NT's communicating with AS/ASD

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How do you explain to NT's 'this is how you should communicate with me'?

Things such as...
- Don't assume that you can talk on my behalf.
- Don't assume that the answer I've given you is the whole story.
- If I'm focused on something else, don't ask me questions that involve my making decisions.
- If you have problems getting information out of me face-to-face, try another form of communication like email.
- Don't ask me questions that require descriptive answers, ask me simple questions so I know how to start the answer.
- When I am feeling upset about something I cannot respond, pushing me to answer will just make the situation worse.

Bonus question; Can anyone think of any other examples?

If I am having problems talking to someone, particularly if I am unhappy or otherwise distracted, then I cannot explain this to people, and although you could try to explain this when first meeting someone it tends to be that people don't remember - unless you deal with me on a regular basis it may be hard to spot when I'm having an 'aspie moment' so hard to know when communication may be a problem - so, how do you communicate that you're having communication problems to a person trying to communicate with you???

Wow, that sounds very demanding/controlling. Why not allow the NT to "get it" by experience with you?

Best answer I have is to do it in text. I've been debating writing blog posts about AS to increase awareness in my social group in areas such as that. Even people not on the spectrum process some information better in text.

I have only one rule:

Don't talk like a Valley Girl when speaking to me, because of what's between my legs, because I feel more male than I do female.

Please take me as literally as possible.

Lol, man, your posts have always confused me because you *seem* to be very feminine, but your profile states you're male. The confusion is over now, finally.

[img][img]http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee403/BHS_SHARK_ATTACK/zipperemoticon.jpg[/img][/img]

Printed 3 x 4 inches

Got a small collection of these flash cards. A friend recommended it since i can't talk when distressed. Strangers trying to involve me in a conversation are pure distress. If i would say "I don't talk to you" they'd start a discussion. Perfect solution, i show them the appropriate flash card.

If I push you away when you touch me or hug me, it does not mean I don't like you, I just don't want to be touched or hugged

If I tell you to leave me alone, I mean it. I do not mean "Don't leave me alone and try and comfort me."

Take me as literal as possible, I usually say what I mean

When you complain about your problems and I give you a solution to them, it does not mean I don't care and I am telling you to shut up, I am caring by helping you solve your problems

If you are complaining about your problems to me and I say nothing, it's not that I don't care, I just have nothing to say and have no solutions to your issues

If I am focused on something and you interrupt me, don't assume I am being rude on purpose and being a b***h too on purpose, I just have a hard time shifting from one task to another so it makes me cranky when it's forced and I have a hard time putting my focus on that you're giving me. I just want to get back to what I am doing and deal with that later

If I am not looking at you, don't assume I am not listening

If you are asking me questions and I am giving you short answers, don't assume I don't want to talk to you and that I don't like you. If you wanna know more, just keep asking more questions for more details you want to hear

(In a restaurant) If I am at the table playing my game or something, don't assume I am doing it to be rude, it's something I need to do to occupy my mind and cope in the social situation so all the talking around me doesn't give me a sensory overload and it keeps me from getting bored and you don't want to see me bored

That doesn't always work because they are still ignorant and never get it. I think the OP's are reasonable. It's all about understanding.

@MountainLaurel, sorry but you don't get the point.

NTs can become highly intrusive and virtually try to force a communication on you.

As an AS person, i am NOT into small talk or ambiguous questions/chatting. Furthermore, i don't make eye contact or look at people at all. Also i do not have any conversation with strangers more than hello, please, thank you, goodbye, and feel confused, annoyed, or even threatened when they try to force any kind of contact on me.

If i don't talk to a person, but they insist on it instead of leaving me alone, it can lead to a meltdown, depending on the circumstances. This is no fun at all and i try to avoid it.

You should consider that the possibilities and communication skills of an AS person are fundamentally different from NT's. Allowing someone to experience it with me can end up in a catastrophe since i can become verbally abusive when pushed in a corner.

It actually happened to me on more than one occasion when my ex girlfriend insisted on talking to me. I couldn't restrain myself from saying utterly rude words to her.

When I don't look in your eyes, don't assume I'm lying... I might as well be upset, aggravated, anxious, or nervous...

I am NT and am basing my answer off what would be most helpful to me if I were trying to communicate with you in person and failing.

If this is an action plan rather than a vent, I suggest a small card to hand to people. It should have a few simple instructions. These few simple instructions can't cover every eventuality but you need this to be something that somebody can read and implement in a few seconds and with no further instructions. I have had deaf people hand me a card like that which simply said they are deaf and need me to communicate in writing, then handed me a paper and pen or alternatively said they are lip reading and need me to face them when speaking. Simple instructions to understand and follow.

I do not recommend putting "Don't assume that the answer I've given you is the whole story" on this card. It's true. However a person who attempts to implement this will wind up trying to get more information out of you. This will conflict with the other instructions such as the one saying not to push you to answer when you are upset.

Word the instructions as simply as possible so a person can read and implement them in seconds with no further clarification. Word them as something the person should do. An instruction that starts "don't assume..." doesn't tell the person what they should do instead. In contrast, the instruction, to use another form of communication such as email is something a person can go and do. Somebody else's post had the positive instruction "take what I say literally".

This technique of giving instructions for what a person should do, rather than for what they should not do, is taken straight from parenting books. Parents are advised to tell their kids what they should do, rather than telling them what they shouldn't do and making the kid go through the extra step iof trying to figure out what they should be doing instead (and often getting that wrong.) A parenting example would be to reword "don't leave your room messy" as " pick your toys up off the floor and put them in the toy box."

From your list, "When I am feeling upset about something I cannot respond, pushing me to answer will make the situation worse" could be reworded as "When I am feeling upset about something I cannot respond. Leave me alone and I will be able to respond after I have regained my calm." Is that what you would want somebody to do? If it's not, then that illustrates the problem. I had to guess what I should do if I am around you when you are upset based on the "don't push.." instruction. Maybe I guessed right but maybe I guessed wrong. If you tell people what they should do, they won't have to guess.

^ this.

It's a fundamental difference in how we behave and communicate - an NT can spend forever with an aspie, but may only come to understand some of our differences through cause and effect, NT's need us to explain our differences to them and vice versa. For example when I have a meltdown I cry uncontrollably, an NT's reaction to this is to try to talk to you to comfort you and find out what is wrong or how they can help, but to us this may be far more upsetting...how can an NT know that unless we can tell them beforehand?

I'm NT and your items I copied above, seem just plain common sense and healthy boundaries to me. I practice this with everyone, without exception. In other words, I don't assume to speak for anyone except myself. I don't interrupt anyone when they're focused on something else...
To do otherwise is counterproductive.

I'm not sure that you can teach anyone who doesn't have these very basic communication concepts and interpersonal boundaries already!? But if you feel you must try, I think you'd have the best chance of success by doing it on a case by case basis and you'd have to do it after the fact (like on some day afterward).

I'd love to have NTs say what they mean and mean what they say.

As someone said earlier ... in text.

I use my iPhone and type message to show them: "Sorry I'm having trouble speaking right now", or whatever might be most appropriate to the situation at hand.

If it's important, or still bothering me after the fact (which it usually does because I have trouble letting go after an interaction has gone badly and I have been misunderstood), I will explain further in a email.

Some people choose to take on board what I say in that email and communication with them improves, and others don't. I can't control that. But at least it is a way to communicate my needs.