Learning to handle playful teasing / witty banter

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Hello everyone,

I have something that continues to perplex me: I am essentially unable to respond to mild playful teasing or banter. I am at a loss of words and can't think of anything to say, and if I do, it is usually long after the conversation has ended. Has anyone here ever found a way to improve this aspect of their social performance? My main concern is that NT people find this to be fun, and a way of bonding. Since I have such a hard time participating, I'm afraid that I may appear to be unable to take a joke...either "no-fun" or stuck-up.

Thanks!

Is it a power thing when they tease others? Are they trying to create a social pecking order? If so, and you don't mind being on the bottom of this order, then you can just laugh along and make "silly me" gestures (roll eyes, laugh at yourself deprecatingly). It's kind of an admittance that "you got me, I'm a ditz."

This bonding is kind of like a pack of wolves. Higher ranks pick on the lower ranks, but stick up for them when another pack comes by. At least that's my best guess.

It does seem to be a power thing to me, but maybe it's not in your case. I guess playful teasing can be affectionate, but I've rarely experienced this and I've never understood it. I've always found that the best friends are comfortable with themselves and don't need to tease others (even lightly) to feel good.

Whenever I've "jokingly" teased someone it's because they've made me uncomfortable and I wanted to keep them at arms length (but not come off as mean). This often has backfired and made them feel like I liked them. Then, if I do end up getting to know and like them, they get offended when I stop teasing.... gah!

I've learned to engage in banter with people by doing it all the time. As with all things in life, you get better with practice.

Same here.

I've learned how to engage in it, I've learned that some people really hate to be teased, and I've learned some people can dish it out but not take it. I have also learned that even if I know how to do it, I don't always realize it's being used on me. I have also learned that due to my permanently deadpan delivery, that other people don't always realize I'm using it on them.

If you can learn it, though, it's worth it. I think it helps cement human interactions in some way that I can't really define.

Meh, I suck at it in general. I don't feel comfortable with banter unless I know the person enough to know they have the same sense of humor and sensibilities as I do. If not it's gonna be awkward.

I generally don't respond to teasing anymore, unless it is someone I know really well. I used to tease back to people and I found out it was not a good thing for me to do. By doing that I was giving them the message that their teasing didn't bother me, but the truth was I was not comfortable with it. Inevitably I would get upset or irritated with it and people didn't understand why. It was giving people a false impression of my personality and they would eventually say things to me like..."wow you act like things don't bother you but you are really sensitive!" And I wondered why they were even saying that because I thought it was really clear they knew they were bothering me and they had every intent of doing so. I thought the whole point was that they knew I was sensitive and they were trying to torture me for it.

So now I realize banter is a form of "bonding" for a lot of people but I don't want to bond with people that way. I don't want people to expect a behavior from me that is unnatural for me, and I don't want to connect with people using behaviors I find annoying or offensive. I don't care if they think I'm not any fun because that's not fun for me.

The other day I was waiting in line somewhere, and another customer started teasing me about how I was having to wait so long. I didn't know this guy, had never met him and didn't expect to ever meet him again. I could barely make out what he was saying anyway with all the noise in the place. So I just did what I felt like doing, I looked away and ignored him. I was proud of myself for not wasting the energy trying to figure out what he was saying and then thinking hard to come up with a response.

Practice.

I'm great at banter, though I noticed recently that some people don't enjoy being teased. Which is weird, because when they do it it totally feels friendly and inviting. I understand bitchiness and can deal with that, that's different.

I consider banter to be BS. Who needs such crap and what should it be good for? Why would i want to engage in anything that stupid and meaningless?

If you don't want to, you shouldn't want to. I like the entertainment value as long as it isn't cruel and overbearing.

I also like knowing it's teasing, whereas when I was in my 20s, I didn't, and ended up feeling like people were taking cruel jabs at me when they weren't trying to do that at all.

I was an adult before I figured out that some teasing could be affectionate and playful and that sometimes people said things ironically, because they meant the exact opposite.

I also have a theory about teasing specifically regarding some male bonding behavior. I think some teasing is a test to see how well you can "take it".

I can banter with people I'm very comfortable with (not many of them), and for only short periods. I'm generally a very serious person. I just don't have it in me. I read the banter threads here on WP and I just don't get it. I guess because it's a group bonding thing and I'm not wired for that.

Unless someone has a very obvious smile on their face, or says something in a tone of voice I recognise as deliberately playful, I’ll usually take a thing literally and seriously. For example at work, if someone says “you’re never here”’ I’ll assume they are saying I’m ill too much or have taken too much holiday, when in fact they are just attempting a playful wind up. That being said there have been occasions when I have engaged in banter myself both on and offline and enjoyed it; but I’m always worried I’m carrying things too far or that I might unintentionally upset the other person. I’m not too bad at irony in fact I think it’s one of the things I do quite well. What I’m not good at though is sarcasm which I notice I can sometimes take offence at.

Yeah,I worry about whether people understand my intentions too. Maybe because I'm never too sure about other's intentions.

I gave up on teasing & banter long ago.
It just seems completely pointless to me.
Whenever I tease, I go too far and wind up offending someone. I guess I can't tell the difference between teasing and insulting.
It goes both ways, whenever somebody "playfully" teases me, I get insulted.
And banter, is an empty, meaningless form of communication.

Well if the teasing is in good fun.........as in the person doing it is not trying to hurt my feelings but just joke around, and I don't really know what to say I usually just laugh a bit. I really don't mind that sort of thing, I just don't like when people are actually trying to insult me or if I feel they are criticizing me too much.

I just give a friendly laugh if I don't know how else to respond when somebody jokes. It always works.