Sometimes relieved by group vs. 1 on 1 interaction ?

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Hi,

I am still trying to find out whether I have an ASD or not and I noticed a behavioral pattern / anxiety-avoidance strategy I wonder if other people have.

When I want to communicate with someone about something I have no problem with, I find 1-on-1 interaction (physical or otherwise) more comfortable than anything else. However, I sometimes find myself in a situation where I am alone with someone and I don't have anything to say and/or I am expecting strssful smalltalk or a demanding discussion on topics like emotions or relationships. In these conditions I can become quite anxious, and if it would be impossible or grossly rude to just leave the person and be alone, I will try to flee in the opposite direction and get me and the other person to get *more* company. The rationale is that instead of being at the center of a stressful 1-on-1 interaction, I can remain at the periphery of a group interaction and mostly let the other people socialize together while I only answer the occasional question and can relax a bit. Like most avoidance strategies it does not work very well since it is mostly putting off problems. But I was wondering if other people tend to do that too.

Well, I do best at 1-1 where I have something to say, followed by group meetings where I am engaged, followed by groups where I am not engaged, and finally 1-1 where I don't have anything to say. 1-1's are good to get to meet the other person, and it is possible to talk about common topics in-depth, and that's my element. Group conversations reduce the pressure on myself, but if I find a really interesting topic with a few other people we can't really talk about it without alienating the others. The last one is a nightmare, although the thought that it is as much the other person's fault as my own helps.

I can "hide" in a group and get away with siting quietly, whereas in one-on-one I need to have something to say. In most cases, I do OK in one-on-one interaction where I have something to say or if the topic of conversation piques my interest. If that isn't the case, though, one-on-one interactions can be taxing and difficult.

I clearly agree that as long as you have something to say and interesting and interested people, 1-1 interaction is the best. But otherwise I prefer "hiding" into a group to staying in a "wrong" kind of 1-1 interaction. I have difficulties feeling "engaged" in any kind of group interaction. I would love it, but feeling completely at ease in a group of people is something I dearly long for but have rarely experimented, except maybe in my family during childhood. Even if the group is not hostile or judgemental there is always some barrier to understanding.

I feel quite at ease in events like concerts, speeches, movies, opera and theater plays because everyone is focused on the same thing, and I feel at that moment I can share some emotions with other people. Good concerts especially are great, I feel like I am connected with the musicians, the other people are too, and we are all part of a whole for once! It is among the most powerful enjoyable emotional experience I have had.

(You have to be careful for that kind of thing because it is putting one person in control of the whole group. But for art it's great.)

I often times prefer being on this periphery you describe. As it is easier to just listen and follow along (and not be responsible for carrying the conversation).

I also find maintaining a 1-on-1 interaction for a lengthy period of time (anything more than several minutes) can be quite difficult. I simply run out of things to say. Unless I know the person fairly well. There’s not much in my life that is on interest to others. That was true when I was younger. And it remains true today. Also, I am not up on the latest fads and stuff (e.g. I don’t really watch television shows), which seems to be a common topic for conversation. Most of my conversations involve asking questions (despite the fact that I have been told numerous times that this can annoy people quickly). So, unless we happen upon some topic that the other person is interested in talking about for a long period of time, my 1-on-1 interactions typically end in frustration (for me).

With that being said, I am not convinced this is entirely an Aspie thing. Based upon some other threads on WP, it seems like this is could also be typical behavior for older Male NTs. I honestly have no clue.

If it's someone I really like I prefer to be one on one. But with I don't know that well or don't like very much I would rather be in a group. That way I can drift in and out of the conversation. I can only pay close attention to someone I like a lot.