Are we required to explain why we do what we do?

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Okay, I already think the answer is no, but there's a sort of-- "social contract"?-- that we should be polite.

Example: I don't want to go to the neighborhood women's lunches. There are several reasons. I've given a few, the polite ones , but people try to shoot them down, and if I still insist on doing it my way, I know I seem stubborn. And there's 15 minutes spent with the only result that everyone involved is annoyed.

Example: I don't want to go to visit a neighbor who was nice to me when I got here, any more. Again, several reasons. I've tried to sort of ease into it, going over less and less, but she keeps asking why I'm not over so much. I don't think I should be criticizing her or implying she should "change." She's fine the way she is and she has plenty of friends (I have 2, who are weird and like weird people, and that's plenty for me.) This neighbor and I just aren't good companions. Should I drag out all the reasons anyway? I think I'm going to go with "that's what I think is best" or the "not good companions."

Sometimes people question my interests, whether I should be doing them in quite that way (such as alone) and I get into explaining my childhood, etc. Is this really their business? Am I going too far to be polite?
Why I don't drive at night, why I take so long to get places (I'm more careful than average), even why I don't like soup--good grief, people!

Does this happen to you, and if so, what do you do?

I've come to realize that I have many Aspie traits, just maybe one less than the required number on the checklist. Others, I should get two check marks.
I'm a woman, and maybe that's why I apparently have enough social skills to be included in some things. But my heart isn't into conforming.

Something that was hard for me to learn (I was raised by a parent who was abusive and passive-aggressive): "Thanks, but I don't want to" is a valid reason. Full stop. End of story.

People who continue to press you for a reason after that are being rude. Redirect their attention elsewhere. "I don't want to go, but thanks for asking me. How about the weather today?"

I notice you live in the American South, where being direct is a huge social sin. Unfortunately, there's no indirect way to say "I don't want to." So there's also this method: "Why do you need to know?" That puts it back on the demander, and often it highlights that they're being rude. They generally flounder and then stop, when I ask this question.

"That's what I think is best" is harsh "I'm just the kind of person that needs quite a lot of alone time" sounds much nicer.

Sounds like they're annoyed at you for opting out of a social situation. I guess people can be touchy about feeling shunned, but you've got your reasons and I think they'd do better to respect them. It's probably too late to manufacture an excuse. Hopefully if you stick to your guns they'll come to terms with your decision. I suppose it's something of a gamble whether they'll do that or whether it'll mess up the bonds between you to some extent. Usually I think people learn to live with firm decisions about these things, they're generally fairly forgiving I think, but it depends on the group. If it were me and I found they couldn't handle my decision, I hope I'd try to talk it out, and if it was still causing a lot of resentment, I'd probably feel I was better off finding other people to spend my time with. But I have noticed that I can't seem to be in most groups without feeling quite a bit of discomfort at times. I find it hard to know when I'm better off sticking up for myself and when I'm better off giving in.

Wow, I feel for you. That seems extremely rude and pushy I tend to be direct, and just say I don't want to come. They probably think I am rude, but at least I am left alone when I want to be

Thank you. I was hoping more than one other person would think this was too pushy and that I can live the way I want to without having to justify it.

I didn't totally like the idea of just saying, "That's what I think is best" either.

On another topic that's just about me so I won't make a new thread: I've found another sign that I don't have Asperger's: I did fairly well on the "eyes test" which measures your ability to read someone's mood by seeing a picture of the eye area. I did as well as or better than 64% of the people taking it.

Maybe that's something I learned from some big problems I got into by taking what people were saying literally. But I also don't mind changes, in fact I like some of them, and I don't do any repetitive movements that I know of.

On the other hand, I had to train myself to look people in the eye and it was very hard at first; I have problems with noisy or very active environments; I don't dress like other people; I have intense interests which I would rather pursue than hang around people; I'm way more honest than most people I've known; and there's probably more. But I don't think it's enough.

I'm not going to represent myself on here any more as a probable Aspie, and will avoid commenting unless it's about my son. So disregard my posted opinions if being an Aspie matters. If you even care. It's just the compulsive honesty again.

This is where I don't believe that "failing to understand other people's opinions/views" is actually an autistic trait like everywhere says it is and that everybody (both Aspies and allistics) agrees with. I think it's a common human thing. I'm mean if you don't like soup, you don't like soup. If you like an interest, it's because you like the interest. If you want to do something alone, it's your choice and maybe you feel comfortable doing things that way. NT interrogate because they don't understand why you like/don't like doing these things, just because they do or don't do it. They do it to each other too. Aspies do it to each other often. Other NDs do it to each other. All humans don't to each other, because it's a human trait, not an Aspie trait.

It doesn't matter if you "have it" or not.

Your words have the same credence as somebody who "has" it.

Saying this----I think the "alone time" angle is probably best. I believe the people you mentioned had good intentions, and shouldn't be lambasted for having good intentions.