I have a question for an Aspie, can you help me?

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Hello, I'm a quiet person, and an NT. Last year my aspie husband and I decided to stay married but live seperately. So we moved from our apartment to different addresses, we visit one another on weekends. I didn't know back then he was an aspie. I did not want to lose him, although he had become physically abusing towards me, when he experienced a meltdown.
Six months ago and relaxed, I started noticing more unusual behavior. He seldom talked about anything, he was depressed and demanded I stop talking, unless I had something important to announce. I'm already a very quiet person. If I'd merely ask him what he wanted to eat, he wouldn't answer, so I'd suggest a food item, then if he didn't like it, he would mumble" huh huh", or "mm..mm" like a child, so I would know which food he wanted . He would also cover his head with a hoodie and a blanket.
Other things didn't make any sense, he became very stubborn, to the extent of losing his job, however he couldn't keep a job for long, I noticed. I decided to look into the problem, that is when I discovered he was born with Aspergers Syndrome. My friend Janet is a psych nurse diagnosed his Asperger. I then wanted to research as much as possible so I could help him.
My question is this: Do you know if Aspies ever become physically violent, if so, what can an NT do? Should I give him more space, and time alone? He is 40 years of age. Where does that temper come from? Is it common in aspies?

I wouldn't say violence is common in aspies, but in hindsight the third real meltdown I have had in my life directly led to my divorce. I was working in California, she was at home in North Carolina. I was depressed and upset over the distance, under the influence of Ambien, and I sent an angry email to her one night, then followed with another. I really don't have any memory of it, and I don't recommend Ambien to anyone for that very reason.

My previous meltdown was after I was incorrectly fired from an Electronic Arts subsidiary called Digital Anvil in Austin, Texas. I could have got my job back, but I sent an email critiquing the movie we were doing that the time "Wing Commander". I said it sucked, but unfortunately the email went worldwide through EA's email system, I meant it to go to one person. Oh well...

Before that, I can't quite remember what caused it.

I just got on this site. I don't know if violence is caused by Autism. I don't think so. I think it is just the feeling of being alone. The brain does not work the same. the world is viewed differently. Specifically when it comes to understanding how others feel. I strongly suggest helping him to discover this site. I also suggest being very careful how you go about this. mabey try to encourage him to find it on his own (somehow get him to read the full winkipedia article on aspergers). If your friend is right the first step, I think, is for him to accept that he has this condition. good luck.

As a person with AS, I can tell you that whether a person has AS or not, there is no excuse for being physically abusive towards a spouse.

It is not something that should be tolerated because even if you are of the opinion that he can't help it, at 40 years old he should have found a way to help it by now, and you shouldn't put yourself in the situation of getting hurt since he hasn't.

There are numerous lonely men on here with AS and I doubt that the most of them would ever be physically abusive towards a spouse.

As others have said, their is no excuse for being violent. That being said, most of us can turn violent if pushed hard enough, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

One of the main characteristic of having AS is dificulty communicating how you feel. Imagine being in the situation where everyone takes whatever you say and twists it into something evil or wrong. It doesn't matter what you say, you are always being accused of saying the wrong thing, or having the wrong motivation. He thinks differently then others, reasons through his problems from a different point of view, but that doesn't mean that what he wants and what he desires is any different then anyone else. So, think about how frustrated he is, he is locked in a world where no one understands him. He has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point accross is through violence.

One example is convincing someone to help you. Usually when you ask for help you have to explain to someone why you need that help. Because whe problem solve in a different way, it is hard to convince someone that your conclusion on how to solve the problem is correct, so you have to explain from start to finish, going through extreme detail all the reasons why your solution is the correct one. It doesn't matter how many times I have proven myself right, it feels as if I always have to give reason after reason after reason why my idea is correct before anyone listens to me. Many times even after all the explaining, they are still not convinced. Most of the time I either give up and try and struggle on my own, or I get so frustrated that I start yelling at the person to just do what I say.

If you look at it simply from the point of view of how to get people to help you, asking nicely never seems to work for me. I usually end up having to yell at people to get them to listen to me. This is why I have finally given up and stopped asking people for help.

Your husband sounds like a dickhead, miss. Sounds dangerous to me. I would be careful.

it is possible for AS meltdowns to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them.
generally, the best way to handle such a situation is, indeed, giving the person some space and time to calm down a bit.

Refer him to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Then, GET AWAY. If he has abused you, you have a right and a responsibility to leave him. Don't let your feelings for him get in the way of you seeing how terrible what he is doing is.

I don't think what I've gone through is anywhere near as bad as what you're going through, but my ex was emotionally/sexually abusive and eventually tried to kill me and I still thought he was good and cared about me. It cost me dearly. I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

Asperger's Syndrome is NOT an excuse for violence.

sounds to me like he is depressed (withdrawal and irritability) on top of the asperger's. tell him if he hits you again it is over and stick to it. encourage him to get help in the meantime.

What seems to trigger his violence?

I like having my own space too, but I would expect to live in the same house as my Wife, so long as I had a room to retreat to when I want to.

I am very aware of my temper and have never assaulted anyone. I tend to exit stage left if I feel that someone is starting to push my buttons.

If he has hit you, then you need to think about leaving him. If I get really angry, I'll take it out on objects. Aspergers is no excuse, as he can just as easily punch the fridge than punch you, or go for a walk.