Has anyone ever felt this way....

Post Reply New Topic

....after you were diagnosed, or realized yourself that may have AS? I'm kind of at a low point right now. I've spent my whole life wondering why I can't connect with other people the way they connect with each other, even though I do have friends. Now that I'm aware of the fact that I most likely have AS (still haven't been officially diagnosed yet, so I'm reluctant to say "I have it") or some sort of NLD, I feel even more confused and bad about myself. Now I'm really not sure who my friends actually are. Not because of a trust thing, but because I'm worried that I misinterpreted most of my friendships with people, and thought that we we're closer than we actually are.

It's even more confusing because I share a house with 2 of my co-workers. Are we co-workers/acquaintances that happen to live together, or do they really consider me a friend? Of course, I'd feel like a dope actually asking them that. But I'm finding that I don't know how to behave around them, or anyone around me now. After going over all the past moments where I think having AS really came in to play, I'm starting to realize that people in my life may not view me as positively as I think they do. And it depresses the s**t out of me. I feel as though there's no way to really turn it around either, because this is how they know me.

I've been making a conscious effort to monitor my behavior now, but mostly I just keep quiet and out of people's way unless I'm certain that what ever I want to say to them doesn't come out sounding mean, confusing, or just plain dumb. I'm afraid to express myself to anyone because I don't know how to do it correctly. And although no one has ever said anything to me about my behavior, I know that they're probably thinking about it or talking about it to each other.

Has anyone else ever felt this way, and how did/do you cope with it? All I feel like doing is avoiding everybody and keeping my mouth shut until I start to get my s**t together. I'm really worried I'll end up with no close friends at all soon.

i am roughly in the same situation as you are. I believe a diagnosis is a double-edged sword, in a way it brings clarity it also brings confusion and low self belief.

http://www.anxietynetwork.com/hpositiv.html

Maybe you do need a diagnosis so you "know."

I found though shortly after diagnosis I was analysing everything I did and looking out for aspie traits and beating myself up (metaphorically) if I did something wrong socially. I also withdrew a lot more as anxious of showing traits.

I am having counselling at the place I got diagnosed and doing things like CBT and discussing aspergers issues I have. She is encouraging me that there is nothing wrong with me and I have a lot of good points and a number of these are aspie traits such as attention to detail, honesty etc. Focussing on my strong points is helping and acknowledging that maybe I do have some weaknesses but people are generally tolerant towards things like disability and sometimes I can disclose things to get their help. I am also on an anti-depressant and this has been making me feel a lot better.

I was diagnosed this summer, before which I wasn't even aware of what Aspergers even was. I was diagnosed during a psych assessment for severe depression and anxiety issues. It has been that same double-edged sword. On the plus side, I feel better that I am not the freak I thought I was, its not just me anymore, and I no longer feel the strong need to hide what separates me from the pack, so to speak.
On the other hand, before my diagnosis I was OKish; sure I have always had trouble in social situations and interacting with others, but I could still function enough to get by. Now I also find I am second guessing myself, my reactions, my relationships. I feel lately like one step forward came with two steps back. I have found it more stressful to interact with those I consider friends, and I am also unsure that they see the relationship the same as I do. I am more anxious when I am around others, and I am paranoid that I am back-sliding.
My therapist is very helpful with this, even with limited (no) experience with AS and ASD persons, she has the resources and information she and I need to keep my feet on the ground. I would definitely suggest an official diagnosis (one way or the other), then councilling/therapy. When first diagnosed, my therapist put it this way; you're not the only or first person to deal with this, and now that you know, you can use the resources made available by those who did this already.
Another reason to seek a diagnosis and possibly therapy, is that it could help with your insecurities with your 'friends'. I recently told some of the people I consider close, and they were receptive to it. I think that knowing you aren't just an introvert, or inexplicitly weird, helps NTs rationalize AS behaviour, and should prevent them from thinking you don't really like them, or you're antisocial or whatever conclusion they may have reached on their own.

I'm undiagnosed yet, but I strongly suspect I have AS. At 44yo I no longer care about not being able to connect with people, about my social weirdness and about not having friends. I'm really OK being by myself and that doesn't need to change. My main issues are frequent and overwhelming sensory overload and shutdowns, inability to multitask and severe anxiety related mainly to work. Ever since I took a more complex job with more responsibilities in my early 30s I've been getting progressively worse. The last 4-5 years were miserable, filled with nothing but suffering and frustration. I've been getting suicidal.

So I am going to seek diagnosis. I really want to know what's wrong with me. My psychiatrist has been treating me for anxiety without much success for many years. Getting diagnosed with AS will have several benefits for me. First, I will be able to ask for some reasonable accommodations at work: change in schedule, quieter office, less light, perhaps some change of job duties, more time off, etc. Second, I will be able to definitely tell some of my family members to piss off, leave me alone and stop telling me to "shake it off" and "snap out of it". Third, I will stop trying more medications since they just mess me up and instead focus on life changes. The last might require dumping my current psychiatrist, since they're all pill pushers and perhaps seek help from a psychologist and a social worker/adviser instead.

Adam

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm going to talk to someone this week. It won't be for an assessment yet, apparently those are pretty expensive, but I'm glad to finally be able to talk to someone who will listen. I'm still feeling anxious and unsure about everything. I hope my visit will at least give me a few answers. Are any of you diagnosed with NLD, or someone who is? If so, do you notice much difference between someone with NLD and AS?