What language are you singing in?

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I recently read an article in Psychology Today about a woman who was diagnosed with Asperger’s. I felt so connected with this woman’s daily frustrations that - half way through the article - I broke down and started crying. After I finished the article I realized we shared the same disorder.
I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, & Tourrette’s (the non palolalic/echolalic type – motor tics). After more research on Asperger’s, and reading more case studies, I felt certain that all of these disorders were actually symptoms of Asperger’s. Also, all of these disorders didn’t explain some other peculiarities, which Asperger’s does. Such as, why I never understand what to do after the teacher stops talking in biology lab/chemistry lab, or why I get lost if I don’t follow the same path to classes, or why I can go three months without talking to anyone I know when other people would go insane in that time. Or why, sometimes, during a lecture, the teacher will start singing in a foreign language.

My OCD isn’t quite OCD. My need to adhere to a strict schedule isn’t a result of OCD. I’m not afraid to follow a different path to get to class. I can follow someone else to class if they go a different way than I do without anxiety (provided they aren’t lost). But, if I go by myself, I have to follow the same path every day; if I try to get to class a different way, I get lost. Also, this fall, during mid-terms, I have been skipping sleep to study. I studied Organic Chemistry for 12 hours straight when I should have been studying for my Physics exam the next day, but I couldn’t stop myself (more on this in my dissection of ADD). On the third day without sleep, I suddenly felt very hungry. I ate an entire loaf’s worth of turkey sandwiches one after the other (later I counted, it's about 10), and didn’t think about it twice until my stomach started hurting the next day. I had been forgetting to eat, shower, brush my teeth, pee… I’m not even sure if I changed clothes.

My Social Anxiety isn’t quite Social Anxiety. I only get anxious when I’m not sure what’s going on or how I should be reacting to a situation. I’ve developed the coping strategy of using different personalities for different situations (Liane Willey, the author of Pretending to Be Normal uses this technique) and I only become anxious when I don’t have a predetermined personality to use.

My Attention Deficit isn’t even an attention deficit. Actually, it’s the opposite. I start studying what I’m supposed to be studying, but then get fascinated by some other – related – topic, and study that topic for hours and hours. So, instead of spending an hour studying Physics, I spend 30 minutes studying Physics and 3 hours studying Calculus. Which is why I spend – probably - 90 hours a week studying and barely manage to get Cs in all my classes. Now I understand why people keep asking me if I’m a genius, yet they are the ones with an A in the class.

My Tourrette’s isn’t actually Tourrette’s, it’s called ‘stimming’, and evidently a lot of people with autism do this. It’s mostly ‘hand flapping’ when I get frustrated or anxious, and sometimes a sort of (subtle?) arm-jerk or finger-jerks. The reason I say subtle is, the only person who ever said anything was my best friend since first grade -one of the few people I’m comfortable with touching me- who was holding my hand and asked why I kept jerking my arm.

The undiagnosed peculiarities were causing me the most distress, and also the main reason, I think, for my continued declining grades as courses are becoming more difficult. I have noticed that, during chemistry lab, if the teacher runs the experiment quickly I am able to copy what the teacher has done and finish just like everyone else. But, when the teacher stands at the board and talks about the experiment, I get confused and can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve spent many chemistry labs alone, the last person to finish, crying in frustration and confusion. Everyone else just seems to know what to do. I feel like I’m in an ant colony and everyone else is able to just smell and know what to do, and my smeller is broken. Also, my extreme introversion –and happiness with being extremely introverted- has been a concern of other people, but not my self. I once spent an entire summer break alone in my apartment, and I only spoke to people I had to (grocer, banker, mother). My mom was really worried that I was depressed, but it was probably the happiest time in my life. I had thought my OCD and ADD had gone away spontaneously. Which, I was a little wary of and told myself I would figure out why later. The only person that I had talked to - whom I knew - was my mother, and she called about once or twice a month to make sure I wasn’t a decaying carcass.

I’m just looking for someone who agrees with me. I’m tired of telling people that I have been entertaining the idea that I may have Asperger’s only to have them ask, ‘What’s that?’ and then their response of scoffing or laughing at me when I tell them it’s a form of autism. Excuse me, are you a psyc major? Because I am, and I’m pretty sure I’m more qualified to make a differential diagnosis than you. I have an appointment with a psychologist on Friday.

Kineticosm,

I used to basically have just about all of that, except the tic might have been just a kind of mild convulsion that probably dissappeared nearly 100% by the time I was 10. NOBODY noticed it but, if someone held my hand, they probably would have. I used to try to keep clean, and ordered, and have certain ways of doing things, that would have been considered OCD. And I am probably one of the few people you'll meet where my hands are CLEANER after going to the restroom than before. I DEFINATELY don't understand people, and HAVE been isolated a lot. As for routine? I DO have a LOT of routines! I usually eat at the same places, usually have the same thing, go the same way, etc....

HECK, one thing I will do is determine where to go, and what I need, and go into the store and, almost in one fluid step, go from entrance to exit. Just today, someone went into an isle RIGHT between me, and what I wanted. I walked into the next isle and came down the first isle on the other side of him to get the stuff I wanted.

I can change the way of doing things etc.... I even once left a store because they INTENTIONALLY switched the store around to confuse people like me. They admitted this saying they did it to encourage people to look around and find new stuff. Anyway, I didn't like that.

EVERYTIME I heard autistic symptoms, I thought THAT'S ME!! !! ! But I am FAR from stupid. I wish even a THIRD of people in government were as smart as I am, it would be a better place. When I found aspergers, that was the missing piece! It finally fit me. The US mental disabilities manual didn't agree with this diagnoses until 1996 when it was SPECIFICALLY included!

Anyway, you DO sound like you have Aspergers! I even do the SAME type of studying you do. HECK, I had a heart operation, and studied almost everything about every related thing! I am trying to learn another language, and studying more about the brain.

Autistic refers to a kind of distancing. Aut means SELF as in self absorbed. Until asperger noticed that some had MORE intelligence, that distancing was associated with a LACK of intelligence. You sound like me, and I hide all the disabilities I have. They are SUBTLE and REALLY just differences. The hiding of that makes us appear normal, even if we do seem more intelligent. They say 1 in 166 have autism. Wouldn't it be funny if it was actually higher? Edison, Tesla, and Einstein have shown similar characteristics. Who's to say they didn't have aspergers?

Steve

I had the same experience as you. Recently I felt compelled to look into Aspergers. One of the hints I had was from working with an Autistic person and realizing that I felt a similarity to him. Aspergers describes me well and the experience you have had up to this point in life are similar to mine. So I agree with your claim. I would add that we shouldn't be around anyone who would discourage us from being who we beleive we are.

Haha! It's nice to finally meet people who understand why I do things (like going around the person in your way in the store).

I always get the same thing and always go to the same places and always sit at the same table/seat. I have a hard time deciding what I want to eat, like when I go to subway I usually just tell them, 'Surprise me, but not with onions'. I get some weird looks, but it actually works.

I go back and forth between thinking I'm pretty intelligent and downright mentally ret*d. It's so hard. I scored perfect on the english section of the ACT, but I just realized why girls are always really nice to me for a while and then really mean to me (evidently they are flirting and I'm not flirting back). It's these paradoxes in my personality that I've been struggling with since I can remember.

I was at study group for physics and I said something random that I was thinking about and this girl interrupted me and said, 'Do you always think this much? Why don't you talk about things that normal boys talk about, like baseball?'. I told her I don't have a TV. But even if I did... I just don't understand what other people could be thinking about all the time...

And thanks for the support. Everyone I've told so far has either laughed at me, scoffed, or called me a drama queen (which I'm a little confused about). But I'm really hoping my psychologist doesn't do that. I hope she's open minded about it. One broad-spectrum disorder makes more sense than OCD, ADD, SAD, & Tourrette's.

Last edited by Kineticosm on 04 Nov 2006, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks, guy.

It's so weird that I'm happiest alone, but I have this really strange need to talk to people sometimes. Sometimes I really want to be connected and have deep discussions with people, and other times I'm perfectly happy being alone for super-extended periods of time. It's not that I get lonely. I think I just like intellectual discussion, and I can't do that with myself.

Yeah, I guess you could say I am trying to get back in touch with my inner aspie again! I am thinking more and more about just FORGETING about TV. It is almost like an INSTINCT! I once went an ENTIRE YEAR without TV, and remember as a little kid where I read books all night with no TV around. As for sports, I am not interested in it. One of the differences I hide, and one I am not very good about hiding. Usually people almost sense it within a year. At TIMES I have thought about ACTING like I was interested, etc... to try to get a "social life". alas, all this reminds me of all the things I have hidden SO well that even I forgot about them.

As for the "drama queen" reference. That is just a dumb way to try to embarass you or something. Frankly, if they said that to me, I would think less of THEM!

You are trying to understand yourself better, NOT attract attention,etc...

BTW to answer your question. Outside of English, I DO like German! I like Nena. One old german song that seems to fit how I feel a lot is "Heimatlos" from freddy quinn

Steve

TV shows usually leave me wondering, 'What the heck just happened?'. Unless I turn on closed captioning, then sometimes I can understand what's going on. But it's just not worth it.

As for sports, I do enjoy running (if that's a sport?). But group sports ... no way. I sometimes enjoy watching sports, and then it's a good way to make small talk. But I only make small talk when I can tell the other person is trying to 'fill the space' out of nervousness. I really don't like small talk, but I hate it when people feel this 'awkward silence' that I don't feel.

I really don't get people. Everyone seems to be self-obsessed (is this irony?). Especially guys. Guys say really mean hurtful things about you to your face [in order to make themselves the alpha male?]. Which is why I usually hang around girls, but this brings up the flirting thing, which always goes 100% completetly over my head and then I have this awkward situation where I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do or when to do it. usually girls really like me and pay close attention to me and stare at me in class for a while, then -it would seem- for no reason they stop talking to me and go out of their way to ignore me. I've only just now realized that somewhere in between making threatening eye contact in class and going out of their way to ignore me is this 'flirting', but I've never actually picked up on it. I think my confidence has gone up since then, because I realized I've been missing that all these people are actually attracted to me.

BTW

You said

What exactly did you mean by that? I skimmed through the whole thing, and reading verbatim sounds worse, though I can almost see what you are saying.

For the long studying, I HAVE done that.

I ALSO have kind of used other personalities. I STILL wince when I see people doing things that are WRONG, and I don't like. A FEW times I have walked out. When I was little, I would SWEAR OFF such places. And YEP, sometimes it meant STARVING! I even talk a bit differently. I used to almost joke about double negatives, etc.... I'm sorry, but it is only proper in perhaps SPANISH! Other languages don't allow it. In a very real way, my personality has been a reason why I have kind of come down. I USED to switch very well between speaking to a person that knew everything, and one that knew nothing. Today, my speech is probably in between and I try to explain things if I think the audience doesn't know better.

I avoid any lies, but try to fit into any culture I care to. I also told my mother about how I will try to sound upbeat even when I am depressed.

I USED to be a perfectionist and honest to a fault. These days, I try to do the best I can. Just last week, I was in a case where I, as a little kid, would have told my boss. "This guy knows nothing, and I want OFF the contract, BYE!"! For the last few weeks, I got tired of explaining it and said "OK, DO IT!"! It failed, of course, and and we had to redo it! Because someone wouldn't listen to me, I got stuck in two meetings I was trying NOT to listen to(I don't want to cloud my mind with useless DRECK), and we lost at least a man weeks worth of work! Yet I acted like some doofus that is just following "the lead". During the last 9 years, I figure about 1.5 man YEARS have been waisted because of this garbage. OH WELL, the industry standard would probably be about 8 years, so I guess I should be happy.

As I indicated earlier, the hand flapping reference sounds like a reference to a similar behaviour that is so subtle that it is hard for others to notice.

Steve