A Freightening Revelation

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Following my diagnosis at the end of August this year, things have been up and down. I was perscribed Escitalopram (5mg) which was then doubled following an anxiety attack. I was diagnosed with also having depression and middle insomnia. I was given an after care plan which my GP has been pursuing.

Yesterday, I attended an appointment at my local hospital's psychiatric unit. The consultant I saw told me that my medication was to be doubled again to 20mg daily and that due to the depression that I have suffered since age 15-16 (11-12 years worth), I would be unable to commence the aftercare for my diagnosis until I had been treated for that.

But what freightened me was the knowledge that I had been in a cycle of anxiety and depression for that long. It rattled me to my core. The more I thought on it, the more I realised that I didn't actually remember what it felt like not to be in that cycle. Always unhappy, guarded, miserable, manic, anxious and afraid. I realised that I was 'simulating' normal behaviour when I appeared 'normal' to others but deep down I was a wreck and still am.

I see now why there are so many on WP that are unhappy, but worse than being unhappy is not knowing that you are and carrying on via auto-pilot. Auto-pilot.. I think that sums up the last 11-12 years of my life. There have been the very occassional moments that I have felt a stirring of something like my old self: happiness. But those moments go as quickly as they come.

I'm rambling now, but I just needed to put my thoughts to words to try and make sense of it.

I've had anxiety for most of my life. Not thought chattering anxiety, everyone is out to get me because they hate me type but more of a fear of people. The earliest I can remember being without it was when I was about 5. I'm still recovering from selective mutism which is a severe form of anxiety where you talk less in certain environments.

I have a hormonal type of depression for 3-4 years now. I hate the way it makes me feel but it's temporary. I was so angry and miserable and kept having panic attacks and breakdowns the last time I had it.

It's not uncommon, especially for people with AS.

I've been depressed and anxious just about all my life. It is starting to take its toll. Bad luck.

I know how it is as well. For me though it isnt hormonal at all. Its all a situational depression. When I try getting out of the situation, stuff gets better only temporarily, then I get derailed even further. Then because of my own experiences of even trying to get out of the rut I wind up going into my extreme negativity mode and wind up going "Why even bother with f*****g trying when its not even gonna help for long anyways, its just gonna get worse again.

I think if you can begin to try to see your life as the only life you are living you will learn how to find a balance. Much of my anxiety and related issues are not as crippling as they once were when I found a way to interact with the world. It was consistently torture when I tried to live by the world's standards of what is 'normal'. I was given a 'normal' for me and once I got in touch with 'my normal' I felt a deeper relaxation than I knew existed. It is hard to find and accept it may not be what the world calls a great life but it is great to me.

I've had depression and anxiety for at least 15 years....I have no previous happy self to go back to. But if you do then you probably do have some chance of recovery if you keep getting therapy and such.

Also medications can be helpful, but also dangerous so be careful with that.....and if you start feeling worse while taking medication definitly tell whoever prescribed it and either try something else or have them help you with safely quitting the meds. Because when they don't work they can make things worse.

Trust me, I know how that is, especially when I was on risperdol and paxil back in the day. If I remember My dosages were being changed on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.

there is a mechanical level of basic functioning that keeps you going, without reflecting or feeling things deeply; & our fast-paced society encourages us (especially the more sensitive ones) to stay there.

it helps to take time off for a sensory indulgence, like going for a walk in a park. also, if you practice some kind of artform (whether or not you're talented at it) you can listen to your feelings that way & keep track.

having close friends is another, but that's not always an option.

PS as one who has "lost years" that way, i do believe it hasn't been wasted on me; rather, experiences go directly into the subconscious where they work just as if i had remembered them more retrievably.

I think you are lucky. You have an after care plan and recognition that the depression/anxiety needs to be treated to help with that.

Although it has been recognised that I have been in a depression/anxiety cycle for at least 20 years ... no one will treat me for it now I have an ASD diagnosis because they want me to work on strategies etc for dealing with the ASD first. Even before I was diagnosed with an ASD, there attempts at treating me did not work and they would not look "beyond the norm". Unfortunately, in spite of being referred the local autism centre that can help me with "developing strategies" or whatever, it has not received funding for me so cannot help me. Thus I am stuck without any help, support or treatment at all for depression/anxiety (and yes, recently I've been suicidal) and absolutely no "aftercare plan" for dealing with the ASD related difficulties that are the root cause the depression/anxiety in the first place. I've tried the free counselling service at my work for help, and although they are trying the way they work *really* doesn't work for me. And I have now been off work stick for coming up to 3 months ...

So ... yeah ... the revelation that you've been living this cycle your entire life is frightening. But heck, at least you have appropriate support in place.

Try living in an area where there is no support period. It sucks, at least you have SOME support, even though it may not be for the depression but for the ASD. Support in my area for ASDs = getting sent to a residential care home that has had horror stories involving overmedicating people into comas.

I have been stuck in anxiety/depression cycle for 10 years or more and most long-term antidepressant and other medications don't work me. I take Klonopin twice a day to keep my anxiety down. Only recently I found that I might have AS.

I should be grateful that the area I live has a support service for ASD , but that no support is being provided for me? Why? How is that better than living in an area where that support doesn't exist? End result is the same - there is no support. Frankly, right now with my anxiety & depression being at the level it is, I'd settle for being sent to a residential care home and overmedicated into a coma. Sounds peaceful and if I don't wake up ... oh well.