Need space to myself.

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I find that I feel like having even one other person in a house with me is sort of like being suffocated. The only times I'm really comfortable are when no one else is home and I have the house to myself.

I was reminded of an incident several years ago during which I was visiting my mother, stepfather, sister, her (now ex-) husband, three nieces, and my nephew. I think the oldest was my niece, who was 8 or 9 at the time. Anyway, I visited my mother for Christmas, was refused a ride to the bus station after Christmas (was told I should stay until after New Year's), and by the time New Year's had passed, I was in a constant state of extreme frustration and overload, and needed to GET OUT. So I ask for a ride to the Greyhound station, which is refused. My mother says she'll give me a ride home the next day. So the next day comes, and everyone piles into the car. That's nine people - counting me - in this vehicle for approximately two and a half hours. When we get to my grandmother's (where I was living at the time), I find out my sister and her husband are planning to stay for a month, which no one had told me. Cue meltdown. I think I went two months without seriously having time and space to myself, and the pressure was immense.

Of course, it's now been six and a half years since I've seriously had time and space to myself, and I don't even remember what it's like to have that space. Actually, more like nine and a half years, going back a couple more households. It's been so long since I've even had a week alone during which I only interacted with people when I needed to, and not when someone else imposed themselves into my space. The past few years especially have been consistently like those two months, during which I had no control over when I could come or go, and during which I had no say in who else could come or go.

The house that I'm living in at the moment is really crowded, and what's worse is that I don't even have my own bedroom as I'm currently sleeping in the living room. Living here is really cheap but the downside is having no personal space, which really sucks

The paradox that allot of us face is the fact that we struggle to make our own way in the world, and so getting to the stage where you have the wealth and the confidence to become independent (and thus have the option of living on your own) is a real struggle. So the temptation is to become reliant on our families and stay in a state of dependency. But this state of dependency often means that we have to dance to their tune and be social when they expect us to be social etc... So we find ourselves constantly having to do things that we aren't comfortable with and having no personal space.

So the only way out of situations like this is to become successful and independant which just isn't possible for many of us unfortunately

Oh, I tried the successful independence thing for a decade and a half.

I do like to have the house to myself, but I wouldn't like to live on my own completely because I would get too lonely and feel too vulnerable (I do suffer with anxiety and paranoia, and now I learnt on WP that youths pick on those who show ''vibes'', knowing that has turned me into a nervous wreck).

Living with just one other person would be fine for me. Maybe two at the most. Well, it depends on how close I am to them and how much we understand eachother. I don't wish to live with someone who is unorganised in routine, and always makes the atmosphere feel hectic and always leaving doors open, TVs and music rorting out, and other noises that distracts me too much.

But it is nice to have the house to myself. This week my brother has had the flu, so he has been home from work all week laying about in bed, which made me feel rather annoyed when it was my days home. Secretly, I like to talk loudly to myself when I'm home on my own, but I can't really do that when there are other people there who might be listening because they will think I'm mad. Sometimes I like to do it to practice with my social interaction for when I next need it when I'm out, or sometimes I just do it to reassure myself when I'm anxious about something.

I was lucky enough this summer to have employment that provided me with my very own domicile, although I wasn't technically alone as I shared it with Mr Bonkers, my cat.

It was amazing. First time in 15 years I had my own place. I have never been so content, so well slept, or so productive at work.

However, I never spent any time with anyone outside of work, and the nearest town was 18 miles away. A long bike ride for groceries and supplies, that I made every week.

So now, I'm living with people again, but it's a large house with my separate common areas. So I can choose to share space, or not, pending my mood.

Joe90 Wrote:

I've managed to balance my need for a completely private space with my need for socializing and a sense of protection by alternating between living on my own and living with relatives. I feel terribly fortunate to have relatives who will put up with this, and I take on household work and expenses when I'm living there. Still, I'm soon itching to be home where I can have my way completely...or could if it weren't for those blankety blank neighbors.

I get incredibly irritable and stifled if I have to go too long without my own space.

I guess I'm lucky in that I have my own personal space. Since I was 14 I had my own bedroom that I can go into at any time and shut and lock the door if I have a need to be alone. I just live with my mother and also my grandmother lived with us until she passed away last year.

That car thing would have bothered me so much. I've refused to get in crowded cabs before and if I'm in a vehicle I must sit by a window because I get carsick.

Definitely one who needs her own space here.

This last summer I was on holiday at a workshop with many many people and sharing dormitories. My need for space became so obvious to others that a private room was requested for me so that I would have somewhere to go decompress and breathe when I needed to. I didn't request this, other people did. I was so very thankful they did ... I would not have been able to cope otherwise.

I share my home with my husband and enjoy spending time with him, but I love it when I have the house to myself to do my own thing. For times when he is at home and I need space, I have my own "quiet room" at the back of the house away from everything.

Thanks all!

Joe90,

I love talking out loud to myself as it makes it easier for me to process information, work through cognitive "logjams", and so on. Being alone or on long walks lets me clear my head and get all kinds of nonsense out so I can focus on what I want and need to think about instead of every random association that comes up. When I'm alone in the house without other people, it is much easier to clear my mind as needed, and much harder to keep it clear with other people.

I also relate to thinking you're totally alone only to realize there's someone else present. I feel like my entire mind shuts down until they're gone.

I don't know whether I could survive living on my own, at least not without some degree of assistance. I would love nothing more than to have my own place where I could be free to do what I want and need as I want and need it, and not work according to others' schedules. I also know that left to my own devices, things tend to fall apart until they become untenable. I'm not sure how to fix that.

I do have my own bedroom, but other people in this house are frequently noisy and frequently demand my attention, so I don't really have the space to myself, even though no one else ever comes in here.

Joe 90 Wrote:

I enjoy my own space. I feel like I'm being spied on when there's somebody in my space unless it's my friends who are around. I don't feel that way with my friends, because I trust them. It's different when I'm at my parents place, because that's where I feel that I'm spied on.