"Being human"

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This might be difficult for me to explain or for you to understand but I'll give it a go anyway.
I've always refrained from telling people about my autism, the main reason for this is because everyone who I know is NT and I've always dreaded being questioned about what autism is and what it feels like.

The truth is that although I have been diagnosed with both AS and ADHD I've never really looked into it a great deal because I believe that although I have these conditions I'm still an individual (not just a list of symptoms) and even though I do struggle I feel as though I've found a way of "fitting in" (for want of a better expression).

However, joining WP has set me off thinking about what it is like to have autism in the world.

For me my life has been quite colourful, I spent a lot of time in care as a child, I don't know my natural parents, and I didn't have any schooling as a child. I've been through solvent abuse, drug abuse and alcoholism. As a teenager I completely dropped out of society and opted for sleeping rough, I fell in with the "wrong crowd", but I never really considered them to be my friends and found it easy to walk away from them. Unfortunately because I was so young and vulnerable I did become fodder for paedophiles and the like and by the time I was 18 I had accumulated a criminal record as long as both my arms (mainly minor offences).

At 19 I gave birth to my daughter and felt certain pressure to try and conform. Now If I thought my life was tough before this is where things really got hard. I just couldn't "fit in", I did get a job but there was conflict all the time between myself and co workers and I ended up getting the sack, this happened a few times until eventually I couldn't handle it any more. My daughter ended up having to be looked after by someone else, I was more or less back sleeping rough and I felt the only way out for me was to commit suicide, however my one and only attempt at this failed.

I was diagnosed with AS and ADHD after a succession of other mental health diagnoses. since then my life has changed dramatically. My daughter now lives with me and we have the best relationship ever, I have managed (not without difficulty) to hold down a job for nearly three years and I am also a full time student at university.

So what does it feel like for me? Well it's true, it is like being from another planet or being a guest at someone else's house but these days I feel like a welcome guest. I still don't really have any friends but I get along with my colleagues and fellow students and at the moment that's good enough for me. I've learnt not to expect too much and to take advantage of opportunities and I find that most people are good even though they still scar me a bit.

I've still a lot to learn about being human and all it entails but for the moment the hospitality from the natives (NT's) is good and encouraging.

To finish I would like to say that anyone who thinks AS is a walk in the park you're mistaken, it's not and I would've gladly welcomed a cure for this when I was younger, It would have made my life a lot better, maybe not perfect though.

Thank you for reading.

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Thanks

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I am glad you are doing well these days. You sound like an intelligent person and it made me see some of myself in your story. I did not have it as rough as you but I have always just tried to fit in and obviously failed. Finding out about AS helped me a lot and has made me feel that I could handle people now I know what it is about me that has been the issue with other people.

Hope you do well in your studies. I am writing a book now and enjoying it very much.

Thanks for your reply and all the best to you on writing your book.