Help me understand AS behaviors better...

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If anyone with AS or high-functioning Autism is willing to participate, I am looking for answers to the following questions and/or descriptions of your likely behavior in the following scenarios...
1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.
2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend?
3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname?
4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie?
5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background?
6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention?
7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds.
Thanks in advance to all who participate in this discussion. Please know that I appreciate all responses and will not be judgmental of what anyone has to say. I plan to use any information I learn in helping me have a better understanding of typical AS behaviors.

1 I would be very shy and avoid handshaking and not get too close because I do not know this person at all and I feel very guarded of myself and I feel uncomfortable for some reason
2 If they even want to talk to me again and actually include me in things
3 I get very offended
4 No it is not and had who I thought was a really good friend lie to me about something very personal about myself
5 I feel very uneasy like people are looking at me and judging and or laughing at me
6 I can never seem to get someones attention by accident or on purpose
7 My bottom lip twitches and I fell very uncomfortable like I want to run away and I feel queasy in the pit of my stomach and then look away.

Last edited by Radiofixr on 18 Oct 2011, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.

Hard to answer because I don't greet people unless I am told so. I may say something like "I'm Beth." I am nervous because I have no idea what to talk about and I am thinking in my head what should I ask them and should I say this or that so I let them lead me.

2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend?

When they talk to me a lot and are nice to me and treat me with respect and don't give me any bad vibes.


3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname?

I either get confused or just tell them I am not that person. If it's the wrong nickname, I tell them my nick name.

4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie?

It depends. If it's to protect someone like to when people had to hide the Jews in their home during WWII, lying about not having them in their home and pretending they don't know where that family is was totally acceptable. Also if you have to protect yourself from getting bullied, it's okay to pretend to not like something so they won't bully you for it. It's also okay to pretend you don't care what they say to you and you pretend to be strong and not act upset or hurt. If bullies think they can't hurt you, they will leave you be eventually, you hope. If you want to avoid drama and you know your honest answer will get the person upset with you or cause a conflict between you two, you can lie by saying you have no opinion or that you don't care or you can just simply refuse to answer the question if you hate to lie.


5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background?

I can tune it out, not literally, but it doesn't bother me so I ignore it and ignore the people and I just walk through and around people.

6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention?

Yell their name. If I don't know their name, come up to them and start talking to them. No response, say "hey" and wave your hand in front of their face if they don't answer. The last thing I would do is touch them. If it's someone I know, I shout at them or touch them or block their view.


7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds.

I look away. It makes me uncomfortable.

1. I'm unlikely to great someone new, I usually wait for them to approach me and then I let them drive the conversation, but when I do great some new I'd say something along the lines of "Hello, my name is _____, what's your name?" and I might shake there hands if they offer it. I don't really care about learning much about the person on the first encounter, and during the whole proccess I'm generally happy if I'm not feeling awkward.
2. A friend is some who is nice to me and sincerely listens to me, and lets me treat them the same way. Or something like that.
3. I'd be extremely annoyed and I'll correct them. In the past nicknames bothered me, but I don't care so much anymore.
4. Yes, but only if they absolutely must (if they don't lie someone is going to die or loose their job or something serious like that), I dislike white lies as I prefer hearing the truth.
5. I might be a bit annoyed and stressed, but I'll keep myself together and get whatever I need to done without being a disturbance.
6. Stand awkwardly around them until they acknowledge my presence, then I'll talk, if I feel I won't be interrupting to much and they are taking to long I'd say something to get there attention.
7. I'd break the contact and look away from them.

What is this for?

1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.

"Hi, my name is MrXxx, what's your's?" I wouldn't even bother doing so at all unless I was in top form at the moment, and when I am, nothing really bothers me. I've found it not advisable to greet anyone of my own accord if I'm having a bad day, otherwise negative feelings come into play and I'm more likely to exude that negativity. I tend to prepare myself in advance to meet new people if it's a requirement I have no control over by "pumping myself up" for the event. I do not care for meeting anyone new without warning or if I'm not the one initiating contact, unless I'm already in the right frame of mind. If the contact is unexpected and happens while I'm in a withdrawn state, I tend to just be as civil as possible, but remain withdrawn.

It takes time and patience to get to know me, and that I am not really the as*hole some think I am.

2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend?

Trust. Faith, trust, and acceptance of who I am. People that practice what they preach are my friends, even if I don't agree with their ways. As long as I can count on who they are (unless the only thing I can count on is their being total dinks), that's all I need other than that they also accept who I am, even if they don't like certain aspects of me.

3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname?

I answer them first, then politely correct them. "By the way, I'm MrXxx."

4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie?

No. There are plenty of ways to be honest without hurting feelings, however this is a skill often very difficult for Aspies to learn. Blunt honesty is a common problem for most of us, but most of us can learn to overcome it, as long as we really want to.

5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background?

Get in, get what I need, and get OUT! I try not to let it bother me, but if I'm trying to speak to someone and get drowned out by a loudspeaker, it pisses me off enough that I now yell at it to "Shut up!" without regard to what anyone around me thinks about my reaction. It's annoying, and I really think I'm doing exactly what everyone around me is quietly thinking. I'm sure some people find it rude, but to me, overly loud intercoms are much ruder.

6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention?

Depends on the situation. Is there a conversation in progress? If so, I'll just approach and stand there until they acknowledge my presence. If not, I just walk up and start talking.

7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds.

Glance away. Frankly, I've studied enough about eye contact over the years to know that more than a few seconds is not really typical for most people, Aspie or not. I've read that 70% is a good target to shoot for, but that does not mean 7 seconds on, 3 seconds off. I know this, because I recall reading a study years ago that claimed to find that sustained contact for 7 seconds at a time, can indicate attraction. It it isn't reciprocated, that long of sustained contact can make the other person uncomfortable. I now maintain for about 2-3 seconds at a time, then break away, if only for a split second. Just that little breakaway seems to work well, and I can still manage about 70% overall, with those quick glances away.

Actually, because I do glance away so frequently, I may not even notice if the other person has been looking me in the eye for what would otherwise be an uncomfortably long sustained period.

I've become good enough at it that during my evaluation for AS, my psychologist stated in her report that my eye contact is normal. Accounts from my father prove it was not when I was a child.



As far as your gathering of information is concerned, I think it would be extremely helpful for you to ask the following few questions as well.

8 - How old are you?

9 - How old were you when you were diagnosed?

Those are important facts that can reveal a great deal about WHY a persons answers are what they are.

For example, I am 51, and learned for certain that I am ASD just last year. I've been ASD all of my life, and have had a lot longer to learn adaptations than many who are much younger than I. I had to "wing it" for most of my life learning to adapt, because I didn't know what was different about me.

People who learned about their ASD much younger may have some advantages I did not have. People who know, but are still quite young, have not had the time I have to learn as much. There's some important dynamics in that information.

Knowing that information can help you understand why some answers are different from others, and may lend more value to the answers.

1. I'd need a lot more detail about this scenario to tell you what would be important/not important to me or how I'd feel.....am I being introduced to someone? Am I walking down the street and I pass a stranger? Am I asking someone for directions? Am I approaching a clerk at a store? Is it the first day of some kind of class and I'm one of the first few people sitting or standing around in a room waiting for the class to begin?

The best answer I can give without more detail is: I probably wouldn't greet someone I'd never met before unless I had a reason to.....sometimes I don't "officially" greet (i.e. by saying "Hi" or "How are you") people I have met before.

2. Do you mean "determining if someone is my friend as opposed to my acquaintance?" or "determining if someone is my friend as opposed to someone who doesn't like me?"

I tend to figure that someone is my "friend as opposed to acquaintance" if they refer to me as their friend. Otherwise I can't really figure it out.

If someone is kind to me, seems to enjoy spending time with me/talking to me, and is comfortable asking me for help and telling me about themselves then I assume they are "my friend as opposed to someone who doesn't like me."

3. If someone calls me by the wrong name then I correct them.

If someone calls me by a nickname then my reaction depends on whether or not I like or understand the nickname and the other person's reason for using it. If I don't like the nickname (regardless of whether or not I understand the intent of the person using it) then I get upset and tell the person not to call me [nickname]. If I don't have a problem with the nickname but don't understand it, I try to ask them (out of curiosity) why they've chosen to call me by said nickname.

4. I wish people wouldn't lie, but I can see the value of "white lies" when the truth would cause a lot of harm to someone and the lie would not cause any. (That said, I'd rather someone tell me the truth than offer me a white lie.)

5. If I have music to block out the sensory overload of such environments and something to fidget with, I get moderately overwhelmed and agitated in short order but I'm okay....I need a lot of quiet alone-time to recover after the experience.

If I have no coping tools at my disposal to manage the sensory overload, I quickly become completely overwhelmed. I'll either refuse to talk to people or snap at them. I'll flap my arms and pace. I'll lose the ability to think, and my ability to communicate verbally steadily disappears. If I can't leave the mall within a relatively short period of time, I either shut down or I have a meltdown (usually I shut down--meltdowns happened more often than shutdowns when I was younger) and will be pretty much non-functional for the rest of the day.

6. That depends on who the person is, what the setting is, and why I want their attention.

7. Extreme discomfort. I would look away.

Extend my hand and say, "Hello. It's nice to meet you." Feelings range from boredom to anxiety. It's important that the other persons have washed their hands.


If they're nice to me.


I correct them.


Technically, no. Realistically ... "No, that dress doesn't make you look fat" is a commonly acceptable lie.


I try to hurry up and get it over with, due to too much going on.


Either introduce myself or call them by their name.


I look back and de-focus my vision so that I don't really see them, and wait for them to turn away.


These are also NT behaviors, by the way.

1. I wouldn't greet them or talk to them.
2. I don't have any.
3. Don't really understand the context of the question
4. Yes.
5. Uncomfortable, anxious, paranoid, annoyed, tense
6. Call their name
7. Mental overload and shutdown

If you are unsure what 'mental overload & shutdown' means try an experiment. (Probably best as a thought experiment unless you are really keen and a bit nuts, i don't think you will get extra credit on your paper for hospitalising yourself)

Get your favourite book of poems out, hold it in one hand and recite a poem out loud.

All good so far?

Now do the same thing but this time place your other hand on a burning hot stove. You may notice that your ability to recite poetry, engage in dialogue or do anything meaningful with your brain is somewhat impaired because of the extreme sensory overload caused by the hot stove means the only thing you are processing is 'WAAAAAAHHHHHH!! !' and anything else you are trying to think about is flooded out by the urgent need stop whatever you are doing and not be holding your hand on a hot stove.

I won't greet someone though I will return a greeting or say hi if introduced. I'll tend not to say more than "Hi, I'm Tuttle".


1. Trust
2. Are they true to themselves
3. Can I relate to them in any way or share something with them.

I will not consider someone a friend unless they're someone who I would be willing to take into my place of living and support for a year, or travel multiple hours out of my way in order to help them. I will also not consider someone a friend unless I expect the same from them. If someone has no seen me in my bad spots and not reacted negatively then it'd be very difficult for them to have gained the trust from me required for me to consider them a friend, but it occurs in some cases.


Depends on who they are and what they call me. If its someone I know better (even if not a friend via the criteria above), then I'll likely be amused. If its someone I don't know, I'll be confused.


Lie, no. Mislead - it is okay at times but not nearly as often as people do. Its absolutely okay to mislead people in a situation like the Holocaust situation mentioned before. However it should be done without making false statements, just by making statements with wrong implications by leaving different bits out.


Immediately upon entering a mall I appear to shrink multiple inches (and I start at 5'2"). I'll seem even more timid, even more shy, and even more uncomfortable. If I can I'll escape to the bookstore and hide in there because at least there are books there. If not, I'll both do whatever I can to get out of there as quickly as possible and be unable to think enough to do things like make decisions. It's a very rare situation that you'll find me in a mall, and if you find me in one then it'll be one of the smallest ones. If I'm having a particularly bad day and have to wait for someone somewhere then I would likely sit down hold my knees and rock while waiting.

It's incredibly overwhelming. Even a mall without people in it or music is overwhelming to me. Lots of people is also overwhelming. Everything feels wrong and I need to get out of there to make it not feel wrong.


Say "poke" either verbally or via text (IM, IRC,..) and/or "umm, <name>". Possibly look small and look up at them. If its my boyfriend I might en up doing things like headbutting him and acting feline, because I know how hard it is to get him to notice anything. People other than him if they don't notice me I assume they won't.


I can't really answer this question because it assumes getting someone to look me straight in the eye.

For most people, they won't manage it. If someone looks me straight int the eye I'll turn away immediately. They can look near my eyes, at which point I'll not look back, but straight in the eye it won't happen with most people.

The people who will be able to look straight into my eyes are the people who I trust most deeply, and then I'd likely be looking back. To me, letting someone look into my eyes is giving them huge power over me that people can only get if they've earned it and I can trust they won't abuse it. Otherwise, looking my my eye makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. Eyes are also creepy, even pictures of eyes are creepy. The introduction for the 5th Doctor (Dr Who) causes me to turn away and say "creepy eyes" every time.


(22 year old female, identified AS in me at 13, diagnosed at 22)

1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.
I'd say "Hi" and like LeagueGirl I'd say "I'm Beth" but I often forget the second part cause I'm so overwhelmed, even if the person has just said "Hi, I'm Georgina" and is looking at me expectantly. I basically hear about 17% of what they say if they're making eye contact with me and maybe 63% if they're for some reason looking away. So what they say is not important, it's their gaze that is. Feelings: interested, anxious, happy, overwhelmed.

2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend? If they can be themselves around me and I can be myself around them.

3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname? As taken aback as anyone if called by the wrong name. Nicknames I must say I love, it's endearing to be called something someone made up for you.

4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie? Yeah, if it preserves happiness in a sustainable way.

5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background? Timely question! I feel panicked and really worn out! If it's an outdoor mall of some sort it's way way better.

6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention? I go near them and start talking, which is weird. With most people I'll do anything to avoid saying their name. Not even a matter of closeness, a matter of... uh... I only say people's names aloud who I'm comfortable revealing all weaknesses to.

7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds. I look at them back. Nervous/interested/happy/overwhelmed. I get a lot more out of people's eyes than I do from their words. Of course maybe it's incorrect information but maybe what I get from their words is too.

1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.
Usually I wait for them to start everything and I'll answer with something like "Hi ______, I'm (insert my name here). Nice to meet you." I don't really see the point in saying "nice to meet you" or anything like that, but I will because if I don't I end up feeling like I was rude and I don't like the 'Oh my God that girl was so rude' stare that I usually get when I don't say it. Feelings: nervous, anxious, irritated that I have to go through all the socially expected stuff

2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend?
1. They treat me with respect, both to my face and behind my back. I have had many "friends" be great when they're around me, but the second I'm gone, they start bad mouthing me.
2. They have at least some similar interests to me. Most of my friends have similar tastes in music, video games and have similar moral codes.
3. They do their best to understand how my mind works and don't judge me when I do something out of the ordinary; many of my friends will stand up for me when things go wrong or will help me calm down in a bad situation, such as severe overstimulation.

3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname?
I'll correct them, but I will usually be annoyed and, unintentionally, correct them in a very angry/upset/stern sounding voice.

4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie?
I don't think its okay to lie, but I know that dishonesty is inevitable and there is no way to stop it. I would prefer that the big things aren't lied about, but small things like "Oh, sorry, I got home late from the mall because there was a traffic jam" instead of saying that you just wanted to hit one more store before they all closed don't do any real harm.

5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background?
I absolutely DETEST it. Particularly the mall near where I live because it is always crowded, it is lit with florecent lights only, there is different music in every store and the people are horribly rude. A fellow shopper will run straight into me and keep on walking without even an "Oops, sorry." I have been literally knocked over before by people and they haven't even stopped to see if I was okay. Plus between the number of people, the lights, the sounds and the music, it is an Aspie's worst nightmare in the sensory department. I usually am prone to meltdowns the day after going to the mall, whether it was for ten minutes or 4 hours (I have been dragged on 6 hour trips during the Christmas season before; now that is a nightmare).

6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention?
If I know them I'll either say something along the lines of "Hey _______," or, if they're a close friend, I'll just tap their shoulder or yell "Hey, you with the face! (insert name here for clarification)." Just as a reference "you with the face" is an inside joke with my college friends.

7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds.
I get really awkward and look away as fast as possible without seeming weird. If it is for an extended period of time I'll start to stutter and might start tapping a foot or fingers or stim in some other, fairly unnoticeable way.

I hope this helps!

Well, I never initiate conversation with someone I haven't met. They have to do it first, but I'm very happy when they do because it means they actually care enough to start a conversation with me. Most of the time, I also only reply if asked a question, so they will ask me what is my name and where I am from and why I am so far away from home. (I met a girl this weekend who seemed to already know my name and where I was from, and what I do during chemistry class. I wonder if she is attracted to me?) Anyway, next I might try to bring up an interest that they might have an opinion on, like movies or bands or sports teams, and ask what their favorite was.

I'm never sure who is my friend and who isn't anymore. What I want in a friend is someone who will always do fun stuff with me and who gives me a lot of attention. Of course I will do fun stuff with them and give them as much attention as I can. I don't understand why others don't seem to want this, it seems like a win-win situation to me.

My name is Ian (pronounced ee-in), but I've been called Ethan, Isaac, Evan, and Ian pronounced eye-in. I just correct people and move on. I would actually like a nickname as long as it wasn't derogatory. The singer in my band tried to give me a drum-related nickname, which I liked, but it never caught on.

I think it's ok sometimes, but the truth is always better. Not much more I can say about that.

It doesn't bother me most days so long as I have enough personal space. I don't like it when people get in my bubble. There was a time when the noise would get to me, but I don't think it would anymore. (Maybe I'm losing my hearing from drumming and going to concerts. )

I'm not very good at this one. I don't like touching people or calling out their name or interrupting them.

Look away. Immediately. Usually I don't even give people the chance to make eye contact for that long.

**I'm not officially diagnosed, though I'm in the process of getting that done and am almost certain I am on the spectrum.

1. Describe how you would greet another person you encounter that you've never met before, from your own perspective including your feelings during the greeting and what is important/not important to you.
I would likely not greet them unless they made the first move. If they initiated the greeting, I would follow their lead - shake their hand if they offer it, if not, I wouldn't offer mine. I have a "meeting people" script that I follow, which is: shake hand, "Hi, I'm (name), nice to meet you." and try to remember to smile. If someone does something unexpected I have a hard time adjusting to compensate for it. One time a guy decided to high five me while introducing himself and that threw me off completely and it took him reminding me to introduce myself for me to actually do it.

2. What are the most important factors to you in determining if someone is your friend?
Whether they are nice to me or not, whether they continue to associate with me.

3. How do you react if someone calls you by the wrong name, or a nickname?
I would politely ask them to call me by the name I prefer. Inside I would be uncomfortable.

4. In your opinion, is it ever ok for anyone to lie?
Very small lies like "yes you look nice in that outfit" are ok. Learned that lesson as a kid.

5. How do you react/what does it feel like if you have to walk through a crowded mall, filled with lots of shoppers and there is loud music playing in the background?
The loud music would bother me more than the crowd. I would put on headphones and walk through the mall as quickly as I could. Loud intrusive noises bother me a lot.

6. Describe what you would do and/or say to get another person's attention?
Call their name.

7. Describe your reaction if someone looks you straight in the eye for more than a few sustained seconds.
I would break eye contact and possibly try to leave the situation entirely. Sustained eye contact makes me feel like I'm going to explode. The above poster's analogy of a hand on a hot stove is accurate. If I have to make eye contact with you, I will not have processing space left to do anything else, like carry on a conversation.

Just say hi, Im __________, depending on where I met them, ask them relevant questions and try to make small talk. It depends, if I meet them in a group setting, then I'll likely just say hi and not much else



Sometimes its really hard to tell a friend from an acquitance. But Id say if I can talk to them one on one comfortbly, the person wants to talk to me enough and will seek me out if they seem me. If Ive known them for at least a month.



Doesnt bother me most of the time. Its sometimes a little awkward, doesnt happen very often



Im normally a huge truth person but theres all this NT gray area when it comes to lying which confuses me. So I dont really have an answer for this.



Doesn't bother me, I have very little sensory issues. I work at a supermarket and I'm perfectly fine. I only have mild sound problems. I've been clubbing, (that's a little overwhelming) but enjoyable mainly because blasting music is one of my exceptions for sound volume.



Say hello, tap them on the shoulder. I'm only comfortable with using a persons name unless there a close friend. But due to my job, I had learn to address people by there name. There's some discomfort like names in my mind are only deservant for people close to me.



Since Ive desensitized myself to eye contact, it doesn't bother me. When I was younger, it used to scare me.

Normally I wouldn't greet someone. If I had to, I would just say "Hi."
My feelings would include wishing that I could get away and do something more interesting than small talk.



Honesty, lack of game-playing, and respect for my right to be my own person with a lifestyle and opinions that may differ from theirs.



I don't mind nicknames unless they're deliberate insults, in which case I tell them to piss off. If they use an incorrect name I politely correct them.



I would very much prefer it if people didn't lie, but there are situations in which lying will cause fewer problems than being truthful.


It feels one of 4 ways:
1. It hurts.
2. I lose speech, visual processing and/or motor skills.
3. I dissociate.
4. All of the above.

I react by trying to get through the place as fast as possible. I also stim a bit more. If it gets too bad I stop stimming, which is a very bad sign, as it means I'll shut down very soon.



"Excuse me"




Would NTs react well to that sort of behaviour? I'd be bemused, to say the least.

Normally I wouldn't greet someone. If I had to, I would just say "Hi."
My feelings would include wishing that I could get away and do something more interesting than small talk.



Honesty, lack of game-playing, and respect for my right to be my own person with a lifestyle and opinions that may differ from theirs.



I don't mind nicknames unless they're deliberate insults, in which case I tell them to piss off. If they use an incorrect name I politely correct them.



I would very much prefer it if people didn't lie, but there are situations in which lying will cause fewer problems than being truthful.


It feels one of 4 ways:
1. It hurts.
2. I lose speech, visual processing and/or motor skills.
3. I dissociate.
4. All of the above.

I react by trying to get through the place as fast as possible. I also stim a bit more. If it gets too bad I stop stimming, which is a very bad sign, as it means I'll shut down very soon.



"Excuse me"




Would NTs react well to that sort of behaviour? I'd be bemused, to say the least.