Were I overreacting or did others actually avoid me?

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So I came for a physics conference, that started yesterday night. Yesterday there was a reception, and some of the people were talking to each other, others weren't talking and were sitting quietly looking around. So I figured it would be easier for me to approach one of those quiet people. But I couldn't gather courage to do so for at least an hour or more. One time I was looking at some guy sitting by himself on a table next to mine, finally I gathered a courage to say hi, but first I started getting off my seat to stand next to him, and as I started to get off my seat he left. Then eventually I went to get a wine and the girl that was selling wine started chatting to me, and we talked for 10 minutes or so, but it turned out she was an undergrad majoring in biomedical science so she didn't know anything about this conference, she was just helping out. After I finished talking to her, I finally had enough courage to approach some woman who kept videotaping and ask her if she was making a movie (thats what I wanted to do for a long time but finally I had enough courage to do it). Once again, it turned out she wasn't part of the conference, she was a wife of someone who was and was just helping out. I didn't talk to anyone other than those two. Then, after the reception, I was working on my slides till five in the morning. But the conference starts at 8. I was worried that if I put an alarm clock and wake up at 8, I would be sleeping through lectures. The afternoon lectures were more interesting than morning lectures, so from this perspective, it made sense to sleep in the morning so that I can be fully awake at the afternoon. But, on the other hand, I was thinking back to that reception and remembering how I thought it would be easier to approach people that are by themselves, so from that point of view the morning is more important since its just a beginning of the conference, people didn't form connections yet, and so I have more opportunities to do that. So I was torn between turning an alarm clock and not turning it. I decided to turn off the light, lie down, and "think about it", so as I was "thinking about it" I fell asleep and the choice against the alarm clock was basically made for me this way. Then I woke up at around 11, and I looked over the program again, and this time the morning talks looked a bit more interesting than they did the night before, so I was upset that I slept in. The other thing that happened is that I forgot to put my name tag on as I switched shirts. It turned out that the lunch tickets are on the name tag. Now, they gave me a separate lunch ticket so that I don't have to go back to get a name tag. But it still seemed a bit screwy beause everyone else were wearing name tag so it felt like I didn't belong there. In any case, I came to eat lunch late (because I was asking them the questions about name tag as well as a question as to where the job advising is -- it turned out it was at the same place as lunch but I didn't know it) so there was a line entering the room and I was at the end of the line, which means some people were still coming. But I was like literally the last person. When I walked into the room and saw all tables were full, I was standing and waiting to be seated, the waitress was standing right next to me and totally ignoring the fact that I was even present. So then I told her "don't you F--- think its F--- ridiculous that nobody is telling me where to sit" (I cussed like that because I was in a bad mood due to the name tag, being late, and all that stuff and basically decided the reason she ignored me is *because* of that) She pretended that she didn't notice my cussing and, instead, answered me as if I asked a polite question, so she said "do you want to seat yourself or do you want to be seated", I said "I want to be seated" so she walked me next to a couple of tables and gave me a choice between either of them -- well the choice was obvious since one was full and the other was half empty, so I chose the half empty one. Now, there was a big room, but those two tables were closer to the side of the room where I walked through the door, so I have no idea whether they heard my cussing or not. I mean it wasn't right next to the door, but it was basically three tables away from the door, and I imagine that when I cussed my voice was rather loud, although I avoided actually yelling across the room. In any case, the people at that table where I sat didn't talk to me. So I thought "okay let me go ahead and start a conversation, and I know exactly what I will start a conversation about: I will complain about my situation". So I asked the girl that sat next to me how come the lunch tickets were different color and she said its because she chose vegeterian option, I told her that "I have food preferences too but I forgot my name tag so they gave me a generic ticket" (by food preferences I was referring to kosher, but I didn't actually say that, so she assumed I was vegeterian) so she said after some pause "the whole thing is the same except for a couple of dishes". Then when waitress came (it happened to be the same waitress on which I cussed) I told her the same thing and she also asked if I was vegeterian, I said "no I am kosher" so she actually gave me kosher meal, so that was good. I then told that girl that was sitting next to me "I have a bad start for the whole day, I overslept, I missed the morning lectures, and I don't have a name tag". She just said "okay" and thats it. So that made me even more upset I thought "wow I just tried talking to someone for once and they ignore me". Now, duringh the lunch they had career advising where someone was talking on the microphone about career options (thats not how I pictured it, I thought htat each person would be coming to ask individual questions, which is why I assumed it was in a different room from lunch) so that was an excuse for people to "mostly" listen to him rather than talk to each other. But occasionally they did talk to each other -- but not to me. So each time they would talk, I would give them angry look, because I was agitated they weren't talking to me -- like the girl sitting next to me would talk to a guy who sits two seats away from her, but not to me, even though I started talking to her. So when I was giving them angry look they would stop talking. I am not sure if they just assumed I was upset they didn't let me hear the presentations or what they assumed. In reality I didn't even listen to the presentation I didn't care, I was just obsessing about them not talking to me. Anyway, once the presentations were over, they all left the table, and barely said goodbye to me -- they only said goodbye when I asked them where are they going and they said "we are leaving early". There were some other people that left early too from other tables. But still like two thirds of them stayed, only one third left early, but from my talbe everyone left. This kinda made me wonder if they left to avoid me, although its possible they all came together and had the same plans, I mean I don't know since I weren't there in the beginning of lunch. So yeah I am just upset by how today went.

From my perspective, you are obsessing over the wrong things. Generally you go to a conference to hear talks or to give talks. There are times for socializing but that is not the main point of the conference. It seems like most people who interacted with you were very polite. They answered your questions. But swearing out loud at a physics conference seems unacceptable, a bit over the line.

Many of the individuals seated by themselves were probably introverts. They were probably uncomfortable socializing. If you want to talk with the other physicist in the room you might begin with "What is your specialization?" "What are you working on?" "Are you giving a presentation?" If they are young "what school are you going to", or older "what school did you go to?" "What company are you working for?"

Last edited by jimmy m on 23 Jul 2018, 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I do plan to give talk (my talk is on Thursday) which is precisely why I went to bed at 5 AM on the first place (I was working on my talk).

That being said, it doesn't negate the importance of socializing. Isn't forming connections part of the point of the conference too? I always thought the point of the conference is a combination of several things, one being talks and the other is forming connections.

But if you are going to start up a conversation don't lead in with "I overslept", "I forgot my name tag." "don't you F--- think its F--- ridiculous that nobody is telling me where to sit".

Stay on target. This is a business conference. So discuss business. If you form a link, it is then O.K. to move off into more personal topics. But at the beginning stay on topic.

Also you might begin a conversation by introducing yourself and giving them a firm handshake. Something like "Hello I'm XXXX and I go to the University of XXX.

Start out the conversation about them and what they do, and not about you. See if you can find a connection.

I think others have said what I was going to say, which is people had a lot on their minds. There is also the possibility that many were far from strangers and already knew each other from articles or video-conferences and such (since each might have been wearing a badge that gave their name.)

I would say in such a situation it is often useful to have a prop, as in the theatre. I often find a newspaper is useful since I solve the crossword or other puzzle. A meal is not useful since it can mark your territory or space and people won't disturb you. A newspaper is good because you look off-duty and you can set it down on a table and catch people's eye and nod at them as they pass. I often think that in these situations people are either looking for people they know or else they are looking for some time-out. A newspaper is better than a journal, which I thinkis too formal.

The few conferences I have been to have been difficult. But when I had given up trying to socialise and I've read a newspaper and ordered a coffee or tea then I appeared so worn out that I looked like someone who knew their way around the place, that's when people came and talked.

I find that throwing a jacket or coat over a chair and reading a newspaper is good. It indicates you are having a time out. You look like you've been there a while and you know your way around the place, which reassures others who might have questions.

A meal simply marks territory and is sort of a barrier really. A journal is not as good a s newspaper since it suggests you are busy.

I think that at specialised events people might be reading name badges and linking with people they already know or else people they want to know. It is something I did not account for when I went to a conference many years ago.