Difference between joining in and butting in?

Post Reply New Topic

I can't make out this. I've been told before that I ''look over people's shoulders'', which means I cotton onto conversations what I'm not a part of, then ''intrude'' into the conversation. I don't do this if the conversation is private, but if it's what I call an ''open conversation'', sometimes I like to join in, but that's evidentally still wrong.

The other day at my volunteer job, I was eating my lunch and a group of about 2 or 3 other volunteers there were talking about how many cousins they had. I thought the conversation was quite fun to listen to, and I have a lot of cousins but I thought twice and thought ''no I'd better not open my mouth'', and so I sat there quietly, just in case I get those looks again what I got before, what tell me ''we wasn't talking to you''. But I bet if there were somebody else sitting there and they joined in and said how many cousins they've got, they would have got listened to and invited into the conversation nicely.

And I'm not the type to interrupt people mid-sentence. In fact, people do that to me. But I don't do it to people. I'm good at waiting for a gap, then I say something, and it's always relavent to what they're saying. I just know I do it appropriately because I witness other people doing it all the time the same way I would, but people still accuse me of butting in. Christ, didn't know NTs were so sensitive!

And then people wonder why I sit there quietly all the time. What is the difference between joining in and butting in? How am I supposed to know when I'm joining in and when I'm butting in? Other people just throw themselves into even private conversations, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong in them doing it, but if I just throw myself into a small conversation, I get yelled at.

that's just another reason i'm a hermit.

this is a quite difficult thing, but there are a few rules-of-thumb you can use in these situations.
firstly is the group structure; usually the way they are standing/sitting shows you whether it would be rude or not to join in on the coversation.
if the group is standing close together, almost touching each other, it is a private group, but often if they are standing apart far enough to fit about half a person in between 2 group members (average over the full group), it is semi-open, and you can try joining the conversation.
when sitting, it is harder, but the best seen by looking at the people at the edges of the group; if they turn on their seats and lean towards the centre, it's the close group again, and joining will be rude.

then for when to, a scilence of about 5 or 6 seconds is usually safe to assume a stall in the conversation, where everyone is trying to think of a new comment or topic, at which point you can offer your own, if you happen to stand/sit close by.
best would be to comment on the topic they just had instead of starting a new one though.

This is actually something that I've always had alot of difficulty with as well. It has been my experiences that what izzeme said is pretty accurate! Also how well you know the people is important too, as usually with people that you know relatively well they won't mind very much in you join in (if you aren't sure you can always begin by saying something like, "I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but overhear....). Basically I think that if you've kind of been "eavesdropping" on a conversation then I think it is best to stay out of it, but if you are right next to a group or have been associating with them a bit then it is considered more acceptable to join in.

i'd like to know this too!

This is a mystery to me.


There are obviously social rules about when to do it and when not to and I just haven't figured that out yet so I don't join in any conversations. Of course I don't do it to strangers out in public like on the bus.

This is what I tend to do as well, I am never quite sure how to go about it so i will wait until an opening and throw out a comment...IF I know the people and know their favourite sport is not "stick the glass bottle in someones face"

I think because NTs are more sensitive to social hierarchies our comments may look like we are trespassing?

I have often found asking if you can comment does the trick, most people will be too afraid to tell you "no",

It's NOT you. Well, it is, but it isn't.

It took me many years to figure this one out. When people are having a conversation in the workplace, loud enough so everyone in the room can hear it, it IS an open conversation, which means anyone can join in.

If they're acting like you are butting in, it isn't you butting in. It's them being uncomfortable with you. There is something about you, your demeanor, and your conversational style they don't like. In effect, they're being exclusionary. They're being rude.

I couldn't tell you what it is about you that makes them uncomfortable other than that you probably don't have enough practice diving into conversations like that to be very adept at it. There is only one solution to that problem I've ever found that works, but it takes guts. Even if you feel like it's butting in, if it's an open conversation, do it anyway. Learn to ignore awkward reactions. It's not easy, but that's how I learned. It was awkward at first, but over time, with many different people, I slowly learned to become better at conversing. Eventually I became good enough at it that discomfort in others is something I rarely see anymore.

In NT society, your supposed to stand there and smile, while looking earnestly at the speakers in turn. This is probably common to many species, like birds, monkeys, cattle, predators, all sorts really

Once a clue is given, usually a visual and/or verbal acknowledgement of your presence.... you are then allowed to contribute to the conversation

This is why I preach the aspie mantra of STFU.

STFU has so many useful applications for aspies
Quacks may go out of business if only aspies can learn to STFU

What's STFU? I can't keep up with all these abbreviations!

It means shut the f**k up.

It's all about context. I've noticed that if the group likes the person who tries to get in the conversation, he's "joining in". If they dislike the person, he's "butting in".