I hope she comes to her senses soon, it was probably her feelings getting hurt for either her projecting her thoughts on the place onto you, her misunderstanding and realizing it, or a bit of both.

Either way, I hope you get to go with SOMEONE.

Hypothesis:

She doesn't like Red Lobster and didn't want to go there but was willing to do it if that was the only place a particular favorite dish was offered (such as affordable lobster). But you can get chocolate cake anywhere so she wondered why she would have to suffer through Red Lobster when you could go to several other restaurants she would like and get chocolate cake there.

What she should have said:

"Ok, we'll go to Red Lobster". It is your birthday after all and the therefore your prerogative to pick the restaurant. The gracious thing to do would be to go and help you celebrate your birthday without having a snit about the restaurant choice. "Go without me" is not a gracious thing to say when somebody else's birthday choice isn't what you would have chosen. Goodness knows my own parents didn't like pizza all that much but they went to pizzarias on my birthday.

Theory of Mind Fail: (NTs get them more than Simon Baron Cohen is willing to admit.)

She assumed that since it was the cake you mentioned, it was the cake that was your primary purpose and you had no interest in the seafood. That's not a good assumption and it was wrong.

It does sort of seem like my mom is trying to insult me into picking a different restaurant, Janissy.

Theory of mind fail, indeed. Logically, one would assume that if a person picks a seafood place, then they are primarily desire seafood. As you said, one can get chocolate cake just about anywhere.

How would she respond if you straight-out asked her about what she meant, and whether she wanted a different restaurant? There are probably other restaurants you like, and if it's important to you that she enjoys herself too, then it might make sense to find a place she also likes. In my experience, many NTs respond well to direct questions if you ask them in a non-confrontational manner--make it clear that your goal is information-seeking.

Yeah, it does seem like you and she have trouble communicating. I guess you've just got to take it slow and hope you both get better at connecting.

I think your mum made a joke, seefood and eat it, a play on the word seafood.

My mom (who is an academic bookworm -> which is fair enough) gives me books about love stories for christmas.

Do I have to tell you more?

I dont want to read books about love stories.

But her intention is still nice, so... f*ck it!

Perhaps your mom wanted to make / get for you a birthday cake, didn't discuss that with you, and was dissapointed that you liked Red Lobster's cake. Leading her to assume that you wouldn't want her's?

They ascribe intentions to lots of things, it's how they make sense of the world.

Or another case of NTs politely not saying what they mean. Maybe she seriously _dislikes_ lobster, for one reason or another? A friend teaches his daughter to say, not that she dislikes a food, but "It's not my favorite". I think that's a little weird, going too far, though he should probably teach her in general, not to say when somebody offers her a food, "That's nasty and yucchy".

I think lobsters are repulsive and evil looking in life, and I don't want to eat any lobster that still shows what it looked like alive in any way. I think I was chased by too many boys waving crawdads at me (looks like a miniature lobster) when I was little. I can eat lobster salad, with just shreds of the meat in it (and it usually tastes good), but I suspect Red Lobster might have pictures of the things up all over too, besides recognizable pieces on the other plates at the table, which would totally spoil _my_ meal. Since it's supposed to be your birthday dinner, though, even with my prejudices about the creatures, I'd blinker myself, keep my eyes on my own plate, and take my kid out to eat where they want to go. But your mother might feel more strongly than I do?