husband never believes me

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my husband was diagnosed with aspergers earlier this year. Having an understanding of this has helped some of our communication difficulties, but it has also bought about some realisations for me about his belief factors. Specifically, he never trusts what I say. I have to repeat things many times over and the same issues are raised by him over and over again (for years)
For example:
I told him 3 months ago that we did not have enough money for him to buy a car off of eBay. He has translated this into "I am not letting you buy a car"

I started to sing a song in the car which he hates. I had completely forgotten that he did not like the song. yet, my husband became incredibly angry and accused me of deliberately singing this song to agitate him.

These are just a couple of many, many examples spanning years which we have to discuss over lengthy periods of time before he will eventually "give in" and at least agree to accept my reasons. It breaks my heart that in his opinion I am just an "imposter" who deliberately lies and manipulates in my favour all the time. I don't understand why he is still with me and he responds to this by telling me he loves me. But, how can he love me if he doesn't believe me on so many different issues.

Then, because he doesn't believe what I say to him, he spends weeks conjuring up his own ideas about how the events played out, sometimes coming up with some completely dilusional thoughts that are no-where near the truth. he uses this as an excuse to blow his top and display explosive anger in front to me and the kids which can be scary.

I am confused about what is going on here and I can't get straight answer from him because he will go off on a tangent about something else and the thread of the original conversation gets lost.

I do this too, and my reasons are something like this. I've never had occasion to trust anyone. Even "trustworthy" people lie all the time often without realizing they are doing it. We aspies (this one at least) take things literally. With this comes the realization that most of the time, people do not know what they're talking about. They give generalized answers that mean absolutely nothing to us, they use words without being sure of their precise meaning and don't seem to care that nothing they are saying conveys ANY meaning that we can do anything with. For me at least, words have very specific meanings and they may change depending on context, but to me when you are saying something then THAT is what you are saying. ("I fed the dog" means that you fed the dog. For all I know you threw the water dish out the window.) I've had to learn that when someone says x, they almost always actually mean y. It's still really irritating but developing those "translators" does eliminate some confusion.
That said, it can be very frustrating to have learned, for example, that when most people say "we can't afford" they are really using it as an excuse instead of saying "i disagree", they'd rather manipulate the situation than just face reality. I am NOT saying that's what you're doing, simply that this is the type of behavior that we become used to over time. This might be the situation that your husband sees.
I've had a lot of difficulty with this as the aspie partner, so from the other side I say try to be patient. He very likely doesn't mean to insult you or imply anything about you because he doesn't believe what you say. It's probably a reaction to most people he's dealt with, and it might help if you had a talk with him to make sure you're both on the same page. Make sure he knows you know what you're saying and that it is exactly what you mean. Ask if maybe there's a way he can check with you, if he's not feeling like you're paying enough attention to what you're saying. From experience, it can be very frustrating to try communicating with someone for it to end in nothing being said or resolved or getting done, or no clear meaning even coming from the conversation.

It is likely that your Aspie has a one track mind with an excellent memory. It is likely that he has a verbal impairment--he doesn't really think in terms of words. Instead, he may think in an alternate universe, such as pictures, numbers, or colors. Aspies also have difficulty with generalities and approximations. They are also good at problem solving, and clever solutions around rigid constraints. As you are well aware, sometimes by brute force effort--which might be better used to more productive activities. I've made this artificial box I'm stuck in, and have now devised a way out of it. These aren't absolutes--I not only recognize these issues but have learned to think in multiple modes--but I'm unusually gifted in my ability to learn. There can also be trust issues in that Aspies are often totally clueless about stuff that normal people take for granted--which could be literally anything. But, since he loves you--there is a good chance he will learn that stuff if you take the time to teach it to him in a manner he can understand. For instance, if wanted to teach color coordination of clothes, you probably need to show him with actual clothes, and not talk about the colors in the abstract.

I'd suggest writing down his pet peeves--perhaps even making a whiteboard in which he gets to list his top 5 issues for you to avoid.

Similarly, it may help to draw pictures with discussing issues--try experimenting with other forms of communication. Then, when you come to a resolution, perhaps writie it down on that whiteboard so the both of you will remember exactly what was agreed to. For instance, if you agree to no new car for 2 years, you might get a picture of a new car or newspaper advertisement and draw one of those international red symbols on it, and write 2 years below it.

A pie chart might be helpful in explaining how much money is available for budgeting.

I agree, try putting things in writing. I tend to work better from written lists and written ideas than from verbal ones. Writing does not include body language and non-verbal cues you may be giving off. Many of us are not the best at verbal communication. And yes, we can take things so literally sometimes that it creates problems in communication.

I had the same problem with my aspie ex and he called it his social issues

I should have said to him if he is so literal, then start taking exactly what I am saying and stop translating it. But I didn't think of it at the time.


*backs out of this thread and never looks back since it makes me so angry when I read this*

I don't want to analyse your husband but the thing about singing the song seems just a simple misunderstanding. He obviously has a great memory and feels you are doing it deliberately because he thinks you should remember doing it previously. This happens to me quite a lot as well. I had to gradually learn that most people don't remember certain things I do.