Do you feel bad when you realize you might have offended?

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For clarity, I mean offended someone or hurt their feelings. It wouldn't let me type a title long enough.

I have few friends, and we don't really hang out much. I'm a music student, majoring in voice. One of my friends is acting as my accompanist for my singing tests, one of which is coming up in 2 weeks. I didn't manage to get the music she needs to learn to play for my test to her until today.

I got her the music, and she said something about how soon the singing test was. Ever logical, I said, "Yes, but the music's not very hard, is it?"

Possibly a social mistake. Her reaction was brusque and the interaction was short.

I didn't realize it at the time, but she was probably a little frustrated that I'd only given her two weeks to prepare for my singing test, and I should have apologized or at least validated her feelings. By remarking that the music wasn't so hard, I was invalidating her feelings.

I mentally beat myself up a little bit after realizing how I may have come across. Just for a short time though, and then my logical side took over. I can't get down on myself for this, because that won't solve anything, it won't change what I said, and it won't make the other person feel any better.

Tomorrow we are going to get together to rehearse. I will apologize then. I know apologies don't actually solve anything but I think it will let her know that I'm not trying to invalidate her feelings. I guess I do feel a little bad that I might have caused her further frustration.

Do you have a story when you accidentally offended someone? Do you feel bad when you do it?

If it happens in real life, 95% of the time.

On the internet, maybe 65%-70%

Horrible. The feeling that I have hurt someone is the worst feeling imaginable.

It depends on the situation. I try and block out my negative feelings because I hate feeling that way so I use the "I don't care" attitude. I remember feeling bad for offending my aunt but usually I don't feel bad for offending others because I always think they are too sensitive. But yet I have a habit of apologizing when someone is offended because that is something that nice people do.

If I feel bad, it's probably because it's effecting me like if I caused someone to stop talking to me or caused someone to get nasty with me.

Once upon a time I did used to care and then I came to a point when I stopped caring because I got tired of being told I wasn't sorry or people still being mad at me or people not dropping their meanness, also the fact I had found out people get offended over anything and it's not always me with the problem. Hard to tell as an aspie who is at fault here but sometimes I can tell when it's the other person with the issue, not me. I will apologize and if things aren't better, their problem now. Now thanks to them, I feel it's so pointless to apologize because why bother if it won't patch things up? I get annoyed when my husband apologizes for things he can't fix. Even I don't always want people apologizing to me because I won't talk to them again nor act like their friend or play friends with them so giving me an apology is useless and I'd hate to be the bad guy just because I am acting like I am not letting it go. So that makes me less likely to apologize because I think they might not want my apology either so why bother?

I can't think of a story, but I do feel bad when I offend people by accident. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

Yup. Unless the offended person is an as*hole who desperately deserves it. Worrying about offending them just causes more stress for me, and they aren't worth it.

I feel bad when I hurt someone; and usually when I offend someone. I don't feel bad for offending people after I explain what I actually meant and they still persist in interpreting my words in the worst possible way. If they do that, I start in with the deliberate insults.

Same here!

This is pretty much how I feel about it too. Also, if they get offended for some really stupid reason, I tend to not care too much. Like for instance, the other day at work, this guy kept touching my man boobs. I don't care that I have them, but it pisses me off when people touch them randomly for no reason. It's pretty much the same thing as ball tapping, which pisses me off and confuses me immensely. Anyway... after he did it a couple times and I'd had enough, I started yelling at him about it, and I said something like "what are you, gay?" A lesbian manager yelled at me and said "hey! I don't appreciate those comments about homosexuals." So I said "well, I don't appreciate brandon touching my damn nipples." In this example, I had every right to be pissed off, and I don't feel that she had any reason to be offended. I didn't say anything bad about homosexuals, I just implied that someone at work was one because he apparently liked touching me. I don't care that she was offended, as that was a stupid reason to be offended.

I'm quoting Ganondox as this is exactly how I feel. Even when I make nice people feel uncomfortable because I didn't get a social situation at the time.

The main feeling I get, when someone 'takes offense' at a comment that I did not actually intend to be offensive, is confusion

Social confusion has been my lifelong friend - in stark (and somewhat unbalancing) contrast to my academic experiences!

Well depends on what's said and who I say it to. Usually I don't feel bad unless I really make them feel bad, more confusion as said.

Well, I always try to avoid hurting people, but more often than I'd like myself to appear I happen to say something the way that can hurt someone. Sometimes people just annoy me by their repeated unhelpful expectations, and I have to cut it off. (Is that bullying, btw?) It's interesting though, that I simply can not make up and say deliberately hurtful witty/sarcastic words as a comeback on someone who's POd me.

+1

It seems that just speaking in a direct manner is considered 'aggressive' by many NTz.

If only they knew how frustrating, painful (and time wasting) their indirect patterns of speech are!

Last edited by Blindspot149 on 14 Oct 2011, 2:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it helps and is healthy to not be so sensitive. In the example from the OP there is mention about invalidating feelings etc. because the response was short and brusque. It is hard to see cause and effect here. I think it is always best to be direct and honest with people so miscommunications don't exist. I wouldn't apoligize but maybe asking some questions would clarify how she felt.