Living in Student Housing

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I'm just wondering if anyone has any coping techniques.

I'm in my third year of university and this year I've started living in a student house across the street from the school. I moved in during the summer, and compared to now, it was dead quiet in the house.

Even back then though it was a huge adjustment for me. I have a history of child abuse and that compounded things. I regressed, spent tons of time alone watching Flashpoint, started drinking again to deal with the overloads, and was even briefly suicidal for a few days. I got through the suicidal crisis by dumping myself on the mercy of my psychiatrist, who told me to 'forget what was bothering me' and then when that did nothing to help me, I told a friend (at the time, my only friend) about the suicidal feelings. Unfortunately our friendship hasn't been the same since I told her that, and I don't have many friends. I don't do well with change, and even the fact that our friendship changed threw me.

But now that school has started, I'm living with 7 other students, and half of them are not native English speakers and they tend to be quite loud. They like hanging out in the kitchen, which is right outside my room.

I managed to get my social abilities back eventually after they went away for a little while, but I find myself stimming more, having trouble concentrating on homework, losing organizational skills. I have to get my executive functioning skills back up to par before I get too behind in class.

I have on a few occasions left my room to ask them to be quiet, but I can't insist that they are always silent, they live here too. I usually deal with the noise by putting on headphones and I find myself to be stimming quite a bit while doing this, mostly rocking, and then I just zone out until I'm calm again.

Situations I need help with are:
Dealing with when the landlord stops by unexpectedly,
Dealing with people being loud when it's not appropriate for me to ask them to quiet down
Dealing with people who will not quiet down even when I ask them to (Some of this is a cultural thing, they just communicate with each other in a louder tone of voice, but this really grates on me)

It does not help that I am not a good communicator, and they do not speak English as their first language.

Has anyone else braved student housing, and how did they manage it?

I could not do student housing. My first two years in college were at a local school---so it was only a 30 minute commute. Since it was only a 2 year college at that time, I had to finish at an out of town university which was an hour and a half away. I had a VW Beetle and I commuted every day. I could not imagine sharing a room with anyone, and I didn't want to leave home. It was at this time that I also belonged to a southern gospel quartet that traveled on weekends---so I spent several nights on our conversion bus with the rest of the group. I didn't mind that too much because I knew it was only like one or two night trips. But the idea of student housing where that is your new home for an extended length of time seemed unspeakable to me. Sorry that I may not be much help to you on this, but I wanted to share my experience with you.

Thank you. I do have my own room, that's a must for me, I can't share a room with someone for more than a few nights. I need my own space. I live in an actual house, not a dorm. There are 8 people including me living here though, all students, 4 on the main floor and 4 in the basement.

Having your own room should be fine, and having your own space is definitely important. I think you should be fine. Being that it is a house should be much better than a dorm. You should always have the opportunity to go to your own room and have your own personal space.

In a lot of ways I am fine, but I did slip back a lot when I first moved here, and I continue to have problems with what I posted above, which I will copy here:

I managed to get my social abilities back eventually after they went away for a little while, but I find myself stimming more, having trouble concentrating on homework, losing organizational skills. I have to get my executive functioning skills back up to par before I get too behind in class.

I have on a few occasions left my room to ask them to be quiet, but I can't insist that they are always silent, they live here too. I usually deal with the noise by putting on headphones and I find myself to be stimming quite a bit while doing this, mostly rocking, and then I just zone out until I'm calm again.

Situations I need help with are:
Dealing with when the landlord stops by unexpectedly,
Dealing with people being loud when it's not appropriate for me to ask them to quiet down
Dealing with people who will not quiet down even when I ask them to (Some of this is a cultural thing, they just communicate with each other in a louder tone of voice, but this really grates on me)

It does not help that I am not a good communicator, and they do not speak English as their first language.

Has anyone else braved student housing, and how did they manage it?

Think of this as a non-event. Just say; Hi, if you run into the landlord. No more interaction needed than that & paying the rent on time.


I've always found that it's a relief to realize when it's appropriate to just let it go when dealing with others in my environment. Also using headphones (as you said) or earplugs may be necessary.


If they won't/can't be quiet when you ask them, then there's little more to do than accept it. You already understand that it's a cultural thing, so they're not doing it to spite you. Again, take solice in the relief that can come when you realize that you can't control others and just let it go.

In general, remind yourself that many cannot pull together the resources to attend college and that being there is a gift worthy of grappling with inherant annoyances.

Thank you. I am grateful that I am able to attend university, I know that not everyone gets to. I don't mind grappling with annoyances, it's just that when some of these annoyances upset my level of functioning I need to figure out solutions, or at least vent about it. I very nearly ended up in the hospital a few months ago and don't want to get to that place ever again.

I understand, Dot. Too much talking around me eventually sets me on edge. I live alone in a pretty quiet town and like it that way. I'm pretty content to come home after work and spend most evenings alone. I haven't lived with a TV for over two decades.

Is the university the same one you attended the 1st years of college? If so, is there a familiar place you can go to in order to get occaisional quiet time such as a library, botanical garden greenhouse, museum or such?

I live in the student's house, now it's 5th year. I have my own room now, but I've been living for 2 years with another disabled girl, she's deaf, so we didn't talk a lot.
There are 20 rooms on my floor. I am faceblind, so I don't recognize people and they treat me like I was invisible. I can't understand this, they're NT, they love to integrate, make relationships, so they should start something. Maybe they don't like weird and nerdy people like me.
It's generally pretty quiet here, but they talk and laugh a lot and I'm afraid a bit of it. How they can laugh so spontaneously?
I used to think that even weird people like me can find some friends in places like SH, but now I know I was wrong. I don't want to become a party animal, but I'd like to have one person as my guide in NT world.

My coping advice: it's better to live alone. I tried to live with people and that was a big fail. Don't cheat yourself and find one person room.

I agree

There are 2 options you could put up with it as it is a limited time in your life, or move out if it is that bad

I can't afford to live alone right now, I'm on disability and am barely making rent on one room. I was hoping there would be more coping advice other than 'put up with it or move out'.

Maybe I should have gotten more specific and just asked for coping mechanisms to deal with unexpected changes in routine, and a high level of noise.

I do appreciate what you said, MountainLaurel, about finding a quiet place. When I'm overloaded I can shut myself in one of the piano practice rooms that are sound-insulated. Or there's a nice little arboretum in the middle of one of the buildings that has a waterfall that blocks out pretty much all noise.

So how do I deal with unexpected changes in routine and a high level of noise? I find myself using headphones and stimming more. I don't want it to get to the point where I can't get my university work done.

I can sort of relate to your situation, in that I was stuck living in a student sort of house for the first couple years of my university program, and it was often quite noisy, and the kitchen and bathroom were shared and often unpredictably gross (due to the various living standards of the other people that were living there). I didn't even really recognize it at the time, but I did get more and more stressed there and got pretty depressed by the end of it. Now that I'm in my own place, it's amazing to have everything left just as clean as I had it and to have very little unpredictable noise; I can relax and am much more effective with my schoolwork. So the point of all that is that I can relate, that I had a similar situation to yours and acknowledge that environment makes a big difference in how you feel.

Some things that I found helped: 1) the fan room for the building was directly next to my room (it had a heater and a/c unit, etc.) and so that was always making what they call "white noise," which is good (so maybe get a white noise generator of some sort or at least run an electric fan or two), 2) play music that you like, and you won't hear other things as much over top of it (provided you like music while studying), 3) study at the park or another natural location (trees or water are calming), 4) while the library is suggested as a quiet location, I commiserate if you also do not find it particularly quiet most of the time -- in the book stacks (like between the aisles) is often better than trying to study in the cubicles, and 5) stay up late (I think this was my primary adaptive measure, as I became a major night owl back then). Another practical suggestion for you: maybe ask one of the other students with a quieter room if he or she would be willing to swap rooms with you over the upcoming holiday weekend. I mean if that person likes hanging out in the kitchen a lot, the new location might be a perk for them, while the other room location might be better for you.

On the landlord issue -- landlords aren't really supposed to do that, drop by unexpectedly a lot particularly if not asked to. For nonessential repairs, at least 24 hours notice is required in Ontario. The one I had at that time just showed up whenever he felt like it for maintenance issues that he had put off addressing for months, just randomly coming into the place without even knocking. Theoretically, they really are not supposed to do that.

I wasn't really any neater/cleaner in my old place, where I used to live alone. I'm hopelessly unorganized. I don't know if all people on the spectrum are organized, or if it's just an executive functioning thing with me, or if I'm just a lazy person. I don't think it's just that I'm lazy, because I do try to stay organized but it always gets away from me. I can't seem to get myself oriented in my work any better when I'm alone in an apartment by myself.

I keep things clean, and my cleanliness standards are definitely above some of the people in this house.

It's not all bad, I do enjoy living very close to the school so I can go home during my breaks. I'm getting more involved in university clubs because I don't have to ride the bus for 40 minutes to get there and back any more.

I just miss having some place where I could shut the world out. I hope that doesn't wear me down too much.

As for the landlord, I don't know if I could tell him to stop coming around. He owns the house. He's letting me keep my cat here. And I haven't told him I'm transgender yet. I want him to like me so that he doesn't freak out when I eventually change my name.

I can't switch rooms, the landlord specifically wanted me in this room because I have a cat, and I have to keep the cat in my room.

Well... when we lived in the dorms, atthe beginning of the year,they would always make us sign some kind of document that said we had discussed basic house rules for how we were going to live together. Own room or not you need house rules. Put 8 college students together in one house an more times than not you're going to have a party environment. I wonder if you could have some kind of house meeting to discuss this, maybe even with a college provided translator if need be? I used to spend most of my time in the library to avoid noise in my dorms. That's harder to do at night if you live off campus. Good luck.

I know this post won't be much help for you, and I appologise for that, but I know the situation you're in. This is my second year of house sharing and I hate it. The people are nice, they talk to me, and there are only 4 of us, but I find it very difficult to cope with not having anything in terms of space that is mine outside of my small room. Fortunately, we live next to the woods and I rely heavily on that to walk away my stress from people. When the weather is nice enough I go out there to do my homework, but winter is comming, so we will see how that is going to turn out.

My room is also just outside the kitchen area, which apparently is the default socializing area, which I hate, because I go to bed early and get up early compared to my housemates. (Getting up at 1 pm. Really?!) Also they make a freaking mess and I have to restrain myself heavilly to stop cleaning it, making me grossed out in the bathroom etc. They refused to have a cleaning scedule...

Also, I am the only one with a car, meaning that shopping has to be done with me present, and they always insist we go at peak hours, where I go meltdown in corners. They also buy comunal food which I do not eat but have to pay for, but my personal stuff which I do eat I have to pay myself. I hate this, but I cannot say no because they are my only friends and if I do not drive, they have to go by bus for half an hour with their food.

The only condolence I have is that it is for only a year longer and then maybe I can have some more personal space and maybe bring my pet. How I long for that day.

Good luck with getting through your year.

Ahh, other people's noise, my arch-nemesis !

The suggestion about having a fan or music on in the room is a good one - although it doesn't mask loud sounds it can help lessen the impact of sudden, startling noises & drowns out low-level noise. If you don't want music all the time, then there should be CDs of sea / woodland type noises that are more soothing, and even if you crank up the volume it won't be too loud but there'll be a lot of the nice helpful background white noise. Test out which 'soundscapes' are best for you.

If you can afford a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, that may be worth investigating. I read others posts recommending certain brands in the last year - have a look in the archive for those.

Worse case - use earplugs and headphones / ear defenders. Not very comfy for long term use though, hence better to keep these for when other methods (external music, being somewhere else) can't be used.

Finally, +1 vote for getting out if you're getting stressed with noise. If you can't ask them to be quieter and you can't study, then just get out the house & have a half hour somewhere where you can find your inner balance. I find that if you feel more in control of the situation, it makes you feel better.

I hope you find a better balance & wish you well in your studies.