"Being happy for someone"

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When my mother basicaly told me I should give up on being a vet, my all ready poor grades went down the drain and I lost all modivation for school for years. I can't remember when I finnaly woke up and realised my life was my own and I could be a f*****g astronaut if I wanted. My mom still kinda dosen't approve of my wanting to be a vet becuase I'm such an airhead and when I told her the lizard vet is an airhead (my mom thinks he really might be in the early stanges of Alzheimer's, I also see aspie traits in him) she went on about how the dude is a jerk. Basically my mother dosen't approve. It would explain why she's always putting off calling places for me to volenteer for (I can't talk on the phone without soundling like an idot). Still it's probably nice when your own mother supports your goal in life. She also says I am not detirmined. My mom pretends to be supportive when other people are around but when it's just me her and my dad, it's very obvious neither one are very supportive. My mom thinks I should be a musuem currator or something since I'm so good with facts. I want to be able to use these "facts".

Anyway, my mother never really compared me to stranger's kids, or the kids I went to school with. I remember a girl I went to kindergarden with and was basicaly a straight A goodie goodie was going to school to be a vet. My mom said she was "happy for" her. She just seemed so much more approving of that girl than she did her own daughter. Yeah, I was insanley jelous. Not because Miss Perfect stands a better chance at becoming a vet than me; but becuase of my mother's "being happy for". "Be happy for" your own kid, lady and be supportive. Anyway, what does it mean to "be happy" for another person?

Doesn't it mean that a person should be happy that another person suceeded at or achieved something?

IMO, that means to be GENUINELY happy that the other person is succeeding in whatever it is they are trying to accomplish, usually because you GENUINELY love/care about that person. It should go along with what real "love" means--caring more about someone else's needs/wants. Never mind whether you think they "can" do it or not--that should not matter.

I can't help wondering if your mom actually meant it when she said that about that other girl, or if she was trying to compensate because she couldn't (for whatever "reason") feel the same for her own daughter?

Yet another example of someone who doesn't know how to be a parent, IMO...there seems to be a lot of that going around....



Keep that in mind, always. People who don't support you/actively try to sabotage you are part of the problem and not worth thinking about. It's painful when it's your own parent who has that kind of attitude, but you can still rise above it and not let it affect you adversely.

If it helps: I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! People are usually capable of much more than they (or anyone else) realizes.

When you do succeed in what you want out of life, anyone who cares (and there are many on this forum, including me) will be "happy for you."

A situation when most people would be happy for someone:

Your friend loves to run. Every morning he gets up and runs five miles, just to practice. He's never finished a marathon, but this weekend, he's going to run his first one, and you go out to see him cross the finish line.

When you see him finish his first marathon, you will likely be happy for him--that is, pleased that someone you like has obtained something he wants very much to have. It has little to do with whether your other friend--whom you like equally much--is still working toward that bachelor's degree she wants. When you attend her graduation, you will likely be pleased by her success as well.

It's really tough when your own parents seem so unsupportive. I'm sorry that's happening. You sound a lot more determined than your mother thinks you are. Here's a suggestion for how to use that determination to bypass her lack of support: A lot of us at Wrong Planet are way better in writing than on the phone. You seem to be the same way. Why not write letters to the places where you want to volunteer? She can't stop you from doing that, can she? Go for your dreams!

Do you mind having places where you might volunteer know you're on the spectrum? You might want to think about whether that would help or hurt your chances. I don't know the answer to that, but maybe someone around here with more experience in dealing with that question can help you out. If you decide to tell, you might want to find a way to explain what that is and what it means for you in writing, so that you can think about it in advance and make sure you're saying exactly what you want, in the way you want. Among other things, it'll give you a chance to explain how seeing you in person might be different from reading your letter or e-mail. You can even point people to resources you think would be helpful to their understanding.

All I can tell you is that a lot of people respect effort and courage. If someone thinks you're putting in effort because they see how hard you're trying to overcome a hurdle to your dreams and you're brave because you take the risk of telling the truth about who you are, you might get some well deserved respect. But it is a risk, given how many ignorant people there are out there who seem determined to stay ignorant. I guess one consideration is whether you want to keep it a secret and work with people who would act that way if they knew or weed out that group by seeing who reacts positively towards you when they know, then volunteering your time with them.

it's harder to get into vet school than med school. you'll just about need straight A's. if you are willing and able to do that, i'll be happy for you. if not, i'll be happy for whatever else you decide to do, as it sounds like your mom is.

It sounds like your mother just wants you to take the path she thinks will be less of a struggle for you. However as well as your mother might know you, she doesn't know you as well as you know yourself, and she probably doesn't know what is really involved in being a vet or a museum curator. I think I would explain to your mother that even though she thinks you would be happy being a museum curator, you don't think you would, and you are going to take the path in life that you feel will bring you the most happiness, even though there are risks. If she can't understand that it doesn't really matter because you have to live for yourself sometimes. You're mother has her own life to do what she wants with.

I advise that you do start making your own phone calls. If you have to think them, through, write them out, and practice before hand, then do that. If I were calling to about a volunteer position, I imagine the conversation would go something like this.

Person: Freemont County SPCA.
Me: Hi, I'm calling about a volunteer position.

At this point the person will usually either...
a) Ask me what position I wanted to volunteer for.
b) Tell me what positions they need volunteers for.
c) Direct me to someone who will take path a or b.

Regardless, here are things you need to be sure to ask about the position if it's not told to you and you don't already know.

1. Where is the location you will be volunteering?
2. Is there some type of training session you must first attend, and if so, where is it and at what time.
3. What time will you be volunteering?
4. What will your duties be?
5. How long does each volunteer session last?
6. How do you start?

The call will generally end with an "Ok, thank you very much, have a nice day." And perhaps you might include a confirmation in there that you will be volunteering.



I'm going to wager that there is a 50% chance that your mother wasn't actually happy for her and was just saying that because that's just something NT's tend to do under the heading of what they perceive to be socially appropriate. If you actually became a vet, I'm sure your mother would be genuinely happy for you.

This means she would feel joy at your achievement because she knows how much you wanted to achieve it.

Oh, also don't forget that, even if you don't become a vet, for whatever reason, volunteering is still a really cool thing to do. Whatever you do for a living, it's not your whole life, anyway. Lots of people do something just to earn money to pay bills and have hobbies. So, be a vet if you can. Otherwise, volunteer and really enjoy it! Either way, it's a great life!

A lot of people care far too much about job prestige and not enough about the actual person holding the job. You are not your job. You are you!

Often I'm told to ''be happy for someone''. It means congratulate them, or be proud of them, or make them feel proud themselves, or support them. I know how to be happy for someone, but sometimes jealousy gets in the way, and when I'm jealous of somebody who's succeeded better than me (especially if they're YOUNGER than I am!), I just scowl and sulk. I don't mean it personally, I just get too jealous and start hating myself all over again.

My 18-year-old cousin passed his driving test the other week (after several fails), and because I've already been there and done that, I cuddled him and made him feel more prouder than how he already felt, and I brought him a congratulations card, and asked him what sort of car he was getting, and so on. I just felt really pleased for him.
But when I was about 17, my cousin (who was the same age) was getting engaged with a really good-looking young man, and I was almost sick with jealousy. I burst into tears, and I wasn't myself for days - until I knew I had to finally accept it and move on. I just could not feel happy for her because I just felt so jealous, because I wanted to be getting engaged with a good-looking man too, rather than being a virgin and spinster living with my parents for the rest of my life. But I was only 17 at the time, and my mum said that most people aren't getting engaged yet at 17, and that I had years ahead of me to do all those things yet. I now know that she is right, and even now I still have years ahead of me, so I try to be more happy for people who get engaged.

I have tried writing to various places via email but NEVER get a response. Even if I do write letters, (I have to ask my mum extactaly what I should say) and they accept me, how am I going to get there? Fly? This town has no public transportation services. I can't drive either. My parents wouldn't let me take driver's ed when I was sixteen becuase they didn't think I was ready...(they never let me try).

IMO, they shouldn't be getting engaged that young. I don't think anyone is really ready for that until they are at least 30--but that's just my opinion.

I'm happy for Buddy, my stuffed bat. He is inanimate, and therefore can't be happy for himself, however much I anthropomorphicize him.

I'm happy for Sid, because he's a toy and he needs someone to be happy for him. :O)

MagicMeerkat: I would add to others' advice...some of the posters are saying to do certain things for yourself. I think that's pretty good, but would be more complete if you were to also see about expanding your 'support team' to include at least one other person besides your parents. You've made a few comments about not being 'allowed' to do certain actions...that may be a cause for concern -- and it might not be. Either way, it may well be time to experience (first hand) someone else's worldview and/or someone else's version of 'advocacy'/emotional (and other) support.