loneliness, a cry out to the community

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A philosopher once said "Why do anything when our ultimate destination is death." I'm beginning to agree with this. It is so f***ing hard waking up everyday at this point. I'm in extreme pain over my present life circumstances (not to the point where I'm suicidal so don't worry). Every day throughout my life I've lived alone by myself. During grade school and high school I was placed in a special behavioral school that promoted coping skills since I had very weak ones (cause apparently I have aspergers?). Placement in an alternate education has adversely effected my social skills emotional regulation and probably what other potential I've had as well. College for me has been not only been the most miserable time but also a very lonely time. I have not made any friends. At times I go to the library just to randomly talk to people because I crave conversation and human contact which has definitely been withheld from me. University students are such stuck up pieces of sh** that they are offended when I try to initiate small talk. It has literally been high school transplanted all over again. Nothing has changed. Whether I get a degree or not that is more or less not helpful at all.... and i'm experiencing this now as a senior. Something fundamental in my quirky personality has no place in American Society. Its affecting my psyche, my ability to think and my ability to concentrate in class... I'm getting extremely agitated, my attention span is dropping and I'm sick of the routine. It is overwhelming, it's cruel and it hurts me because I'm a human being just like you.

Oh, and I gained about 20 lbs so it is getting harder and harder to fit in my clothes.Graduation is so close but I've lost the perfection, a mess without words... everything seems so meaningless. I just want to sleep all day and wait until the day death comes. This guilt, emotional baggage has made it such that I am turning into a true cynic and misanthrope. Are human beings this cruel? Or is it just college kids? I don't understand modern academia or our generation.

I honestly thought that something would change. It looks like my life is headed towards further despair and even more loneliness. I've tried really hard to pour my heart and soul on to other people. I've maybe met one or two older students who have acknowledged my existence. The rest of the community probably chuckles at me.

Life at times seems so insignificant and just at times not worthwhile; it's so freakin hard to find the good in anything looking through these smudged lenses; i literally cannot get out of myself and this perpetual state of aspi/depression and the bondage known as loneliness. it seems that the only thing i was ever good at was deliberately shunning everyone from me, and i have to ask why would i want this? It is because its the only thing I know how to do? If I hit rock bottom i suppose I cannot get any lower; it feels so good at times that you have reached a safety net that relieves you of responsibility. Why have all my relationships both interpersonal and intimate end abruptly, almost always? Sometimes I would randomly call someone or text, or facebook message to express my severe disdain for the world and insult them with the most profane of language? Why do I do this? Why? THere is no purpose? Yet, I do it because I continue to sabotage everyone that has ever almost liked me.


Has anyone experienced something similar?

hello, asenseofpurpose, welcome to our club
you are preaching to the choir here, you are not the only social reject. it has been my experience that most middle-class university students are full of themselves. if i were you i would not bother myself over the lack of their esteem. work on your own esteem of yourself first, and if the clueless snobs catch on, fine, and if they don't it is no real loss. i dropped out of college due to a lack of support, a lack of a feeling of belonging. i was a wage slave for a few decades until it got to the point where i just couldn't take it there, either- in short i don't belong anywhere, so i ended up becoming a hermit out in the woods. finally a place where i belong.

so keep talking at us.
cheers
bruce

p.s.-
i sure wish there was somebody like you when i was in school. but chances are, i was/am so socially clueless that i probably wouldn't have been able to notice you. my loss.

Sometimes it takes a dark day to find out how fragile and special it is for each and everyone one of us to be here. Or a lot of times a day to really express, vent and recharge (mental health day)... anyway, hopefully this helps, or is at least interesting to read, enjoy!

So many generations and different era's, radical up's and drastic down's, famine, war, genocide, and yet we remain.

It's so unique how the world has seen dinosaurs, floods, earth quakes, meteor's, neanderthals, your great uncle, your parents, and now you. The eagle, panda bear and great coral reef might become extinct, but we remain alive.

I was going to go on longer but instead, I love watching these video's when I'm a little down, hopefully they cheer you up as well!

http://blog.ted.com/2011/08/25/playlist ... -of-minds/


If you lost it today, you would want it tomorrow,
but if you had it today, would you wait for tomorrow? - I read that somewhere, can't remember where .

Yes, I have experienced this. I still do. I wish I could help. I just try to express myself as best I can to those who will listen, or put it out there to the universe. Sometimes finding the words is the most difficult thing. You are courageous for sharing, so keep on doing it, as auntblabby said.

Thank you so much for sharing, all of you.
It seems I live in the same boat as many others. I may be unlike most of the people I know, but I obviously don't know everyone on the planet.
My experience is so much like yours asenseofpurpose, only you are far braver than I. I didn't even make it through one year of college.
I too am an advocate of volunteer work. Personally, I prefer working with animal rescues. The animals give me "someone" to talk to who never judges. Finnegan, Billy, and Moose the thoroughbreds; as well as the greyhounds Champ, Closer, Bambi and Trent, have given me much comfort through the years.
(Please ignore the punctuation errors)

College was tough for me, too. The first month I couldn't even look up from the ground long enough to find my proper classroom.

My suggestion is to try an art class at school. Often there are all kinds of people expressing themselves all kinds of ways artistically. Once you are engrossed in a project, you are in the right brain and don't have to talk to other students. It lets you be around others for long periods without processing a world outside your own... so it's a little bit easier to ease into socializing.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.