Crippling Indecisiveness ??
29 Dec 2011, 2:11 am
I have a crippling level of indecisiveness that completely precludes me from almost any employment.
When I read about AS in diagnostic books, the main reason often given for (my) unemployability are reasons based around my "not getting along with coworkers." The fact that I can't be an "equal" with my coworkers is horribly true......... (At least my coworkers have never seen me as their equal.) It is sometimes said though that if I can "stick" somewhere, i can do the job if I get in to the routine and its something that plays to my strengths. I sort of agree............ My biggest issue is that I am too indecisive in pressure situations.
I also have a brain-type to where I can sustain effort in short bursts, but I can't stick to a regular routine of working day after day and functioning without "burnout." I fall apart more and more until I just can't physically turn up or tolerate having to be "on", and then my job there is over.
The biggest problem i have with actually working or doing anything though is that I am completely indecisive. The root of this starts with low self-esteem and hyper-paranoia that comes from my hyper-active social radar. I have ABYSMAL social skills, but my social perception and understanding is fantastic, and has been for years
In a textbook sense, I know everything there is to know about social hierarchies and social interaction. When i was a small boy, I knew who the "Alpha" kids were in the hierarchy, and where every kid "rated" in relation to his peers (I was at the squat bottom, if you want to know........ I was lower than dirt.) I knew intuitively who all of the most popular kids were, and how everybody "ranked." Despite having AS, I had a very aggressive perception of "the big social picture," but this was a negative for me. As an adolescent, I overanalyzed EVERYTHING, and every negative encounter and faux pas I had. I blew everything out of proportion and dwelled on everything, and I became very unconfident and inhibited as a result.
As I had increasing social failures that I would mentally agonize over, I began to doubt everything in my mind more and more to where there was a huge delay in my brain response. My ability to do anything spontaneously was gone as i would invariably mentally weigh the pros and cons on the shoulders of so many past failures. This became very troubling as I was FORCED to enter realms and gain employment in areas that REQUIRED split-second decision making, and had tremendous consequences if I did "the wrong thing."
The idea of making such a mistake like a "negligent discharge" in combat was so terrifying to me, as the consequences would be something like 20 years imprisonment in Leavenworth........ something far worse than social humiliation. The onus of such a consequence and realizing the possibility of something so terrible being likely for me was incapacitating and horrifying. I realized too that I could be incarcerated in a terrible military prison for life based solely on the same egregious social errors I had been naturally and helplessly committing my entire life. (I was tremendously "clumsy" and unconfident with the rifle, and I just had poor "skills" with it, but I never had an ND, thank god.)
Working in wood shop, in school, I was too timid with the machines to make good enough judgements. Later on in the Army, it was 10x as bad........ I was so "frozen" over the fear of making a mistake that I was almost catatonic in situations there. The worst part was that it was interpreted as "cowardice" or some willful obstruction that I was not "performing" in field exercises and at ranges. The fact was I was so scared of making some sort of mistake (as my whole life was egregious mistakes,) that i just could not do anything. I was completely bound.
It is the same when I try and talk, especially in small-talk, as my brain scans through 12 different possible responses in trying to think of something........... what happens is an awkward delay in the conversation, which totally ruins the whole vibe as I fumble for the pleasantry. It comes out all awkward, or too obscure or pedantic. I say things that are atypical of 20-somethings in today's America. So I get perceived as "strange."
When I was in the Army, I had the same indecisiveness combined with poor-fine-motor skills when it came to working on vehicles and weapons.......... Well, I will finish the story later.............. long story short, I have ZERO aptitude or interest at all for "mechanical things" and it all went very badly. They expected I could just learn these things like any NT, but I could not. It was awful.
