I work with an autistic girl, am I doing the right thing?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm seventeen years old, and for four years of my life I've dedicated my time with working with children diagnosed with autism. Three years ago I was hired by the parents of one of these children to continue working with their child because I did such a great job breaking her out of her little world. I've been working for them ever since, going for 3 hours Saturday and Sunday every weekend. She was four years old when I began working with her, and now she's seven.

She isn't quite as severe as other kids I've worked with; in fact, she's more Aspergers than autistic. She's incredibly smart, but she has some trouble with social communication, like she'll use lines from movies or books to respond instead of coming up with her own lines. It was my understanding that my job was to break her out of that habit, to prepare her for interacting with the real world.

The first few years working with her, I had no problems. There was the occasional misstep where I'd say something sarcastic, and she wouldn't understand, but after I'd explain the meaning she'd laugh and use the same phrase over and over. I really was making progress with her.

Now, I've noticed, she's got a new habit -- getting me in trouble. I've noticed that when I do something she doesn't approve of, instead of telling me like she usually does, she'll tell me to "repeat" it and get her mother in the room and begin crying. It would take a very long and complicated explanation to calm her down. These incidents have been growing more and more each time I encounter them, and I'm beginning to grow frustrated.

The latest incident was last week; she had an older friend over, and I was playing with both of them. This friend was not autistic. The game we were playing was a "play" the girl I work with created, and the friend complained to me that they played the same play over six times the day before, and she was a bit bored. I sympathized with her; I'd been playing the same play for six months. So we decided to try to get her to change it, just a little bit. She continued to stay stubborn, saying that we have to follow her rules or else we couldn't play with her at all. I used the same technique I've been using for three years in this sort of situation: she has a number of books that show unacceptable behavior and explain why it's unacceptable. I picked out the "bossy" book, and had her read it. She completely understood it and apologized, and we continued playing her play, but just a little different, and we had fun.

Fifteen minutes later, her parents called us down for lunch. Everything was fine until she saw her mother... She began crying and sobbing, saying that we hated her and that we didn't want to be her friend and other variations like that. Her mother chewed me out, saying that I can't continue upsetting her, and I just explained that I just used the same technique I've been using since I started working with her, but her mother said I just don't understand her, etc. It really... really frustrated me.

My theory is that she's picked up this sort of "tattletale" behavior from school. She doesn't attend special needs classes, she goes to regular first grade with regular children, and I believe she's trying to emulate their behavior. Also, her parents recently had a baby, and I believe she's reverting to baby-like behavior to gain their attention. This works because they'll give into any whim she has; whether it's play time or a new toy she really, really, really wants, they give in. I've actually heard her say during one of her crying fits that "mommy and daddy don't love me either because they don't buy me things I want" and her mother retaliated with "Oh, we love you! We'll go out and get that new Lalaloopsie doll that you've been wanting."

I know that working and living with autistic children are two different things. I also know I have no right to judge their way of parenting, but I have the feeling they're almost spoiling their child. I firmly believe that I shouldn't give her any slack just because she's a little slow... I treat, and have been treating, her as if she's any other child. Just because she's special doesn't mean she should be treated special... because that's not how the real world works. Of course, I mean that I won't use her autism as an excuse for her behavior. I want to break her of this habit. I want to prepare her for the real world, but her parents want to keep things all rainbows and kittens. In short, am I doing the right thing? LIke I said, I've been using this technique for years and it's always worked up until now. What should I do? Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my plight, and I'm looking forward to answers.

I think your doing the right thing, even if she hates it, she needs to understand certain things and she will be a lot happier once she understands them. Just my opinion based on my expience with myself. Of course, I am/was older than her (I was diagnosed at and more mature than her, and we are different people, so who knows.

Well you have to understand she is an individual person, and anyone might start feeling bad if they are constantly criticized for exibiting behavior that makes sense to them.....I mean what exactly is your goal with her? Chances are she can't be pushed into thinking/behaving exactly like Neurotypical kids.......so if you try and push someone in that box its probably natural for them to start pushing back if that makes any sense.

Also, I am sure towards the end where you were talking about how you don't think you should give her any slack because she's a little slow.....I am sure you probably have good intentions, but try to understand her side of it. I mean she might need a little slack if she's 'a little slow'. Basically my point being you do have to take her difficulties into consideration........you can't approach it with a 'well I'm going to hold this person to the exact same expectations I would have for someone without autism' attitude or it probably will cause some problems.

But yeah what is your goal with working with her, maybe I could think of more advice if I know more specifically what you're aiming for.

While I personally agree with your approach I think the phrase you are looking for is 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'.

No offense, but how much training do you have working with kids with autism? Not experience, but training. I don't think a 17yo should be modifying behavior. People go to school for many years to learn how to do that...

Sorry; I don't meant to sound harsh as I know your heart is in the right place... but would you want a nurse's aide doing heart surgery? Go to school, get a Master's, then do behavior modification.

I'm with SuperTrouper on this. You're 17 now, so you were only 14 years old when you started "working" with this girl. Are you sure you're not overstepping the mark here?
It just seems more likely to me, given your age, that the parents see your role as babysitter and play companion for their daughter.

You are not qualified to be anything more than that, and from what you say here you don't seem to accept that this little girl does have particular needs which should be carefully and thoughtfully accommodated within a wider, agreed and understood plan.

If you have a duty of care to a child, then reprimanding them for bad behavior is part of that. If her parents don't understand that, and it sounds like they don't, then believe me there plenty more well meaning parents with children needing your care.

But before you throw in the towel, have a talk with her parents and explain to them her behavior has changed, and that you are concernd about her. If she is as smart as you say, she knows what she's doing, and she needs to get it through her head that this is not acceptable behavior and needs to be called out. If her parents still expect you to let the girl walk all over you, then leave. You don't need this, and autism is NOT an excuse for intentional bad behavior.

I think what you are doing is great though. Not many people your age have the patience to work with the disabled, keep up the good work.

_________________
http://defeatingthedoginthedaytime.blogspot.com/

the trials and tribulations of a girl pretending to be normal

Doing something wrong......and doing something abnormally or differently are two different things though, so its important to keep that in mind. I guess I did not see the bad behavior so much as a little kid being a little kid and having some trouble with interaction with others as is common on the spectrum......Not to mention it has already been pointed out but maybe a 17 year old without formal training for working with autistic kids might not always know what's best.

It can be hard to know where the autism starts and where the little kid ends, but what she is describing is fairly common behavior in children her age, and they all have to have the 'when you tattle on your friend, you are tattling on yourself" talk *cue brady bunch music* this behavior is premeditated, and it is deceitful. It doesn't mean she's a bad girl, most likely she's feeling insecure and doesn't know how to get attention in a positive way. With a bit of direction most kids grow out of it, and I'm sure she can too, there just needs to be good communication between parents and other caregivers. If the parents want to take the 'yell at the problem until it goes away' approach, they won't get anywhere.

And I disagree that just because Brittninja is 17 she shouldn't work with disabled children. it sounds like she has more of a mentoring role, in which case the most important assets are empathy and experience which parents find much more valuable that a diploma. Hell, most of the work done in homes for the elderly and disabled are done by teenagers whos seem to be efficient and well loved members of staff. If she wanted to be a nurse or special ed teacher, then yes she would need to go to school but for this? Nah. In my experience parents do prefer mentors and teachers aides to be younger anyway, I guess they feel they could understand them better.

_________________
http://defeatingthedoginthedaytime.blogspot.com/

the trials and tribulations of a girl pretending to be normal

Well yeah I think the OP should talk to the parents, and the parents should take what she says into consideration, I mean yeah little kids do sometimes exageratte things for attention, so the parents need to be concious of that for sure.

In a way it is a good thing that she is behaving like this.

It demonstrates that she is starting to understand that she can manipulate people, her ToM is developing. Still doesn't mean that she isn't being a naughty little madam though.

I would suggest having a talk with the little girl you work with, explaining your concern in understandable analogies. You can teach her what is socially acceptable, but she thinks differently because she's autistic. Also keep in mind that she is seven, and children around that age can get really pushy with new ideas they receive. Also explain to her that her parents love her no matter what, but they need to attend to the baby because her younger sibling can't do things on their own like she can.

Also have a deep pool of patience, that really helps.

All children are incredibly manipulative. Sounds like her parents are suckers, so nothing will change unless you take the lead. I'd leave. You're 17, you can't take care of a whole family.

There may be some emotional manipulation going on here...most children/individuals reach that 'discovery' at some point or another, but! There may also be a kind of 'delayed reaction' going on here, too. I know for me, even at the 'adult' age I am, I will suspend certain displays of emotion (such as crying or laughing) until I can get to a physical place where I feel 'safe' enough to express (such as in my room to cry or waiting for somebody to leave so I can laugh at their foolishness). Others almost never know I'm delaying expression. That doesn't have to necessarily 'default' into being labeled 'manipulative behavior' on my part, though.

The girl being described by the OP MIGHT be doing something similar -- waiting for circumstances to change enough so that she feels safe or reassured by familiarity before she emotes feelings that are 'tricky' or nearly impossible to navigate. If that's the case, a potential 'resolution' could include helping the girl learn another 'set of circumstances' in which to feel safe enough to more immediately share the 'harder' reactions with the more relevant person/s...the person/s who were direct participants in the situation causing her upset. 'Resolution' could also include a 'caretaker' fine-tuning their perception of the 'caretakee's' emotional state of being. It may be that there are some 'clues' of agitation being overlooked or missed, somehow. Some of my own 'clues' are subtle and may include a new level of physical 'stillness', a change in eyebrow slant, or a general air of distraction.

One caution I would add: Just because a 'technique' has been used/been successful for some given amount of time DOES NOT MEAN IT WILL STAY 'EFFECTIVE'. What may have 'worked' with a person three years ago may easily become 'obsolete' or 'outdated' and, frankly, easily could become so in less than three MONTHS. It doesn't have to mean there's a fault to be found with any one 'technique' any more than there's fault to be found with the one(s) the 'technique' is being applied to.

Thanks everyone for the feed back!I've gotten some really great replies. I just want to make a few things clear for the future...

I understand that I don't have the power to say that her parents are wrong or that she herself is wrong. I just need a way to help her... I am getting paid to WORK with this girl; I'm not babysitting her, I'm working with her. 3 hours a day, two days a week, $7 dollars an hour. I want to earn that money, not be paid to play with her. That's why I'm trying to discipline her, to try to get her to understand the world and what she's doing wrong. I'm not putting her in timeout or blatantly tell her she's being bad when she is, I just try to calmly talk to her that I don't like what she's doing, and that we should try to do something else.

However, when I do that, that's when she gets upset and calls mommy on me.

Another example of her behavior.. She has a very hard time going "last" in a game, or any situation. My understanding is that being last is a "bad" thing, that you're losing, etc. And I understand this behavior and I try to work with it, to make her understand. When she becomes upset, I talk to her and try to make her tell me whats bothering me. This method takes a long time, but it does work.

However, I've noticed that she's gotten into the habit of hitting/pulling/yanking objects out of my hands when this happens. And this is the sort of behavior that I believe she developed from school and that I will not tolerate this sort of behavior. I want to try to fix this.