Unlearning life lessons that no longer serve you.

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I came up as an aspie in a dysfunctional, abusive environment where people didn't understand or accept my differences. This caused me to learn harmful, maladaptive views in relation to myself and the world. I'm trying to get rid of them but it's an everyday battle empowering myself and getting my self-esteem back.

Here are some things I'm trying to unlearn...

1. Do Not ask for what you need or want or you will be torn apart verbally.
2. Do not need or want anything
3. Your wishes do not matter. Only those of everyone else.
4. You are a crazy, cukoo, wacko who's thoughts shouldn't be trusted.
5. You are dumb.Period.
6. You do not belong here.
7. Do not expect love unless you jump through endless hoops to get it.
8. People hurt. A lot.
9. Be glad for any amount of attention at all.
10. When in doubt, expect the worse out of people.
11. If you get bullied, it’s because you deserved it.
12. Do not contradict other’s opinions.
13. Keep your own opinions to yourself.
14. Do not get angry much less express it.
15. Do. Not. Cry.
16. God only loves those who are the most obedient and will torture anyone else for eternity.
17. Be obedient to superiors (which is everyone but you)….or else.
18. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you.


What are some of yours?

My worth is determined by youth/(culturally defined) beauty/pleasingness to men cause I'm a girl/woman. My God the damage this idea has done to me from a really young age even when I made fun of it and thought it wasn't getting to me.

- Effort is rewarded
- Superficial details are unimportant
- Procrastination doesn't help
- People know how to do their job
- I need to work hard to succeed
- It is more important that I do my work on my own

No, this isn't sarcasm. These are all things I've been taught, but I'm beginning to realize that aren't true.

1. Do Not ask for what you need or want or you will be torn apart verbally. (I've recovered from this one)
2. Do not need or want anything (still having a little trouble with this one)
3. Your wishes do not matter. Only those of everyone else.(still having a little trouble with this one)
4. You are a crazy, cukoo, wacko who's thoughts shouldn't be trusted. (Really still having trouble with this one even though I know it's not true)
5. You are dumb.Period. (still having trouble)
6. You do not belong here. (still having trouble)
7. Do not expect love unless you jump through endless hoops to get it. (recovered)
8. People hurt. A lot. (still having trouble)
9. Be glad for any amount of attention at all. (still having trouble)
10. When in doubt, expect the worse out of people. (still having trouble)
11. If you get bullied, it’s because you deserved it. (still having a little trouble with this one)
12. Do not contradict other’s opinions.(recovered)
13. Keep your own opinions to yourself.(recovered)
14. Do not get angry much less express it.(recovered, but at the cost of developing violent tendencies towards house hold objects in an attempt to stand up for my beliefs)
15. Do. Not. Cry. (I was punched a week ago for crying I always want to but I know the outcome, and I'm scared I will eventually become violent instead of crying)
16. God only loves those who are the most obedient and will torture anyone else for eternity.(recovered)
17. Be obedient to superiors (which is everyone but you)….or else.(recovered)
18. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you. (still having trouble)

Now even though I've let go of some of these tendencies in a negative light I still hold onto some of these behaviors in a positive way like "Be glad for any amount of attention at all", I don't except attention from others usually, I like being that way, but when they show it to me I also show my appreciation. On the other hand in a negative light I do not expect attention from my abusive parents when I try to talk to them about my psychological and neurological disabilities. They have devastatingly disappointed me most of my life

*Don't confide, you will regret it. Expect scorn. How you feel doesn't and never will matter, so don't bother. If you feel like dying, just die. Never trust anyone.

*Always figure out how to learn/fix/do things on your own and never ask for help, because when a parental unit "helps" there will always be anger, scariness, irrationality, and a lack of actually solving the problem.

*You are a personal entertainment system to a parental unit, who has no friends and no hobbies. If you fail in your "duty," you will be scorned. It is your job to entertain.

*Learn how to walk on eggshells and be sort of a therapist because of a PU's touchy, explosive disposition due to a severely screwed up childhood.


-- Overall, I've had it better than a lot of people, though.

Never say "No" to anyone about anything. I was not allowed to say no to anything. For example, when I was a kid, my mom wanted to give me a pink bedroom and I said no, I like purple, can I have a purple room instead? She flew into rage and started screaming about what a difficult and defiant child I was and made the room pink.

Screwed up life lessons I learnt by being bullied at school and by family members:

Don't confide in anyone, because when you come to school the next day somehow everyone else will know about it too.
Keep your head down when you walk and if somebody calls your name, ignore them at all costs.
Be wary of compliments, they're usually being sarcastic.
Don't cry, crying is weak and shows that you can't handle life.
If you're being bullied, don't tell anybody. They either won't care or they'll join in.
Don't tell anybody about your sensory issues, they won't believe you and accuse you of being insane or a liar.
If you really have to cry, do it quietly where nobody can see you or you'll be yelled at.
Other people have it worse so I'm not allowed to ever be unhappy, even when kids at school are telling me to die.

I'm trying to unlearn this one: Most people don't truly accept you for you and the phrase, "be yourself" doesn't apply if your not normal. I hope to unlearn this one eventually

I really dont know what life lessons I've unlearned, heres one off the top of my head now, its a stupid life lesson I believed as a kid:

"You must behave and go along with what everyone else does, if you don't please people then you are bad."

I found as an aspie, its very hard to do that.

Here's some life lessons I learned
1) If you are thinking of killing yourself and you dont wanna end up in a psych ward, keep the urge to yourself and don't tell yourself or else you run a significant risk of ending up in the ward. And if anybody ever does a risk assessment on you, deny deny deny no matter what.
2) People don't get me so no sense in trying to explain, too much effort.
3) For dating: if you find someone boring when trying to date them, stop. I know seems obvious but sometimes this is harder then it seems.
4) The opposite sex tolerates me better. When trying to accomplish a task, if needed a partner select a guy.
5) I need to stop being emotionally reliant on people or else im simply gonna drive them crazy.
6) Follow your gut about friendships, relationships not just your attempted logic. Your gut can say A LOT, don't disregard it.
7) Psychs meant for NTs think I'm a brat, don't bother, If I cant at least find an general specialist in learning disorders, don't see anyone.

Well I hope to undo lessons 1 and 2.

-if you are manipulated, taken advantage of, or raped as a child, its your fault, because you're too intelligent to "fall for that". (I'm still working on this one.)
-if you confide in anyone, everyone will know, only they'll know a falsified and mixed up version that makes everone hate you.
-crying shows weakness
-it's easier to not talk than it is to have friends
-no one will ever understand the way you think (i'm lucky to be over this one, my partner can even finish my sentences XD)
-your friends all really like you, and they're all really your friend.

thats about it that I can add.

I would just like to respond to nirrti_rachelle as to her list of "life's lessons."

Hope you don't take this in a way I don't mean it.

When I read your subject line, "Unlearning life lessons that no longer serve you." then read the list, all I can think of is the fact that if anything on that list were taught to me, not one would ever have served me well to begin with.

It's okay though. I know what you really meant. It's like hindsight is 20/20, right? I was taught a lot of things, many of them not intentionally, that actually hurt me development. Your list sounds like it had a lot of negativity behind it, as does my own. I've tossed out so much of the crap that was dumped on me as a child in the form of "life lessons" so long ago, it's hard for me to remember very many of them.

How do you "unlearn" these things? Well, you're on the right track. The first step is recognizing the garbage. The next step is throwing the garbage out. But in the process, it's a good idea to REWRITE the unhelpful crap with lessons you believe are actually helpful and truthful.

Like this:

1. Do Not ask for what you need or want or you will be torn apart verbally.

If I don't ask for what I need or want, I will never get anything you need or want. ASK. If I get nothing, I will ask someone else.

2. Do not need or want anything

Impossible. Every human being needs and wants something. I am human.

3. Your wishes do not matter. Only those of everyone else.

BS. People that live only for others, and never take care of themselves, are eventually drained of all resources, and have nothing left to give. I MUST take are of my own basic physical and emotional needs FIRST.

4. You are a crazy, cukoo, wacko who's thoughts shouldn't be trusted.

Everyone is at least a little crazy, cuckoo and wacko. Welcome to the human race.

5. You are dumb.Period.

I am smart. Period.

6. You do not belong here.

I have every right to be here.

7. Do not expect love unless you jump through endless hoops to get it.

Love is work. I will work for the love I need.

8. People hurt. A lot.

The world is often cruel, but there are people in this world that are not. I will seek them out and avoid those who are cruel.

9. Be glad for any amount of attention at all.

I appreciate any amount of attention I get. If I need more, I will seek more, and I will do my best to give as much as I get.

10. When in doubt, expect the worse out of people.

Always expect the best from everyone. People have a way of delivering what's expected of them. If I expect the worst, I will get the worst. It I expect the best, I may get the worst, but at least there's a chance I will get the best.

11. If you get bullied, it’s because you deserved it.

I will stand up for myself. No one deserves to be bullied. Bullies are responsible for their own actions.

12. Do not contradict other’s opinions.

Sorry, no rewrite here. I guess there is one thing on your list that has served me well.

13. Keep your own opinions to yourself.

I have ever bit of right to my own opinions as anyone else. I will speak my mind, and demand as much respect for my opinions as is demanded of me for other's.

14. Do not get angry much less express it.

Anger is natural. Anger is good if it is justified. I will allow myself to be angry, as long as I can think through things, and take the time to determine whether my anger is truly justified.

15. Do. Not. Cry.

Cry. It's good for you.

16. God only loves those who are the most obedient and will torture anyone else for eternity.

I'm gonna just say toss this one out. I'm not even going to explain why. I don't want to become entangled in a religious discussion. This topic, I can guarantee you, if I were to speak what I really believe, would result in attacks from all fronts. If you really want to know how I would rewrite this one and why, you can PM me.

17. Be obedient to superiors (which is everyone but you)….or else.

Nobody is superior to me, but there are authority figures in our society.

18. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you.

This is a tough one TBH. Because it's kind of true. I would only add not to let this truth, or fear of it, to silence me.