Being Normal

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Before you knew that you had an ASD did you get a feeling that in some way you were different to other people?

Did you feel that were not normal in some way but did not know exactly why that was?

Did you spend time trying to be normal or appear normal? Did it become an obsession (or almost an obsession) or did not feeling normal not bother you?

On being diagnosed (or if self diagnosed on realising you may have an ASD) how did you cope with the realisation that you may never be normal or like other people? Were you scared? Relieved? or did you get a mixture of feelings flitting between the two?

I do not mean these questions to be offensive in any way, I am very curious.

I have always felt different and that is usually reinforced by the people I meet in various ways. I am usually referred to as:

A Sandwich short of a picnic
Not quite all there
Different
Weird
Odd
In a world of my own
and so on.

I am aware that I have had habits and behaviours or ways of being that are different for most of my life, but I thought over time I could make myself more 'normal' so that I fitted in. I have spent years on and off researching what could be causing my social problems and initially I diagnosed myself with social anxiety as, although it did not fit properly, it could at least explain part of my problems. It was the closest fit at the time. I then told my psychiatrist at the time that I had social anxiety and they went along with the diagnosis. So I thought I could beat the social anxiety beast and get better at socialising. The problem is that it has not worked and my drs keep treating me for symptoms of it that I don't have (although I do have some social anxiety symptoms that have developed over the years).

Then a while back a support worker who was completing my disability forms for me kept asking me if I had heard of Asperger's disorder. He seemed to think the symptoms I listed on the form fitted. So I looked into it as I had not heard of Aspergers or even looked at ASDs before.

At first maybe I thought I had found the answers because it does fit, not just the social problems, but other quirks, tendencies and habits I have. I think my original diagnosis of Social Anxiety may have been wrong or incomplete. However, now I am experiencing a sinking feeling in my stomach because if it does fit....can I ever be normal? In a way I am so tired of trying to be normal I don't want to be, but still...

I have looked at other disorders like schizophrenia or personality disorders but, whilst one or two symptoms may fit, not enough of them fit. Ie for schzoid personality disorder it says that people do not desire close relationships or like intimacy but I do desire bonds and enjoy some types of intimacy although not others...it depends. For example, I like sex with an intimate partner but I do not like people being touchy feely with me in general unless I initiate it...like when a stranger or acquaintance hugs me or puts their hand on my arm...this makes me uncomfortable.

I don't get hallucinations or delusions as far as I am aware (I do check what various data or evidence is telling me to make sure I have my information correct and then I double check again). I do have an interest in the Paranormal but more so the scientific study of it. I discuss theories about things like ESP and ghosts but I do not yet know if I 'believe' in such things without doubt as I have not seen enough evidence either way and much of the times these experiences can be explained by more mundane earthly explanations.

I can sometimes feel spaced out but I think that is either the medication I am taking (antidepressant as it makes me feel dopey and out of it) or stress sometimes.

I do have problems with functioning but mostly because chores and things will not get done because I am busy with my latest fascination or obsession to do other things and I lose track of time when doing them and forget about the other stuff that needs doing.

I do sit around the house in my pyjamas but that is because day wear clothing often irritates my skin (I have been like this since childhood as I had to have the tags cut out of my clothes for example) although people seem to think it is depression because they think I have not gotten dressed. But I have gotten dressed...in my comfy clothing.

I talk to myself because it is soothing and not because I am hearing voices or think I am talking to people who are not there. I am aware I am on my own and talking to myself and I do not hear voices. When people catch me doing it they think I am talking to things that are not there or will ask "who are you talking to". Who do they think I am talking to...I was alone in the room, I am the only one in there...

And so on.

I mean it could be a personality disorder or something but I cannot find one that 'fits' properly so I don't know.

Of course! I've spent years and years trying to imitate others. But I never seemed to fit in. What seemed natural to others (talking, going out and interacting) was very hard for me. My ex-roommates told me: "no matter how much you hang out with us, there's always us three... and you."

People also say I'm weird, too. Not in a bad way, but they know something odd's going on (they don't know I'm a diagnosed aspie, though). "Acacia's peculiar". They always say. "She's not like other girls".

I always felt very different, like I was more aware of things, and I never felt part of any group (even in kindergarten), even though I was invited I felt I didn't fit.

Yes I felt 'not normal' but had no idea what made me different...really tried to figure that out when I was a child.

I tried to be normal, I could appear normal, but I never FELT normal...I always knew I was 'acting'.
In high school I didn't care to be normal anymore, isolated myself, was depressed but also felt a bit 'superior' to the others (I wasn't so superficial and I thought it was actually liberating not to have to be like that) although I also felt intimidated...yes it's strange. Maybe the arrogance was some sort of defense, so I entitled myself to be myself. It kind of worked though, I was never bullied, people just thought I didn't want to associate with them, which wasn't entirely true, I just didn't know how to do that, and I gradually lost interest because I didn't want to be social and do things I didn't want to anyway just to be accepted because I knew they would accept me (which meant I had to go to much more of these social things I didn't like) but I wouldn't feel one of them anyway...

I'm not diagnosed and I already knew I was never going to be normal anyway...I have no aspirations of becoming someone I'm not.
although I can see the benefits of being 'mainstream' and I sometimes do resent that I cannot do that.

Yes, since the first time in childhood when I was with anyone but family. I heard "what's wrong with you?" so often that something had to be wrong with me. "You're weird" came up often too. I wouldn't say being normal whatever that is became an obsession but I did try to fit in enough to work and such. Early on I took a look at the popular group and decided that was the last thing I wanted to be. Yeah, the feeling of being born on the wrong planet came early.

Finding others like me was more of an obsession than being "normal". I always felt like I walked two worlds. Didn't like the one I knew about and didn't fit it anyway. I saw the illusion behind what they all believed was absolute reality. It came to a head when my daughter clearly wasn't going to fit in the "normal" world. Yes, finding out about ASD and realizing both of us likely have it is a relief. Instead of either of us having to be round pegs in square holes we can just be ourselves.

I'm not diagnosed but suspect I have pdd-nos. I have always, even as a very young child, looked at life like I was watching a play. It's better now, but sometimes I forget that I'm supposed to be a member of the cast too. I wonder about the motivation of the characters and marvel at their ability.
I have always been just myself, except sometimes I'm overly cautious about what I say.

When I was younger I never fit in with any of the social groups at school.

I really thought I was a normal person that was just a loofy nerd until I heard myself speak I camera and I didn't feel "normal" ever since that happened.

I first thought I had OCD, then I had a light meltdown (Cried, not the "Go crazy" meltdown) at school and the school pych said I might have it, I don't have the money to get a official diagnosis and but I'm 99.99 percent sure I have AS.

As for today, I feel no where near normal, I got the called the R word as recently as yesterday (Not to my face, under their breath thinking I didn't hear them), because I didn't know how to react to a social situation, it was pretty amusing as I told this person that I have AS and they call me ret*d.

Yes even as a child I felt like there was something different about me, but due to some negative experiances at school I became a bit paranoid and was always worried if I made it too obvious the teachers and whoever would try to 'normalize' me, and there were a few attempts to get me on adderall or ritalin but my dad would not go for it........my mom almost did though. But yeah I've went over the symptoms of ADD and ADHD and I don't have either so that would have certainly did more harm than good. In the past year I found out about Aspergers and they symptoms seem to describe a lot of whats gone on with me......and the therapist I was going to agreed that the symptoms fit me.

I actually never put much effort into trying to be normal, I mean I wanted to have friends so I tried a little......but eventually I decided I don't particularly want to be normal and people will just have to accept that.

I always knew that there was something different about me. Even as a very small child I was extremely aware that there was a kind of barrier between me and the rest of the world.

Im still pre-diagnosis (thats next month i hope). and I take weird as a compliment. I hate being a sheep n try8ing to fit in. Ive known since i was a child i was different n didnt fit in. but this aspie got teased for being pretty and good looking mostly, and then they'd make me melt down because of the teasing and id be called a psycho-maniac, axe-murder, maniac, sashquatch (i used to have really long hair), peanut.
I dont mind being called weird, to me its a compliment but being called everything else because im pretty, n i wea my clothes a sertain way or my hair, or what ever else, or my smile is goofy at times, I dont like.
I hate Neurotypicals who are ignorant of different people. people are different n always will be even NT's are different.

I've felt different in myriad ways, but never thought I wasn't "normal." I just couldn't figure out why so many things were so hard when other things were comparatively easy. I thought I was mostly "normal" and other people just knew how to function better.

People have commented on it in various ways over the years. My ex said I was as "independent as a hog on ice," although she lied to me about what that idiom meant. Someone else called me "spacky" and then lied about what that meant, although he was also a good friend and never particularly mean or cruel to me that I recall. I also remember having an argument with my ex in which she told me that I needed to grow up, and on another occasion she said in my hearing that I had failed at life. She was abusive, but I also think she was getting this stuff from somewhere. She'd also get angry at me when I'd zone out or not process what she was saying, as if I had deliberately tried to ignore her rather than my brain shutting off receptive language because that's what my brain does. I also remember she once picked a fight with me and pushed me and pushed me until I yelled at her, at which point she said "So you are human after all," and complained about my lack of displayed emotion.

I've had other hints over the years, but I mostly dismissed the idea that I was really all that different from other people, despite the fact that I was bullied a lot, and caught a lot of abuse which was vectored at my differences. I actually worried and later wondered if I might be autistic at various points over the years, but it never really stuck until nearly four years ago, and I didn't really accept it until last year.

On one occasion I caught myself saying the same thing over and over to someone and kind of panicked about it when she told me to stop. I did that a lot, but that was really the first time someone called me on it, and I immediately remembered Rainman.

On a later occasion, I met two children - one autistic and nonverbal and the other possibly autistic (AS) and quite verbal - she'd talk your ear off about this anime she loved and the associated toys. She loved to talk about them and arrange them but never really played with them the way most kids do, and reminded me a lot of me in so many ways. Anyway, because I spent a lot of time around them and occasionally watched them when their parents were busy elsewhere, I read up on autism and AS and was like, "Well, this could be me... I'd better try to stop doing anything that looks like this." Less than a year after I first met those two children, a friend of mine told me that her brother - someone I knew in high school, long before I'd met her, and who was actually a friend of mine I'd lost track of - was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and I asked her what that was like and she started describing stuff I do... So I tried to hide more stuff. I wasn't like "Well, I'm AS, better hide it!" it was more like "I think I do some things that look autistic, but I don't think I am, and I probably shouldn't do them."

(what was weird was that I knew this woman's last name, and it was the same as my former friend's last name, and I never ever made the connection until she mentioned her brother, and I was like... "I knew him").

Lots of people over the years have called me weird.

I was diagnosed at 8, which was 4 years into my school life, but before then I didn't feel that different to the other children (I was too little to realise that sort of thing anyway). I did feel like I was younger than the other kids.

Otherwise, I can't really remember how I felt when I was at school. After I got my diagnosis, I did try to be like the others, and it wasn't too much work because I didn't find imaginative play very hard with other children. I only have mild AS, so I didn't have to do too much work in order to fit in. I did feel like I was the shyest kid in the class, and I also felt unpopular and sometimes a bit lonely, and I did feel younger than the rest of the kids all through my school life, well, right up til I was about 15, then I gained more confidence and worked hard on my social skills, so I got better at fitting in.

Yes, I've always felt weird, and I get people telling me I'm weird all the damn time. But I never tried to emulate them, not really. Although I have noticed that when I hang around certain people, I start to pick up certain expressions they say and sometimes I'll talk a little more like them. I don't do this consciously though, it just sorta happens.

Ever since I was really young I always had the feeling I was in some way different to other people. I was only diagnosed with Aspergers a few months ago, and was relieved with the diagnosis because it explained many things.
At school I tried to appear normal and fit in, but when I did, I knew I wasn't being myself. So I gave up trying to be normal and tried to just be me.
I've been called wierd many times, because I don't fit in with social groups and like to teach myself things rather than caring about fashion and celebrities etc.
The friends I do have accept me as I am.