My only and best friend died about two months ago. He was my age. First, it was a shock, after I read the email from his wife I was sitting there for a while, frozen, my mind was empty, there was complete stillness and emptiness inside me and around me... It was around 1PM. I was at work, sitting in my office, luckily nobody bothered me during that time. Then I started sobbing and I realized I should leave the office before someone walks in. So I went to another office that was empty at the time, I cried for like an hour, quietly. Then I felt a meltdown coming, I knew I needed to leave and go home a.s.a.p. I emailed my boss and few of my coworkers, got on my bike and went home. I was crying all the way. When I got home I bursted into even more tears and I felt like I need to scream. I lied down on my bed crying loudly until my face was red and swollen.
I was supposed to drive somewhere that evening to pickup a bike frame I bought on eBay. I didn't want to stand the guy up and thought maybe a long drive will help. I was crying all the way, I stopped by a state park, went into the forest and screamed for few minutes, then I sat down in silence listening to the forest. That helped. I was able to meet the guy and get back home. Then I took some extra antianxiety pills, I passed out and slept for over 20 hours. It was Wednesday, I stayed home the rest of the week and slept most of it. I was in a daze for the next few weeks. I would go into these moments of detachment, stillness and unresponsiveness several times a day. I still often cry when I think about him, lots of things like movies and music remind me of him. I feel the sense of unfairness that worthless people still breathe while he is gone. He left a 14yo son. He died in Poland and I was unable to go and attend the funeral, maybe even better this way. I didn't want to see him dead. When my grandmother died when I was 8yo, I saw her in the casket and I have vivid images of her dead, not alive. It bothered me my entire life. No one else close to me died during my life. I guess that's the advantage of not having close friends, eh? My dad wasn't close to me, I didn't care. My mom is 65 and in good health, I hope she lives at least another 20 years.