Loneliness and insanity?

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I live alone and have done so for a few years. Normally, most of the time (inevitably), I don't freak out, panic or get anxious just because of that fact, but recently I've noticed that something has been - in some form - growing, I suppose inside me. I'm not sure it's exactly like fearing darkness, like children do, but it must be a related feeling. It's something that is mostly apparent if I don't have any music I'm listening to. I'm supposing that it's just the opposite of what people feel when they meditate (which is also an activity mostly done alone, but it does usually have a positive result).

Is this latent insanity, by any chance? With time, is there a chance that I'll grow steadily psychotic, and possibly develop delusions (which I could theoretically see as being feasible) or even hallucinations (à la delirium)? Or is this simply a negative reaction to the fact of loneliness itself, a feeling that is possibly more 'eventual' than 'sudden'? (Like if you just break up from your partner, as that would be an onslaught of sudden depression, I imagine).

maybe you could you know get out and not go insane

Outside it's a different sort of loneliness. Sure, we *can* be surrounded by people at any time we want if we go in the middle of the most populated street, but does that really make any difference at all? I end up feeling even more depressed, and anxious due to the amount of people. Unless I can actually talk with someone I know (and just going onto random people in the street is not the wisest thing to do, even for a non-aspie) I'll always end up feeling like this, whether inside or outside. I know a few people but none that would manage to fill up all my time... not that all my time needs filling up (I'm sure in healthy circumstances I'd like to spend some time alone, intentionally, to read etc.) - in the end I still feel alone, mostly because that's the physical state. Of course, we could argue we're all alone in the end, like the old woman told Donnie Darko, but many of us are good at masking that feeling - and stopping whatever grows inside of us - by temporarily being in the presence of others.

The main thing is to not worry about it. Whatever happens, you'll be good. I find that my brain/consciousness/? is always presenting various ways of interpreting situations, and that my overmind/actual consciousness/? is free to choose whichever one it wants as the actual reality.

Ultimately, there is no point in being depressed, so simply don't be depressed.

That's a very interesting way to approach it, mglosenger. Are you, by any chance, interested in consciousness/perception altering media? (I'm also basing this off the website you got linked in your profile...)

I am interested in anything new/novel/unique. I am interested in consciousness/perception altering media.

The longer I go, though, the more I realize that it's all in my head anyway, just how much I'm willing to accept without fear.

If you're concerned about the way living alone is affecting you, you're picking up on a real issue and you need to address it somehow before the mental stress becomes more severe. Living alone really can lead to psychosis in an otherwise healthy individual with no predisposition to insanity. That's why prisoners in solitary confinement are always straightjacketed at night. They naturally become psychotic and ultimately, suicidal. Can you get a pet? Being alone in a crowd doesn't help, trust me. You need to find a way to make a friend in 3D. Pets help if that seems impossible. Most communities have activity groups for beginners that are intended to help participants meet other people or just get out for the duration of a free class once a week or so. Art supply stores are a good place to look for fliers on beginner arts and crafts classes. Universities often have clubs that are open to the public, such as Toastmasters, and classes for non-degree seeking students. Find a way to get one-on-one interaction that goes deeper than a barrista learning your name and your order. That's what it's going to take.

If it's any consolation I do not think it is the onset of insanity. It sounds like anxiety to me. As I know from personal experience anxiety is frightening until you recognise it as such. Even then it's not a great feeling, but I've learned to take it as a warning signal that something is going in the wrong direction, be it at work (feeling stressed etc) or at home.

If this is what's going on then you need to take steps to reduce or eliminate or accept ( as the case may be) whatever it is that's making you miserable. Whether it's the being on your own or something else, only you can say.

Going out to be with others, at least some of the time, is a good thing. It is not merely a distraction but an end in itself.

Distracting yourself from feeling anxious can work (music, telly, a good book, socialising) but once you stop these activities, as I think you've already discovered, it may return.

Nothing to be frightened of but you do need to pay attention to it. Physical activity helps, not as a distraction but as a means of achieving something tangible which will make you feel better. If you think you suffer from depression please seek medical attention. It is an illness, not merely a state of mind and not subject to choice unfortunately.

readingbetweenlines, thanks for your post, it makes sense. I don't think I suffer from what is technically clinical depression, because that seems to be defined as having no apparent cause (whereas I know what depresses me, mainly loneliness and everything that led up to it). What I might have, which is what I think the mind is generally capable of, is some sort of customized depression, and ironically I'm in control of it. Although, since it is a response to actual issues I don't suppose I should do anything to eliminate it on its own, but it would be otherwise rational to try to solve the problems that create it in the first place.

Insanity is a sane response to an insane world

just go out more.....

MooToo, I like your concept of 'customised depression', you're definitely on to something there. I also think you are right about the difference between the feeling itself and the underlying causes. Only some of these are likely to be within your control to fix. You can't magic a relationship out of thin air, to stop the loneliness and the living by yourself which seems not to suit you. You can learn from mistakes made in the past though.

The other thing that not fixable is the AS, and i think we're all agreed here that it doesn't need "fixing" because it ain't broke. As I've said elsewhere, lots of NT people go through life feeling an inner distance while outwardly appearing connected & integrated.

Sometimes joining in with people will make you feel better, sometimes worse. At work it often can't be avoided as there are expectations of joining in with stuff whether you feel like it or not. But in your private life I think you need to be more careful ( with yourself), more selective, less driven by external expectations, or what you think your life looks like from the outside to others.
That said, unwanted aloneness is hard.