29 Dec 2011, 1:16 am
I am almost sort of a hypocrite to where I like "structure, routine, and order" ........... However, at the same time, I can also describe myself as being unfocused, disorganized, scatterbrained, etc. From reading other threads, it seems like others with AS have this same contradiction.
I've realized that I really do have very strict routines, but they aren't really "time-based." I think NTs who see an AS man and look for an obvious routine in them would only see the routine if it was clearly based on conventional time. Reading AS-diagnostic books, they all discuss routines, but seem to universally commonly cite things like "lines up toys at exactly 10 PM." I think NTs, who hold everything up to the common social standard of hourly time, would be incapable of understanding that someone had regular needs and obligations that weren't necessarily based on clock-time (they are slaves to the common clock and hard-times.)
Nothing I do is based specifically on time on the clock, so NTs who are totally conditioned to adhere to strict western-time-tables won't perceive it. i really don't even perceive the Western concept of time.... my life is just "sleep when I'm tired, I'm up when I'm up." The only time the clock comes in to play for me is when I have to engage in something set by a 3rd party (usually reluctantly on my part.) I hate having to try and sleep when I'm not tired if I know I will have to be awake and functional for a long time the next day. My personal routines are most screwed with when I get an obligation set for me at an immediate hard-time in the near future, and then I have to shake up everything to detour for it.
My biggest routine is my workout schedule, but my workouts do not proceed in the line of thought like (I have to be at the gym at 7 o'clock.) I work out hard, but its not at a set time every day.......... I work out when my body is feeling recovered and "zippy" enough, and then I go hard at my squats and deadlifts. This could be at any time, even at 3 AM.......... this is why my routine appears to NTs like my parents to be "no routine."
However, I get very distressed if I miss workouts, or I go too long between them and I 'lose strength.' This is EXTREMELY distressing if I go more than 4 or 5 days because of various other circumstances and I feel like I am losing my ability or my technique with the weights. I get so upset if I can't work out that I shut down and act out abnormally. I perceive that others and their petty whims are keeping me from my passion.
I also play the piano. and I have the same feeling to where I will practice, and then rest a bit until I get back my mental energy and "zip" in my hands.......... then I work on the piano again. I also get very distressed if I go too long without playing, as I feel like I lose my technique and memorization. It gets very disturbing to me and I begin to bounce around in my head when I feel I have to go at my special interest.
My needs to do these things are not based on chronological routine, so to an unaware observer, it looks like I have "no routine." This is bad for me, as I can be totally disturbed at whim by any authority in my life, and I can't commit to definite hard-times in the future for future obligations. The immediate future is always very distressing for me as I don't know when I'll be taken on and off my routine.
If I know something big and time-consuming is coming up in a few days, I feel like I have to "rush" my workout and squeeze it in before I am ready, as I think I will have no time after to exercise. Then, I get upset if I work out tired or unrested, and then I get pissed at myself when I don't improve like I wanted to or meet the standard I set for myself. From there, I get hyper-paranoid that i've lost strength or something.
Its all quite bad as I can't just "go with the flow" for anything. I struggle with transitions from one event to the other........... my inflexibility is so bad that sometimes I have to spend 2 or 3 hours on the computer doing jack-shit, just decompressing or mentally preparing for my new activity. Its hard because I waste so much time that way and I compound the problems of sticking to my "invisible" routines. (this is EXACTLY what I am doing now.)
Thanks for Reading. 
