Am I cold?

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I generally care about people, meaning I do not like to see them suffering or in pain or hurting and if I see them in any of those states I wish I could make it all better for them so that they don't have to feel that way but...

When it comes to socialising I do not really care to listen to someone talking about the mundane aspects of their life, like how they need to do the washing or that they are going shopping etc (Unless it is a very close loved one, then I will listen to it a bit more although a lot of it will seem irrelevant to me). My brain is usually too busy thinking about whatever it seems to wanting to think about (usually my latest fascination) and does not want to be bothered with irrelevant trivia. As long as they are not in urgent need of assistance or in emotional distress I find it really hard to make myself interested in their ramblings about washing and what not.

Am I cold? Because I am apparently supposed to be interested in those things...

Your autistic. Your not supposed to be interested in those things, but normal people are, or they at least fake it out of courtesy. I guess you should try to pay attention as people don't like being ignored, no matter what they are talking about. I don't think your cold, your just "honest" and uninterested.

No one is interested in whether someone needs to do the washing or not. Seriously. No one cares about anyone else's pets or hobbies or holidays or what their boy/girlfriend said or did. NTs don't care about this stuff either. They feign interest. It's part of the social contract. You feign interest in my conversation and I'll feign interest in yours.

I feel a similar way. No, its not being cold to think like that. If it were cold to think like that, I'd be feeling bad because I don't comment on everyone's Facebook status. But do I care about what people are doing on Facebook? HELL NO! (Unless they're talking about my interest at the moment. But not even that's worth commenting on.)

@cozysweater

To me, a good conversation involves talking about something of interest and fascination so that new information can be explored and learned. It is also nice if that can be combined with a few good jokes to add an amusement factor along the way.

Why spend time talking to people about subjects which are not in the least bit interesting?

From Jane Austen's Persuasion:

“My idea of good company ... is the company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.'
'You are mistaken,' said he gently, 'that is not good company, that is the best.”


Not every interaction is the best interaction. My hope is that if I bother with someone else's dull conversation they won't roll their eyes or walk away from me while I'm talking about my latest dorky interest. I don't like being treated badly so I try not to treat others badly. Sometimes that means patiently listening to how "adorable" their grand-baby or dog is. (And I do get really annoyed if the favor isn't returned because those are the rules I was taught)

Clinical Psychologist as a possible career?

Do you need a blanket? Might warm ya up.

I sit under a duvet, so I am covered for now, but thank you!

Oh god help me no! I'd end up talking to my patients about my issues and the latest research I am doing on it.

If you expect others to listen to you and then leave when you are done talking but not want to listen to them, then yes you are cold.


If you don't talk to anyone about what you are into or about your life, etc. then you are not cold.

Hm it depends.

I will listen to a loved one rattle on about anything at times, and I will talk to them about what is going in my life if something very big has just happened, more often though I talk about my interests or my opinions about things that are directly affecting me at the time. But it can be complicated because sometimes I get so caught up in rattling on that I can forget to do things like even say "hi" or ask "how are you", so that can upset them. The problem is that if they are having a problem etc I just assume that they will tell me they are having a problem without my asking them. I have upset people on that front as they had been sitting waiting for me to ask and I have continued rattling on without realising as I thought they would have just told me. I feel bad after I realise.

If someone is having a problem, needs emotional help or is in distress and I know about it, I will always sit and listen to them if they need me to. Always, although I can struggle with it sometimes (most of the time).

1 I will force my brain to listen but it will keep trying to go back to whatever it was pondering before (I can sometimes have a single track mind that does not like to change tracks quickly. I get the same problems if I have two dominant interests running at the same time for example, especially if they are not related to each other or in the same area. I.e. If I am studying I cannot suddenly put the books down and switch over to doing art...I need to coax my brain slowly into the right mindset for art first otherwise I will continue pondering the study stuff whilst I am trying to create...so I usually have days or weeks that are all art based or days that are all study based so that I don't have to switch from one to the other). It is not that I do not care about the fact the person is upset, it is more that I am having trouble getting my brain to follow them.

2 I don't really know what to do a lot of the time. On line, if it is by email, I can figure it out because I have time to formulate a response. In real life, things move far too quickly and by the time I have figured out what to do, the moment has long passed. So I can appear more uncaring than I actually am. It takes me a long time to process this stuff.

I struggle, but people don't see my struggle, they just see someone who is not listening to them or seems not to care.

But there is stuff that strangers insist on talking to me about that I don't see the relevance of such as doing their washing etc. I mean are they in emotional distress over it? Did they hurt themselves and now need assistance and so on.

There are occasions I do not mind listening to someone monologue for example because they seem to be so obviously excited by what they are talking about I let them carry on (plus if I am having trouble making conversation it can take the pressure off me when it comes to thinking of things to say). I don't share their feeling of excitement, but it can be cute to see. But this too can be limited to loved ones and not strangers. It can vary.

Other than on line, I don't really talk to strangers or get into drawn out conversations with them, and if I do they sit and tell me this stuff whilst I smile and nod back. I don't really speak much to people I do not know very well as I cannot think of anything to say.

Recently my mum admitted to me that she didn't like me when I was a kid because she found me 'cold and aloof'. I suppose, like you, I can sometimes appear that way to others. When I'm working I find it hard to listen to people natter on, I just want to get to the point and get the job done. But I know I'm not cold. When I care about someone I care about them deeply.

Yes, I totally agree.

It is very hard though to find people who share as much passion for my interests as I seem to have. After hours of talking about the same thing they get bored with it! I am either asked to shut up or change the subject. Or as my mum used to say when I was going on about something as a child "Cheryl love, can you change the record please".

"What record?"

"Change the subject and talk about something else".

It's that time of day again for another sweeping generalisation about NTs. Please extend the same courtesy to NTs (namely that NTs too are individuals and not a homogenous mass) that is expected here to be extended to people on the spectrum.

It is perfectly true that people sometimes politely listen to others bang on about boring stuff but most people will seek to bring such an interaction to a close as soon as politely possible.

But often even mundane stuff can be interesting or entertaining. Most people's life isn't a roller coaster ride of one fascinating deep mind blowing event/exchange/discussion after another but is a series of everyday interactions occasionally punctuated by fascinating deep mind blowing encounters.

In real life it is often possible to move on from everyday stuff to deeper stuff with friends, or with people that are becoming friends. But not many people have the time or the energy to give off sparkling fireworks of wit non stop. That is perhaps something NTs and people with ASDs share.

To the OP, I think League Girl said it pretty well perfectly.

Last edited by readingbetweenlines on 03 Dec 2011, 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.