Feeling like a disgrace to family

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Does anyone here on the spectrum feel like a disgrace to their family..?
I feel like cause of my AS and mental symtpoms, using drugs and lack of motivation and communication hurts my family ties..
I live with my parents and don't show much communication or affection... but i feel like I'm catching up for the teenage years I never lived so i distance myself from them. They said, you made the choice to not do anything when you were a teenager. I was severely depressed mentally ill, didn't do s**t with my life. Now I have one but not having one put me in a serious ditch of being the target of exclusion and therefore obsession and becoming clingy and needy which caused huge social problems at school.
Then i went back to facebook after making some good friends found people who would never bother being my true friend stalking me from my 'friends' list claiming I have no real problems and making fun of me. It's cause the amount I monologue and self ramble on facbook made some people stalk me. It's like gang stalking, online and IRL, it's relentless and cruel. It all caused some kind of melodrama beacuse when I try to handle social situations that are unbearable I become dysfunctional and paranoid. Anyways, went off topic..
Super apathetic right now.. I don't know how to get out of the autistic and mentally ill ditch I dug myself. I don't know how to show love to my family. My extended family never contact me because of my ASD. I'm capable of showing love etc I know it cause I care alot for kids animals and people who give me the time of day. But when it comes to my family I'm just kind of absent.
I'm sure yall can relate.

Oh yeah! I know I have let my family down quite a bit. I started using drugs in middle school and was a full blow opiate addict by highschool. This last year I was in jail for almost a year because of breaking my probation rules. I just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Breaking rules is really exhilarating for me and it's really the only excitement I get out of life. On top of my bad behavior I have all my siblings that are angels and they excel at everything.

That hurts a lot seeing my parents so proud of all their accomplishments and then they got me. The oldest (23yr.) son that still lives at home and smokes weed all day. I had to go to treatment for my opiate use and have been clean since. I do not see anything wrong with smoking weed though and I do not plan on quitting any time soon. My mom has developed a new attitude towards my smoking and she says she doesn't mind but I still feel like she looks down on me for it. I don't know maybe I'm just being paranoid.

It feels really awkward for me to just watch tv with my family. I feel like my presence is highly unwanted. Do you ever feel like your family is thinking really nasty thoughts about you when you around them? I constantly they don't want me around and are always judging me. I'm sure this isn't true but it really bugs me.

This is going to sound horrible but sometimes I think that the only reason they are allowing me to live under their roof is because they feel bad for me. Mainly because I was recently sexually assaulted by someone I know while passed out. Your family issues sound very similar to mine. We should seriously chat sometime I would like to hear more about you. P.M. me if you'd like and we could maybe chat over facebook or something.

Oh boy does this sound like me! I'm more or less the black sheep of the family. Highly intelligent, can figure out all sorts of stuff if I put my mind to it, but just don't have that much drive or desire to do anything. Yes, the family is embarrassed that I'm in my mid 30s and just doing occasional concert gigs as a stagehand. Heck, I'm embarrassed about it myself. But I don't really do anything about it. Go figure.

Anyone know where I can find a bottle of "give a flip"? I've been out for quite a while now.

That’s expected to a special one. They intend to do some self pitying or blaming themselves whenever the family has a problem. That is the challenge to those who has a child with such syndrome; it’s how they can stop them from feeling weepy and menace in the family.