This is how I live

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, so I have always had some issues with communication, but not like this. I am ALWAYS around my family (I live at home). I don't know why but I am having a lot of trouble interacting with my parents and siblings. s**t I feel extremely uncomfortable just being in their presence. I am pretty sure I have aspergers or some kind of PDD.

Ever since a very close friend suggested that I may have aspergers, I've been EXTREMELY paranoid that people are going to realize that something is very wrong with me. It is literally all I think about. I could be watching tv with my family and if I have get up and walk away all I'll be thinking is: "oh no, that must have looked really awkward", "I bet they all noticed that I walk different then everybody else" or "I didn't leave at the right moment", "they're probably thinking I am a huge jerk for leaving". It's just a lot of constant irrational thoughts and they completely flood my thought process. I feel like I am constantly on stage preforming in front of a crowd with 5 judges watching and criticizing my every move.

If I have aspergers then so be it. I am fine with being quirky or weird in my ways. But for Christs sake why can't I just express that weirdness? Why can't I get my self to say all those socially inappropriate things that aspies are so famous for? I used to be very outgoing and fun. I was always the life of the party. I was just a fun, easy going guy, that was up for just about anything. Now I feel like someone erased my entire identity of the person I used to be. I don't know why I can't engage in conversation any more. It's really tearing me up.

I feel like the biggest ass-hole ever. I'm turning into the guy that everyone thinks "just hates the world". I know this lack of communication is taking its toll on my family. My mom is always trying to get me to do things with her and my sisters, but I can never get myself to do anything.

When my mom is sharing something with me (verbally) I could be looking right at her trying to follow her story but with in seconds I'll start thinking paranoid thoughts again. Things like: She doesn't really want to talk with me, she knows I am not capable of socializing this is just an act. OR "I know she's not talking in a natural way, shes bringing a "non-intelligent autism-friendly" topic to the table."

I should mention one of my sisters is diagnosed with aspergers. And she is 5 times better at socializing then me. Well at least with our immediate family she is. She doesn't go out with friends but when shes with family she seems comfortable and confident.

One more thing. Over the last couple years I have slowly avoided more and more friends. I created a small circle of good friends to do things with and relied on them for hanging out. It was just easier then trying to be around everyone at the same time. In the last 6 months, I have been so riddled with anxiety that even going over to my best friends just to sit and talk was becoming a burden. My anxiety is so high that I am deathly afraid to apply for jobs, use the phone, go to the gas station, or even leave the house. As I type this I can hardly concentrate because I am so dam paranoid about why everyone in the house might think I'm doing.

Please if you can relate to any little bit of all this please share. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. The fear and anxiety from worry about people analyzing everything I do is absolutely paralyzing. I don't even care how this affects relationships with my friends, I just want to be part of my family again. Mentally though I feel like they don't want anything to do with me. I don't feel part of anything anymore.

Thank You for reading

ok, I can relate to part of what you wrote. I am also living at home with my parents (and my younger brother) and have anxiety issues...
I prefer to stay in my room and avoid my parents as much as I can because they don't understand me and have no wish to try to understand me. So, I try and avoid them when I'm at home, and make sure that when I'm out of home I'm doing things I enjoy.
Anxiety is horrible - and negative thoughts that come with it don't help either. At one point I didn't leave the house except to walk to the local shops (all of 2mins away) for a whole year because I was so scared about having panic attacks. I used to be scared people would bully me like they did at school, but after some CBT to challenge my thoughts am not scared about that anymore. I still worry that when people meet me they'll discover I'm a fake.
Try taking things one small step at a time, and remember it's your life - what other people think about you or how you live it doesn't matter (easier written than done, I know). There's a technique called "Opposite action," which may help. An example of the technique is: When you think your friends don't want anything to do with you, email one of them and say hi; you've taken a first step just by posting because you posted even though you were worried about your familys reaction (was there any reaction?) If not, you have evidence against one of your thoughts.
CBT may help you if that's available where you are.
I don't know what else to write. Sorry you're feeling this way.

I think that, whatever else you're having problems with, you're probably dealing with some sort of social phobia. Whether you have autism or not, social phobia can do exactly what you're describing--you're constantly scared you're being judged; you're constantly worried people don't like you; you start to withdraw, are afraid to interact with others, use the phone, apply for a job. And yeah, your being afraid to leave the house is probably connected.

I wouldn't know whether you have any tendencies toward autism or not; but whether you do or not is kind of secondary at this point--you're obviously in a lot of distress due to this fear of socializing, fear of other people, fear or embarrassment; and I would recommend you talk to your family doctor, ask for a referral to a sensible psychologist, and start working on it. Mentioning that your sister has AS may be helpful--it could be related, either because you have autistic traits yourself, or because you're afraid of being socially clumsy as you've seen from her, or both.

What you're describing doesn't sound like fun at all. I wish you luck.

Are you able to distract yourself from the anxiety by occupying your mind with something that interests you? I have the problems you describe but I can stop it by being alone and reading about physics or writing or investigating something online. Most aspies have special interests and are usually very specific and narrow in their nature. So you may be an aspie if you are interested in something very particular.

Are you a teenager? When I was a teenager I did not like being in the presence of any of my family, mostly they were nasty to me and said I was weird. Later I made lots of friends but now I am back to being anti social.

I would advise you speak to a doctor, or see if you can distract yourself with something. And do not think that because you spend time alone this is a bad thing. Being alone is sometimes what people need.

about your social phobias.
i was in my early twenties and terrified of walking into mcdonalds and getting a hamburger! it didnt help that i saw a child walking in nonchalantly. i was afraid of learning self defense because i thought i wouldnt be able to learn and the instructor will get mad and everyone will stare/laugh. afraid to get a job for the same reasons...
guess what? i forced myself to apply for a job, go to mcdonalds and learned kickboxing (should have learned krav maga, my mistake) yeah, i was slow to learn (lousy motor skills, learning disability, inability to understand instructions and what do people mean when they say something, and inability to ask questions because of lousy self expression....) but i did learn and i was excellent at it and everyone commented on how good i was. i used my hyperactivity in kickboxing and my rage, and used hyperactivity on the job. use asperger to your advantage. and after you apply for jobs enough times you lose your fear. i'm telling you from experience. force yourself to do whatever it is you're afraid of over and over again, and you the fear will disappear. and then it becomes so easy you do it casually without thinking about it.