A disturbing trend

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I'm not saying its wrong or anything, but a LOT of us on WP seem to be under the impression that we MUST pretend to be normal, or pretend to be what we think is normal, in order to be accepted. I have a very strong feeling that all of you imitators, however good you are at conning them, end up miserable and dejected as a result of lieing to yourself, if this isn't the case do you find yourself blowing up in anger all the time?

My whole life I've tried to be what I thought was normal, until I realised, there is no such base, most people just be themselves and ARE actually social, we have to be ourselves, whether its social or not.

I couldn't stand it if all the wonderful things we can give to this world are hidden by most of us trying to be what we think an NT is, what are most of them offering ultimately? Absolutely nothing!

BE YOURSELF!! !! If you don't know what that is, f**k YES!! ! YOU GET TO FIND OUT!!

I've said it before, I'll say it again, man I love being a turtle.

whoops..

I mean

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I LOVE BEING ME!! !

I understand learning social cues, I understand learning how to relate to people, these are important, but if we can't relate what we actually are, why do it in the first place?
You're just gonna get angry, and people are going to get hurt, trust me it'll hurt you, and everyone else a lot less if you're just honest.

I have a feeling those pretending, will find that most of the friends they hold dearly, will run the first time they flip or meltdown, because THAT IS NOT WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO, whereas if they knew in the beginning you were different, you were something else, they might understand sometimes you are overwhelmed and simply need to be alone.

I don't see one advantage I could gain from pretending to be what I think is normal, I've tried it too long, to me it feels like energy I could be using making something, doing something by myself, or even out having fun being me! I realise I'm weird in groups, but I happen to feel VERY comfortable in mass groups of people, get out to some places, go dancing, do something you love with people, I think you'll find its much more fun than acting.

Opinions?

Know what you mean.
I am the way I am. Accept it or don't. Either way, I'm not going to waste time trying to make people like me "... if you'd just change X".

I gave up trying to be anything resembling normal many years ago. However, I am somewhat social, in that I enjoy making people laugh. I have also learned that it makes people have nice feelings towards you when you remember their name and at least pretend to care about them. A simple, "Hello, (Name), how are you?" goes a long way towards making people think you are one of them. And if you don't care how they are, just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh," while drifiting off to somewhere else while they are talking. It makes you part of the group without compromising your personality.

>>I couldn't stand it if all the wonderful things we can give to this world are hidden by most of us trying to be what we think an NT is, what are most of them offering ultimately? Absolutely nothing!<<

We aren't pretending to be NT's, we're acting to what we think is normal and functional to an acceptable level in this social world. If that means forcing smalltalk and looking people in the eyes then so be it. Sometimes everybody has to do things they would rather not, but is better for them to do it.

>>I understand learning social cues, I understand learning how to relate to people, these are important<<

Not all of this are lucky enough to have these or be able to pick up on them so easily. You are fortunate, but be mindful.

>>..I don't see one advantage I could gain from pretending to be what I think is normal<<

Then perhaps the blindness you have isn't just mindblindness. To fit in, to be accepted, to gain friends, to gain respect. Sure it isn't fair, but what is? This is an NT world and they call the shots. We are a minority sad to say, and humans need social interaction for their own wellbeing. Read up in these forums as to how many people desperately want a friend but can't get one, or lose thyem too easily. Where has being 'real' gotten them there?

I have a feeling those pretending, will find that most of the friends they hold dearly, will run the first time they flip or meltdown, because THAT IS NOT WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO,

A) We are not normal, clearly. B) What kind of 'friends' would run away at such a thing? Not real friends at all.

>>I happen to feel VERY comfortable in mass groups of people, get out to some places, go dancing, do something you love with people, I think you'll find its much more fun than acting<<

Again, not all of us are this lucky. I for one can't stand 'mass groups of people' and feel quite uncomfortable. But I realise that sometimes I need to be in these groups (school, work, social) whether I want to be or not, so 'pretending' is my only option.

I agree with this.I just wish I could do it at my job.I cant be my "authentic self" there because that would involve telling my co-workers what a bunch a psycopathicaly lazy idiots they are.My "real self" wouldnt be caught within several yards of such incompetent mutants but I need a paycheck and I like my hours and being able to wear pajamas to work,so....I compromise part of myself for the comfort of part of myself.(If that makes sense)

Your point is well recieved. In fact, I'm thinking of making up a T-Shirt that has an image of a Routemaster, (the Bus in my Avatar) and showing off my biggest Obsession, without having to say a word about it. I think that we should each embrace our AS, by picking out something that makes us stand out in a positive way, and showing it off to Mainstream Society in a way that we each wish to do so.

Beautifully written..

I didn't mean to offend anyone or say "why can't you just be you" I was simply saying there is a difference between learning how to socialise, learning what people need to feel respected, and expending all your energy on attempting to be what we consider normal. For me I have no choice, if I try pretend, I lose control and hurt people, so I be who I am..

Did somebody mention turtles?!?

I'd comment on the value of being myself, but my dog is bored hearing about it.

For me it is a balancing act, I do try and 'pretend to be normal' in the NT world but am 'full Aspie' at home. If I was completely Aspie all the time I think I'd lose my few close friends, not necessarily because they wouldn't accept me, I think they would try to, but I would probably hurt them a lot, simply because they can't understand how it feels to be Aspie, how could they, because they never feel like that themselves. They don't have meltdowns, and times when they have to shut out people. NT's would see this as cold rejection, rather than something that is just part of being Aspie.

It's an interesting point when you say;

"there is a difference between learning how to socialise, learning what people need to feel respected, and expending all your energy on attempting to be what we consider normal".

That is the crux of it I think, trying to get the right balance, how much energy we can spare on this so as not to feel that the NT world has sucked us dry...that is what I'm trying to figure out at the moment and it's not easy!

This can get really confusing.

Two of my character traits are as follows:

1). I really value people who I consider to be nice. (Often these are sincere but unconventional people e.g. metallers, goths, new agers, railwaymen, narrowboaters, eccentrics, kind-hearted drunks). I want such friends to know that they are valued, and to make them laugh, and to be supportive when things aren't right.

2). I have trouble with my own self-confidence and with getting motivated to do even the most essential of things (go to work, cook, pay bills on time). Therefore, I need people to back me up sometimes, to an extent which wouldn't be considered 'normal' by NTs.

In theory these two traits balance each other out - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours - but in practice I find talking to people very difficult and I tend to come across as either wierd, aggressive or over-emotional. I'm probably viewed as a complete drama queen. This badly tips the scales in that I need people but the support I give them in exchange can be a poison chalice. From an NT's point of view I can see that I "wouldn't be worth the hassle".

So - what to do? Be myself and annoy a lot of people away (for example, I hate phoning anyone up, so many of my friendships die because I basically expect them to phone ME up to give me the support and motivation required to pick up the phone and - erm - phone them). Be awkward and stressful and p-ss off a lot of people that I care about? Or simply try to find a middle line between AS and NT and wobble along the knife edge as best I can?

^I'm hoping it's a blunt knife mate, or else your feet will be on the floor! Sorry, I love taking the piss on metaphors.

If it were blunt, balancing would be a lot easier, and the risks associated with slipping would be significantly reduced...

Hmmn this made me think quite a bit, and I think because I've been learning how to socialise intellectually all my life and telling myself thats how everyone does it, that its not too hard for me.

I know what you mean sometimes when I've revealed aspects of myself I'm sure are quite acceptable and fine, I know I'm seen as a whiny, needy, bitchy sort of person, when the truth is very much a different ball game.

I think the key is not NEEDING them to understand, simply getting along with NT's, simply respecting the way they are, so that they may respect the way we are and at the same time being true to the self.

To the person who said this helps them make friends: How on earth is someone a friend if all they know of you is a facade?