Refusal to budge, reconsider, compromise

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'm a Survivor of Asperger's Parenting-SOAP-with an undiagnosed mother and brother. The diagnosis, even if they don't have one, brings together so many confusing things for me. I could not understand how my mother could do certain things even though she did not seem cruel in other ways. Until now I have generated a lot of conflict by trying to explain to her my perspective thinking she would at least consider it if I explained it well enough. Surely a rationale person would understand even if it did not change what she did. I spent decades explaining --when you do this I feel that...and even if she eventually said Ok to end the discussion, the next time there was a similar situation she did the exact same thing without showing any signs we had ever discussed it.Once I had my own kids I was even more perplexed as I realized what it would mean if I treated my own children the way she treated me. If my ten year old child cried ever day before school because she was teased--and I dressed her in old fashioned long dresses-and she told me she was being teased because of how different she looked I would consider her viewpoint. If my child was miserable because I kept stacks of odd chairs piled up throughout the house, and she couldn't have people over, I would move them. If my child begged that I at least shower before going to the store to get the dirt and mud off my hair and clothes after gardening-because it was flaking all over and looked like she was caked in mud-I'd consider her opinion. If my child told me that she was miserable because of something I was doing, I would at least think about it and talk with her because my primary goal would be to do things that were in her best interest. Being chronically miserable is a terrible way to grow up and so I would make changes that included some combination of discussion, consideration of different views and compromise. Nothing that I do is more important to me then my own child. The refusal of this women to evaluate or consider reasoned arguments-her steadfast need to get what she wants no matter how hurt and sad those around her became, has not changed for 30 years and it not just aimed at me. Everyone who has to spend time with her has been harmed as have those friends of family members and relatives of family members who have fled. Sad that one generation can have such a destructive impact on relationships across generations. Her refusal to compromise or reconsider has nothing to do with financial constraints. Readers, Have any of you changed from needing to stick to your guns to being able to reconsider, compromise, consider different viewpoints? If so, what changed you or how did you change? No, I don't think this women will change and I'm not putting effort there anymore but wonder if there is potential for people with Aspergers to change that way.
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Yeah, I changed. I don't know why. I blame most of my positive changes on my meditation practice. I'm very flexible on most things these days. I recognize that rigidity can often cause suffering.

My mother sounds similar, though she has a combination of things going on mentally beyond AS (Bipolar)

I used to think that my way of dealing with other people was the result of how I learned it from her. Well yes, and no. Once I had my own children, it became more important to keep equanimity in the house rather than be right all of the time. It is a conscious choice.

With other adults, I still have my moments; especially when there is group discussion and decision-making involved. I continually have to just suck it up and either admit i'm being a jerk, or just not talk at all. I'm still hoping to develop a social finesse that just does not come easily.

Wonder if Aspies who choose to become parents have any insight into the impact their deficits have on their offspring. The chances of being a warm loving responsive sensitive parent capable of meeting the emotional needs of an infant are significantly diminished when the parent has a disorder that is defined by the absence of the sensitivity and responsivity (towards others) so essential to health development of the infant. Perhaps NT spouses can compensate for the lost emotional sensitivity to others but seems really unlikley.

If, as a child, you live a few blocks from Robert Merrill but never go to the opera and if you live a few blocks from the Doctorow's but never go to a Broadway play and you live a block from Robert Allen but there is no music in the house but you travel to England to see Henry the Upchuck. That gives you at least a working hypothesis. LOL

I think you are right. I should reconsider my desire to one day be a father. I have a capacity for love and understanding, but the possibility of having a child that spends his life whining and complaining about their perception of the inadequacies of others and how that has led to their inability to take responsibility for their own life is kind of undesirable.

I do wonder what the motivation would be for somebody to consistantly represent themselves as a weak person that can't resolve their mommy-issues? Surely the attention gained wouldn't make the effort worthwhile?

Meh, some people just have obsessions they cannot suppress nor choose in the first instance. How long do you attempt to hold a conversation with others about this topic in person before they desperately seek an escape route? Hmmm...obsession with unusual subject with lack of variety in interests...inability to empathize with others...wait, I just lost interest...

Excuse me. There is a good chance SOAP2 and the OP are one and the same, or at least OP has cut and pasted SOAP2's post. Aren't you tired of this yet?

I find the conflation of "having an aspie parent" with "survivor of abuse" rather interesting, especially given the recent influx of such discussions.

I also find it rather demeaning. Yes, one could have an abusive Aspie parent (anyone can be abusive), but generalizing that to "Aspie parenting" strikes me as overgeneralizing.

Why was this thread resurrected after the previous thread was locked?

It's Christmas break and some people have nothing better to do. Don't feed it and maybe it'll go away.

It's a valid question.

TheSunAlsoRises

I love it how the personalities are slightly different between the OP and SOAP2. SOAP2 is the emotional, generalising, repeating 'warm over a thousands times and that second post is just confusing. The OP is trying to control their emotions and barely mentions AS as the cause of their mother's deficits. He/she (I'm guessing she) changed the writing style to get a few people on her side and then comes back with the usual rhetoric.

SOAP2: You need to approach this differently; stop blaming Asperger's and telling people that are or could be parents that they will not be able to provide emotional support for their child. I tried to stick up for you before but you need to separate your mother's behaviour from Asperger's. There are so many personalty disorders I could pin her with. And like I said before it probably has to do with her own upbringing. My Grandma was a strict 1950's mother in the 1960's.

And to answer your question it takes some time to reconsider, but most times it feels like giving in to demands. Not always, I know I can be wrong, but when people try to shout my behaviour out of me that is causing me pain than them, usually.

My mum has her own issues and a short temper to boot, but I'm not blaming her. She most probably has undiagnosed ADHD but I know not all people with ADHD are like her. In fact I see a lot of my grandma and auntie in her. I love her dearly and will never stop. She did her best to raise four kids alone, especially me who went undiagnosed until I was 23 and I was this constant worry to her.

My ma insulted my daughter. When I told her my daughter was sad about what she said, ma argued with me about why my daughter should not feel that way.My ma was upset about something her own sister said at dinner on Saturday night. When she told her sister she was unhappy her sister felt really badly and said she was so sorry. Her sister talked with me what she should do to make my ma feel better. My aunt appoligized again after dinner. My ma told me again how my daughter should feel. I can't remember my ma ever reconsidering something said or done. So she is an expert about how others should feel.